Life Throws You Curve Balls, You Learn to hit them out of the Park!


Life, Heartbreak, Torment, and Suicide prevention and awareness

Okay so it has been quite a while since I last posted an actual post minus the recipes. Well, something happened Christmas Eve that has changed my life forever. And now I am NOT being overly dramatic about this. I am quite serious. In fact, if you are going to act that way then leave. LOL (sorry had to add humor as what you are about to read is a little depressing, sad, etc.)

So, we, Adam and I, had moved into a new apartment on November 1st, 2012. Well we were all fine and dandy and living the life thinking things were going to be okay, but come to find out they weren’t. Adam started getting bug bites. I wasn’t. This triggered some of his mental issues he had in the past. Come to find out that the bites were from bed bugs. Who would have thought our DREAM apartment complex turned into a nightmare in a matter of days? Well, the first was on a Thursday, we by the following Tuesday evening temporarily moved into a hotel. (This started our hotel hopping for about two weeks). This stopped the bites. Now the time to wait for the apartment people to FINALLY do their job. Our DREAM apartment complex, turned nightmare in a matter of days, about two months later it became more of a nightmare than I would have imagined (keep reading to find out what).

So we had gathered up the essentials and our guinea pigs in their temporary cages. (We had gotten a new one since one of our other ones had passed away a week before the move.) They still weren’t getting along so we had two separate temporary cages. Fun, right? OH YEA. LOADS. lol

So we spent a week and a half in a hotel, then on November 12th, 2012 I had to have my thyroid removal (see other post for more on this). My Great friend/sister took the piggies for a few days for us. I stayed in the hospital over night and the next day went to our home away from home. FUN. At least the hotel staff were nice. So on Wednesday I had dropped off a blanket for a cat at the humane society. On Thursday Adam had his WORST bout of mental issues he had since we moved to Colorado Springs. He ended up checking himself into the hospital hoping they would help him with his medication. They didn’t. in fact they were taking him off EVERYTHING without trying to prevent seizures (a side effect if taken off a medication without trying to prevent them or not stopping gradually). So as you can see things are already bad. I was JUST released from the hospital two days prior. In pain, and not having the person who helped relieve it by just being there for me. I knew he had to take care of himself before he could take care of anyone else. So on Thursday I talked to him and on Friday I had no idea what hospital he was in because he never had the chance to call me back and when I called the hospital that I THOUGHT (I knew in my mind he was there) he was at they said IF he is here we will give him your message. They NEVER EVER gave him my messages!!!! HOW RUDE!!! So on Sunday they let him check out against doctor’s orders.

We did a few errands to get stuff situated before going home. We could now go back to the apartment because a treatment had been done on Friday and it was now Sunday. So we went and picked up the piggies and went back to the apartment to find a HUGE mess from the treatment company. We had to call the police thinking that the shotgun was stolen. At this point in time I WISH it had been stolen. It would have caused me less heartache in the end. But no changing things now and no what if is going to change anything. So we called the third party people about the issues and had to have a neighbor help pick up the heavy boxes as I still couldn’t lift things. (I was only a week out from surgery.) So fun fun. As I was sitting on the phone waiting to talk to people I saw ANOTHER bed bug. The treatment DIDN’T WORK!!!! At this point we were out of money and couldn’t go back to hotels. We were stuck. so we lived with it. Two weeks later they did another treatment. We stayed with a friend for the day. The treatment, again, DIDN’T WORK. Bed bugs were still there full force. At this point I just wanted to burn the place down. It would solve everyone’s problem. At this point we are now into December. I was healing, but not fast enough. Adam was at his worst that he had EVER been. We were FINALLY able to get him in to see people, but things just weren’t working. Why was this happening to us??? We did good when we could, we helped others when we could. We even helped when we were struggling ourselves. Again, the what if’s now will not change a thing.

So, I am already back on my normal schedule of working at the college and going to classes. FINALLY, classes end. Still no news on what the next step is with the treatment company. Which is sort of annoying. We didn’t have the money to move out, even if they did refund our deposit. We just didn’t know what we were going to do. So the week before Christmas I worked more than I usually did because my schedule had changed. Allowing me to work more hours, and the fact that being it was “winter break” I could work 40 hours instead of the normal 20 during the semester. I was working hard knowing that we needed the money. We had a rough weekend. We stayed at my friends so I can do as much laundry as I possibly could so it was done and over with. We stayed there that night because Adam couldn’t stand our apartment. Not only was it invaded by pests, but two people and two guinea pigs were living in a small 300 square foot apartment. Yea, not that great of a time. Due to the bed bugs we couldn’t move into our “permanent” apartment because they had to finish renovating it. They didn’t want to finish because they wanted to get rid of the bugs first. (New carpet and bed bugs do not mix). So that weekend he spent a lot of time at our friends house because he felt safer. That was okay with me because some things had lapsed since not really being there then being there and being unable to do much do to surgery, and the mess the treatment company made, etc. So I tried to get things done, but I was worried about Adam.

On Christmas Eve some instances are blurred others are what others tell me, and some still have blanks. So bear with me please. That morning Adam woke me up yelling in one of this “fits” again. His new meds weren’t quite working. They do take time to kick in and he only JUST started taking them the week before. He finally found enough cash to go get cigarettes and he finally calmed down enough to lay down and rest.

A couple hours later he started freaking out again. He got another bug bite. And he had a SEVERE reaction to the bugs. He had HUGE welts from them. So he had gone into the bathroom to smoke out the window. He started saying many things. I don’t remember much of what he was saying. I was sitting five feet from the bathroom door (remember 300 sq foot apartment) and the door was open. I had JUST made some lunch. I was hungry. I remember him asking if there was more and I said yea, its in the pan and that I didn’t dish him up any because I wasn’t sure if he wanted any. (He hadn’t been eating much and I wasn’t going to force him. Why should I force someone to eat if they aren’t hungry?) He then started flipping out again and asking if he was sterile and unable to have children. (I’ll explain more later). Then said he was going to kill himself. I don’t remember him grabbing the gun. Normally it is NOT loaded. Now remember the size of the apartment, where I am sitting and where the door is located to the bathroom. He was sitting on the toilet and the next thing I know I heard a LOUD bang and saw his head whip back and the bullet enter his head. I ran from the room screaming. I had the phone in my hand. I didn’t know what else to do other than go get neighbors to help me figure out what to do. I was already on the phone with 911.  They had put me on hold. Yes, ON HOLD. Granted it was like 30 seconds, but that 30 seconds was the longest time of my life. I was sitting in the hallway and one of the neighbors, THANK GOODNESS, (I still need to send her and my other neighbors a thank you note) was home. She sat in the hallway with me while I was on the phone with 911. I don’t remember the call. I remember vaguely walking out to the porch to wait and the cops showing up first. Three cop cars I believe, there could have been more. I don’t remember. Then the fire truck (first responders), then the ambulance  The police went in first to secure the “scene”. One had come out to the first responders and said that he thinks he (Adam) is still breathing. I thought thank god that means they can save him right?? I was wrong. The ambulance people went in and the first responders came out saying that they were hooking him up to machines. 5 LONG minutes later I saw the fire chief come out and look at one of the police officers shake his head. I knew then. My heart dropped out of my chest. It couldn’t be. NO, it can’t be. Then the ambulance people started walking out the front door of the apartment building with all their things. If I was standing I know I would have fallen to the ground crying, begging for them to try some more. To save him. To breath life into his lovely face again. To hold him to be able to kiss him again. To tell him I love him ONE more time.

From this point forward I don’t remember much. I remember bits and pieces, the rest has been pieced together by friends who had showed up to help me.

I remember walking to the chaplain’s car (the one that works with the police department) I remember it took a lot to get me there because I refused to leave the porch. I guess I was shivering really bad from the cold, but refused to put socks or shoes on. I just wanted to cry, yell, scream, and beg. I wanted to go back in time. In my mind I pleaded with god to please let me redo the day. Let me insist earlier that he get help before it actually got this bad. Again, what if’s do not help.

I remember vaguely being moved to a friend’s car and my other friend showing up. (My saviors that day.) This is where things got fuzzy. I remember people talking and they were whispering out of ear shot. I just wanted to yell. I wanted to scream at them to talk to ME. I just wanted to scream at them at everyone. I was screaming, but on the inside, no one could hear me. I wanted to die. For all I know I was dying on the inside. I felt dead. I wished I was. This worried my friends to no end. They didn’t know I had one motivating factor keeping me from killing myself. My family, my mom, my little brother, my siblings, my grandma, everyone. I couldn’t do it to them. As much as I want to be with Adam again. I can’t do it to them. As much as my heart aches I can’t. I’d rather live with this unbearable pain then to make someone else go through what I am going through.

This is where I don’t remember, but someone filled in. I supposedly became unresponsive to the point I wasn’t even looking at anyone. I was told that it came to the point of barely breathing and that someone had to actually hold my head up. My friend was afraid I was in shock. (Wouldn’t you be too if you just saw what you saw and just lost the love of your life?) I think I heard her say later she was mad that the ambulance people didn’t check me out before they left the first time (yes they had to come back). At this point she told me that she had to tell them to get an ambulance. When the ambulance got there, I briefly remember having climbed on the stretcher and put in the ambulance. I remember shaking violently. I don’t know if it was the cold, shock or a combination. (I was still in my night gown). They then took vitals. By this time I started to come back to. At least somewhat. I remember the police having to do something with my hands to test for gun residue. I wanted to kick and scream at them. Asking them if they were nuts to think I would do something like that to him??? I started to pull into myself again. I briefly remember the ambulance person asking if I wanted to go to the hospital. I told him no, but my friends insisted. My heart rate was really high. Now many who know me, know, I HATE taking medication and refuse to take it if I don’t have to, this includes having to go to a hospital. Bad things happen at hospitals.

I sort of remember the ambulance ride. I remember thinking I could so easily kill myself in here. It wouldn’t be that hard. The medicine cabinet was right next to me. it was unlocked. I remember debating it, I even almost opened it. That’s when I thought, why?? I would hurt my family and I couldn’t do that to them. By the time I almost got the courage to just do it and get it over with, we were at the hospital. My opportunity was gone. I remember being wheeled in and they gave me a room. I was now at the hospital, all by myself. I wanted to yell and scream. I wanted to punch the wall. I wanted to die. I was already dead on the inside. I went to the nurse I had to use the restroom. By the time I came back to my room a couple “friends” (I use the term loosely) were there. The doctor came in to see me and he wanted to give me medication. He wanted to give me ativan. I refused. I said he (Adam) took ativan. I don’t want it. The nurse came in and said it isn’t ativan its lorazepam. UMMM HELLLOO, I AM A PHARMACY TECHNICIAN, I KNOW WHAT LORAZEPAM IS, ITS THE GENERIC TO ATIVAN!!!!!! I am NOT dumb. I refused it. I was there for a few hours and at this point I just wanted to leave. I wanted out of that place. My one “friend” had to check herself into the er due to something. Her fiance stayed with me. When the nurse came in, she checked my vitals again. My heart rate was still through the roof. She was worried, but being I was up and moving around and responding and seeming okay she started the discharge process. My friend’s fiance FINALLY spoke up when she gave me a prescription for ativan. He spoke out for me, having heard me say SEVERAL times that I didn’t want that medication. I didn’t want anything, but if they had to give me something, I didn’t want THAT. So they gave me a prescription for valium. It became my savior for a bit when I couldn’t seem to sleep or when the anxiety seemed to be at its worst. Again, everyone KNOWS how I HATE taking medication. If I can go without I will. I will “suffer” through the pain. I hate how medications make me feel. Don’t want that. So I had to go wait for my one friend to come get me (one that showed up at the apartment and insisted I go to the hospital) I was going to stay with her temporarily till we figured things out. She showed up and told me that it took so long to get there because of the fact that they had to FIGHT with the police to get the guinea pigs. The police were gonna ship them off to the humane society to be euthanized. My two friends (Allisa and Robin) are my saviors at this point. They both showed up at the apartment and they BOTH fought to get the guinea pigs. After about three hours they were able to get them. Robin got them all set up at her place. Thank you both!!! You are much appreciated.

The rest of the day isn’t that important being not much happened other than a lot of crying, a lot of refusing medication, finally just giving in. I was tired of closing my eyes and seeing it all over again. I am pretty sure I suffer from PTSD, but I tell someone that and I am told that I am crazy. So who knows.

That week became a blur. I remember cleaning out the apartment and again Allisa and Robin REFUSING me in to begin with. They didn’t know the state of the apartment yet. I did go in later that evening with the bathroom door closed. (It had not been cleaned up). I felt him there. So did everyone else.

There was a lot that happened that week when I moved back to Minnesota. I did find out that my heart is and always will be in Colorado Springs. I am moving back when things become right again. When I am emotionally and financially ready. It became home in the two years I lived there. I don’t know when. Maybe it was when the fire happened. Maybe it was when I found such great friends. Maybe it was when I started college who knows. But I WILL be moving back. It is not oh I might be, I AM.

Now to the part about Adam again. Adam had something called Schitzoaffective disorder and bipolar and depression. We were thinking there was more to it than that, but at the time we were just trying to get the symptoms under control before moving too much more forward. He was hearing voices and he was paranoid. That is all a part of the Schizoaffective disorder. When we moved into the apartment the bed bugs triggered it. It was a BAD trigger. He then ended up with a UTI, causing another trigger. And from after having October happen (the month from hell), he started slipping again. When we moved to the springs things were better. He still had issues, but not as bad as before, in fact he was getting better, but with all the stress added, it made the anxiety worse, which made all the other stuff trigger and happen. Now you add depression and anxiety together you get someone who is a possible suicidal case. Now you add new meds that have a POSSIBLE side effect of being suicidal and you have an explosive mix. We were doing everything we could to get things under control, but they came too late. I feel as if it is partially my fault, but what was I to know that he would fall backwards that far again? Things were going pretty well. For the both of us. We had a rough time in October, but we were pulling through things together. Many don’t understand how bad Adam was. He was pretty bad. In fact he was so bad he was afraid of hurting me due to the voices. He was afraid of doing things because of them. They were strong, and it turns out, a LOT stronger than him. He also suffered from chronic pain. I saw the scans of his back, so don’t say he is a pill addict. His back was MESSED UP. You add the pain to all his other things and that lead to him wanting to end the pain.

I am not mad at him. I know why he did it. Remember, I thought about doing it myself in the ambulance??? Remember I was thinking I can end this pain right here and now?? Why would I be mad at him? He was doing what he thought best for himself and me. Now it wasn’t the best thing, but he wasn’t in his right mind.

Before you question, make sure you understand FULLY what was going on. This will be my LAST description of what happened. I will NOT talk about it again, until I am ready. I want everyone to understand this. If you still have questions either you will have to eat them or you will have to wait till I am ready. I am DONE explaining. It is NOT helping. I lose sleep a lot because of the flash backs and because I am SOO used to sleeping next to him. We were together for 5 and a half years. Lived together for 5 of those years. Slept next to each other almost every night for those five years. I’m still experiencing issues from this experience. I may SEEM happy and ooh lala or what not, but I am not. I just learned to hide these things early on. I learned to hold it in till I got to my bed at night. So many may not EVER see them, unless you are those special few people in my life. And some i don’t show it for fear of burdening them of things on top of what they already have to deal with.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you are suicidal get help. There is a help line for you. Also there are other resources and people to talk to. Don’t be afraid to tell them. They are there for you!! If you know someone who is suicidal PLEASE don’t ignore it. Life is precious. I hate to see anyone else have to go through what I have had to go through. I want everyone to pay attention. Suicide is NOT a silent killer. Most people reach out before hand in some shape or form. In Adam’s case it was just a little too late. Don’t let it be too late for someone you love/care about.

And with this post I say goodbye to the year from hell and hello to a new year. I hope it is better than the last. It has to be right?

The Game of Life

Have you ever sat and thought about life? All the choices you have to make? High school electives? College courses? High school/College job? Career? Family Life? Kids? Cars? A home? It goes on and on and on?

Now think about it. Look at the game of Life game board. See how it winds and turns and twists every which way? As a kid we never really realized how true that game is to real life. We never knew how close to life that would be. Like when you landed on that one darn space that made you pay in because some darn unexpected thing happened. Like a car repair or house repair. Yea. Nothing like a surprise repair to undo all of your hard work on your mental self esteem.

Life has been chaotic. Life is crazy. I finally have excellent insurance to find out what is truly going on inside my body. Come to find out. I probably really didn’t want to know. They found another nodule. This time on the bed of where my right thyroid used to be. They were unable to find any conclusive evidence on it. It was unable to get a good biopsy of it. So for now we are just monitoring.

My blood sugar isn’t pretty. I am prediabetic. So we are taking precautions. GO ME! My chiropractor thinks My sciatic nerve is inflamed hence my increased pain in the right side. Oh and the diagnosis list that is a foot long that my endocrinologist has added to my chart. BOY OH BOY! I now will have to go through an entire day of testing to confirm all of my mental health diagnosis to make sure what is going on so we can go about it all correctly. My primary care doctor tried putting me on Zoloft. We were doing good, until we increased my dose and my anxiety/irritability increased to the point of everyone else noticing. SOOO, my new psychiatrist decreased it for now until I see her again and I go through testing and try something else to see what we can do. I have a feeling there is no medication i can be on that will be a good fit due to a few things. 1. Cause of weight gain, 2. cause of irritability and weight gain 3. counter indications with other medications that I now have to take in order to keep myself from dying.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so tempted to say stop with all the meds/testing and everything, but it gets to the point of, I kind of need those. If I don’t take those it may cause some serious issues. Especially being the one medication has already helped me to lose 10 pounds. Maybe it’s just the pain and the nervous/anxiety/money problems talking who knows. I’m just tired of struggling all the time. Yet all the anxiety and everything makes me want to go on a shopping spree. I can’t win. No matter what I do. I don’t know how to cope anymore. I guess I need to get myself reorganized again and situated in my routine that keeps getting unsettled from moving, changing schedules, promotions, etc. I need to get myself back on track. I just don’t know how. Maybe this is something to talk to my Psychiatrist about.

Any who, yes, as you read. You read promotion correctly. I technically got two “promotions”. I started working for Prime Therapeutics in December of 2015 as a contractor with Aerotek (so not hired on with the company, but as a temp). I started really liking my job. Finally in the same line of work I had been wanting to be in for a LONG time now. Putting my Pharmacy Technician experience stuff to use, granted in a different aspect of the field, but still. I started in one area, with the goal of becoming a technician and moving to another team. So, by March I had my test scheduled and was studying really hard to get it done and over with. April 27th, 2016 I took my Pharmacy Technician Certification Exam and passed. I had talked to my recruiter, and was told that goal was by August I could transition to the Tech side of things. Only to find out a day or two later than in less than 1 week I would be trained in as a technician. I was shocked, surprised and amazed all at the same time. Shortly after, in the beginning of May, I started training as a technician. I loved my job even more! Still being a contractor. My next hurdle now was to be hired on as a full time employee. In September a round of hiring came around. I was unable to get it only because there were other techs hired on before me that had dibs on the position. I understand. I totally get it! By mid October, there was another round of hiring. I figured, let’s try this again. A week later, I got called into an office. I was nervous thinking I did something wrong. Only to find out that they were going to convert me to a full time employee. They were going to hire me on! My next goal FINALLY accomplished! YES! So for now, my big work goals are accomplished. I only have minor work temporary goals and that is just to keep doing well and doing the best I can. My big goals is to get my money a little more steady, and my health on track and then I can create bigger career goals and focus on more things and more responsibilities. This way my health and money issues will not seep into my work life anymore.

It’s been one heck of a year. It’s been one heck of a life. I’m not sure how I have lasted through half of it, but I have. It’s interesting how I have, but I will continue to survive with those who care for me, love me and support me. Those are the ones who I truly need in my life and are my true friends and family. I could not have done half of what I have done without any of them. They are truly what make me get through each and every day.

Emotional Den

I can’t seem to get this out of my mind
It goes to and fro
Making my mind go stir crazy
I’m afraid to tell you
That you will think I am crazy
Well, maybe I am, just a little
Crazy, that is
I can’t put it into words
the way I feel about you
and when I do, it seems to just
I can’t seem to express myself
Not the way I want
Not the way I need to
so I retreat into my heart and head
Into this little den
Called my emotional safe haven
Then when pushed just right,
I snap…
like the wild animal i feel like
Trapped in this emotional corner
this corner I can’t control enough
To feel safe
To not fight back
I feel cornered
and worry
this may end
WAY too soon.

It is, What it is

I know I know!!! Go ahead and yell at me, I haven’t written in quite a while. Go ahead, scold me. Life has been quite crazy, maybe even a little chaotic. Sometimes I just feel as if my feet can’t get a hold of the ground. It is frustrating, but you know, it’s life.

I know I am NOT the easiest person to get along with, nor am I perfect. I do try hard sometimes, and I try really hard at controlling my emotions. You know, the whole depression/bi polar/PTSD thing. It is NOT an easy feat, but I have managed fairly well for quite a while without taking ANY medications. As of late, I have been thinking of changing that, then I remember the hassle and the way I felt on them. I feel sometimes I do MUCH better off them.

I have my issues, and I have my quirks. Probably not the easiest person to date or be friends with even. Yes, I will have my mood swings, but I think sometimes I am so stressed, that is just how it seems to come out. I don’t like that it happens that way, but I can only seem to learn one coping mechanism at a time. Then I shut myself down, and shut the world out because I feel as if I “said too much” or “felt too much”. Then people take that as me being rude or you know. It’s not. It is a coping mechanism that seemed to form after things went sour in my life. Understanding where these emotions are coming from is one thing, but how do I face them without breaking my entire world apart? These emotions seem to feel way to big for my brain or heart to handle, but when I do face them, I feel as if I messed the entire “system” up.

I guess you can say I get frustrated easily, but I guess that came with the territory of completely removing my filter. Although, if you think of some of the emotions I have bottled up, it isn’t fully removed. It is kind of functioning, but it is a different filter entirely. It is an emotional filter, not the normal kind that people think of. This filter, it blocks things from being let in or out. It hides my heart, builds that wall around parts that are healing, but sometimes things sneak by. The fortress can be conquered occasionally. Not easily, but it can. If you only knew how much, but that is the thing, sometimes that filter will block it just in time, and what comes out is anger and frustration. I will retreat into myself to try to get a grasp of what I am feeling. Then it makes me seem distant to others.

Like I said, I am NOT an easy person to get along with, but the key to “figuring” me out is not really that hard to figure out. Many times when I snap it isn’t always about the “Current” situation, but about many things that may have built up over time, or a bundle of emotions that just became too much for my system to handle.

There are times when people make little jabs here and there, and I will completely hide the fact from them, that they may have been joking, but it truly did hurt. I shut many people out of my life because of this. Some not even purposely. I guess my head/heart decided they weren’t worth the hurt. What do you do if it is someone you don’t want to shut out? Still trying to figure that one out. Heck, I normally figure these things out by writing, but it seems, that that may not quite work the way it normally does. So now what? I feel as if I have tried everything. Do I go back to ground zero? Do I start again, or just pick up the pieces all over again? These puzzle pieces that are so torn and ragged, that they just don’t fit together anymore, and may even be missing a few pieces. This is an incomplete puzzle and one that is quite tough to put together. You know! I used to LOVE puzzles, but now I don’t know.

I don’t understand myself sometimes. So I don’t expect others to understand me either. I mean why should they? It’s my life, not theirs.

So remember, when you love someone with any kind of mental illness, that sometimes they just need a LITTLE more understanding about somethings, and sometimes a little more care. If you are in a relationship work on it together.

I know this one left me a little lost too. I guess it is just my rant for the evening.

I will TRY to write more, not that it happens much. I seem to have so much going on I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Internal Storm

The wind is blowing
Blowing my mind away
The thunder is my heart beating
Do you hear it?
Do you understand?
It is voicing my inner turmoil.
I can’t fight the pain any longer
It hurts
My mind is on fire,
My heart aches
The rain falls
Tear after tear
Its a wonder
How I am still standing
Standing in the rain
Wind hasn’t blown me away yet
Maybe there is still some strength left.
Is it enough to move forward?
Is it enough strength to weather this storm?
The wind is strong
But I just may manage
Let it blow these thoughts
Right out of my mind
Let the rain cleanse my soul
Give me a new peace
Something to look forward to.
We will see
We will hope
That the storm that seems to run through my body
Will go away.

“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations”

Life can be so confusing, interesting, and so much of a let down. You always wonder why you are put on this Earth. Why things happen to you and what it all means? We all can’t contemplate life though, can we? Should we leave this up to the philosophers, or should the mere people like you and I do this?

I know I haven’t written in a while, maybe its due to being busy, maybe its due to lack of inspiration. Who truly knows. I don’t know why I stopped, but know I do have to continue. It is my form of therapy, and I need to continue it in order to finish my healing. Even though I know I will NEVER be done healing. Not fully anyway. There is still a part of me deep down that is more than hurt. The part that I can’t seem to harden to the world. The part that has no walls to climb, and just the random person can put a dig right in there.

Why do I allow this? I’m not sure. Maybe it is just who I am.

“That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.” – The Fault in Our Stars

As you can see I am quoting from one of my most favorite movies at this point in time. It may be due to the way it is, or just how it rings sooo true to my life about loss. The Fault in Our Stars is an awesome movie. Sad, and happy all rolled into one. I highly suggest you watch it. No, this is not a “commercial” for this movie or others. I promise. I am just saying, if you have lost someone there are a few movies out there that tend to ring really close to home. If I Stay is another one. I HIGHLY suggest reading the books before watching. Especially if you are a book worm.

“The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow” – Unknown

I found this quote while figuring out what my newest tattoo was going to be. (Wow the big 12 for tattoos. HAHA)

When I finally have my own place I will be making this quote into wall art. Just as an everyday reminder of what I need. What I am going through and how to deal with it. Our today problems may not be known why, or what is going on, but we surely find out eventually what is truly going on.

Yes, I know, this post is a little out of the ordinary and out of order and doesn’t seem to form a coherent thought process, but trust me. That is just how my brain seems to be thinking today. It seems to be how my brain has been thinking a LOT lately. Nothing seems to to make sense, and yet it makes perfect sense.

“You gave me a forever within the numbered days.” – The Fault in Our Stars

June 30th, 2015 "You gave me a forever within the numbered days"  Done by Angela at The Canvas Tattoo in Prior Lake, MN

June 30th, 2015
“You gave me a forever within the numbered days”
Done by Angela at The Canvas Tattoo in Prior Lake, MN

(I apologize for the grainy bad photo, my camera phone is NOT the best in the world.)

That’s what I remember. Adam. Our good days. Our bad days. Our love. It will never die. He showed me so much, even if people didn’t think we were good for each other. Some thought I was going to get hurt in the end. Well that rang true, but I feel as if that hurt was well worth the love I felt in his arms.

So I have been sitting at Perkins for almost 3 hours now. Partially researching things, applying for jobs, working on a few things, talking to people, and of course typing this. It is now pouring outside. It is like the sky has opened up with tears and pain that I am feeling on the inside. I love watching the rain. Their is something so cleansing about it. If only we could use it as a metaphor for life. If only it were that easy to wash away our pain.

“You can’t the next chapter of your life, if you keep rereading the last one.” -Unknown

You can’t move on unless you let go of your past. I know this sounds SOO simple and SOO easy, but it sure isn’t. It is something that I am learning how to do. It is not easy, as I tend to over analyze my past, my life way more than I should. I can’t help it. It just seems to be the way my brain is programmed. NO idea why, maybe it is what I witnessed throughout my life and learned, maybe its a pre-existing condition, or maybe it is just something that happened over time from all the stressors I have become accustomed too. I do have to say that my mom is a big factor in how and why I survive the things I survive. Bravery has nothing to do with it. Strong willed/strong minded sure does. I used to be fairly week when it came to things such as my bi-polar, but events in the last two and a half years have taught me that I can move on. Even if I do have some baggage, I can do what I need to to be me.  I have left most baggage behind, but I have much left. Working on unpacking each on individually. That is the only way to do it, otherwise I will just get overwhelmed. Why add more stress to my life when I do not have to.

“Silence is the most powerful scream” -Unknown

I don’t know how else to say it. Many think that I am surely up to no good when I am silent. This isn’t always the case. It is occasionally, yes, I will admit that. Usually, though, it is due to deeply thinking, and internalizing my pain that I am feeling. It is as if I am so overwhelmed with what I am feeling that words fail me. And if you know me well, I am not usually speechless. I typically ALWAYS have something to say. Silence, at times, may be my way of coping with how I am feeling. I learned at a young age, not intentionally, to wait till you get to your own bed/room to cry. Walk away and deal with it. My mom does this. She didn’t intentionally teach me, but I saw that she did this, and I tended to follow suit. I don’t think it is the best way to deal with things, but it is how I learned to cope. I have some I can completely break down barriers with, while others, I just, can’t.

“Never Ever Give Up” -Unknown

I can honestly say, in the past I would lean towards suicide. I had suicidal tendencies. Not anymore. Adam’s death taught me something. Something that I will hold so close to my heart that I will never lose it. He was strong for so long, he couldn’t handle it anymore. His strength gave up. He couldn’t do it anymore. I am going to prove to myself that I have the strength to move past all these “problems” that life throws me. They may be difficult, but I will NEVER EVER GIVE UP. I can’t. I made a promise to Adam, myself, and my family after he died. I will move forward until my body will never let me move forward no longer. Even then, I am sure I will fight till my very last breath. If you are EVER thinking about giving up. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek help. NOTHING is worth ending your life.

“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.” -Bob Marley



I chose NOT to end my sentence. What do you choose? Life is precious. Life is special. It is a gift, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I can’t help but wonder MANY times, what would have happened if I ended my life. I am glad, at times, that I didn’t. I know I can’t, I won’t. I don’t have it in me to end my life. NOT for anything. NOT for anyone. Live your life for yourself and only yourself. What would you want people to say at your funeral? That you lived a long fulfilling life, or a short one that didn’t get much accomplished? I would rather go out with a bash. I want to make something of myself. To show others that you can rise above all of this. All of the pain, and all of the heartache. I know I am not destined to hurt forever, I can’t. I won’t allow myself.

“I’m sad, but I smile. That is my life.” -Unknown

Many times you may see sadness in my eyes, but I won’t tell you. I will not allow many to know just how deep the hurt goes. I smile, to say, I will be okay. I have to be. The pain can’t get any worse. Smiling is a coping device I use. Try it. See if it helps. Sometimes an outward appearance, helps the inner feelings and struggles. Also, don’t be afraid to dream. Your subconscious tries to work these things out in your sleep. It may not be fun, and is sometimes painful, but in the end you just may have an AHA moment. Smiling is healing. Don’t ever forget to smile. It is good for you. Even if you don’t feel like smiling. ALWAYS smile. Life will change. Just wait and see. Sometimes life is a huge waiting game. Just gotta let it do what it needs to do for you. Things do happen for a reason. Just see what that reason may be.

“Do what you have to do for you.” -Johnny Depp

LIVE LIFE!!!!!!! Don’t stop. Enjoy, have fun, do what you need to to live your life happily.

Blessed Be All.

And I promise I will try to write more frequently. Hopefully whatever job I find now, will allow me to be able to write a lot more often. Heck, I may even be adding recipes again. We’ll see. Comment below what you would like to see in the future. Maybe I’ll appeal to what ya’ll want.



R.I.P. Robin Williams

We lost a beloved actor yesterday. His suicide has brought up some very painful memories. Some memories that stab deep down into my soul. My heartaches knowing what significant amount of pain he must have been in order to figure suicide was his final only option. Is he a coward for choosing this route? I think not. Was it the right choice. Probably not, but he did what he thought was best for himself. Suicide isn’t cowardly. Many times they are brave to do it. Knowing what it’ll do. Am I condoning it? No. I’m simply explaining.
People who use suicide as an out feel there is ABSOLUTELY NO other out to the pain they feel. Whether it be physically or emotionally. Sometimes we can’t always stop it. It is sometimes inevitable. All we can do is love them our hardest, and help them through the hurdles. Be there for them through it all.

Heaven claimed another angel.
May he smile down upon those
Who he made laugh
And smile
Knowing his pain
Is no longer a burden
To his big heart
Let his angel wings soar
To spread happiness
To more around the world
Give them peace
This great man is now
And more alive now
Then he ever was before

“You love the idea of me”

I found the Freedom Writer’s Diary and when the teachers husband tells her he wants a divorce he tells her that she loved the idea of him. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this movie and didn’t fully understand the statement. That is, until now. Thinking back upon all the years. Things were a convienence when it came to certain things. No, I’m not saying Adam is included in this statement. Far from it. I’m just remembering other people in my life before. Some of them were just an idea of what I wanted, but now I know what I want and I’m going after it head on. Some things may still be fuzzy, but my life is my own and I’m going to live it my way and no one elses.
Many people have asked if I still miss Adam. I have to honestly say, yes, I do. I miss him deep down in my heart more than anything, but I can’t live my life in the past. I know I will always miss him and know that I will cry at times. I will cry for the man he was, and for the man he could have been. He will always have a place in my heart. It will be a soft spot, but I know I will be able to move on to what I am meant to do. I am meant to do something great because I am willing to do it, not because some unforseen force told me I am going to be great. I will move on in life because I know that’s what Adam wanted and it is what I needed.
I will not settle for just an idea. I am not going to settle at all. I will be me, and whomever doesn’t like that doesn’t need to be in my life. I am standing up for myself, making my voice heard. Life is going to be different from now on. I am rising to my full potential. No longer just settling, but reaching for the stars and succeeding.