Life, Heartbreak, Torment, and Suicide prevention and awareness
Okay so it has been quite a while since I last posted an actual post minus the recipes. Well, something happened Christmas Eve that has changed my life forever. And now I am NOT being overly dramatic about this. I am quite serious. In fact, if you are going to act that way then leave. LOL (sorry had to add humor as what you are about to read is a little depressing, sad, etc.)
So, we, Adam and I, had moved into a new apartment on November 1st, 2012. Well we were all fine and dandy and living the life thinking things were going to be okay, but come to find out they weren’t. Adam started getting bug bites. I wasn’t. This triggered some of his mental issues he had in the past. Come to find out that the bites were from bed bugs. Who would have thought our DREAM apartment complex turned into a nightmare in a matter of days? Well, the first was on a Thursday, we by the following Tuesday evening temporarily moved into a hotel. (This started our hotel hopping for about two weeks). This stopped the bites. Now the time to wait for the apartment people to FINALLY do their job. Our DREAM apartment complex, turned nightmare in a matter of days, about two months later it became more of a nightmare than I would have imagined (keep reading to find out what).
So we had gathered up the essentials and our guinea pigs in their temporary cages. (We had gotten a new one since one of our other ones had passed away a week before the move.) They still weren’t getting along so we had two separate temporary cages. Fun, right? OH YEA. LOADS. lol
So we spent a week and a half in a hotel, then on November 12th, 2012 I had to have my thyroid removal (see other post for more on this). My Great friend/sister took the piggies for a few days for us. I stayed in the hospital over night and the next day went to our home away from home. FUN. At least the hotel staff were nice. So on Wednesday I had dropped off a blanket for a cat at the humane society. On Thursday Adam had his WORST bout of mental issues he had since we moved to Colorado Springs. He ended up checking himself into the hospital hoping they would help him with his medication. They didn’t. in fact they were taking him off EVERYTHING without trying to prevent seizures (a side effect if taken off a medication without trying to prevent them or not stopping gradually). So as you can see things are already bad. I was JUST released from the hospital two days prior. In pain, and not having the person who helped relieve it by just being there for me. I knew he had to take care of himself before he could take care of anyone else. So on Thursday I talked to him and on Friday I had no idea what hospital he was in because he never had the chance to call me back and when I called the hospital that I THOUGHT (I knew in my mind he was there) he was at they said IF he is here we will give him your message. They NEVER EVER gave him my messages!!!! HOW RUDE!!! So on Sunday they let him check out against doctor’s orders.
We did a few errands to get stuff situated before going home. We could now go back to the apartment because a treatment had been done on Friday and it was now Sunday. So we went and picked up the piggies and went back to the apartment to find a HUGE mess from the treatment company. We had to call the police thinking that the shotgun was stolen. At this point in time I WISH it had been stolen. It would have caused me less heartache in the end. But no changing things now and no what if is going to change anything. So we called the third party people about the issues and had to have a neighbor help pick up the heavy boxes as I still couldn’t lift things. (I was only a week out from surgery.) So fun fun. As I was sitting on the phone waiting to talk to people I saw ANOTHER bed bug. The treatment DIDN’T WORK!!!! At this point we were out of money and couldn’t go back to hotels. We were stuck. so we lived with it. Two weeks later they did another treatment. We stayed with a friend for the day. The treatment, again, DIDN’T WORK. Bed bugs were still there full force. At this point I just wanted to burn the place down. It would solve everyone’s problem. At this point we are now into December. I was healing, but not fast enough. Adam was at his worst that he had EVER been. We were FINALLY able to get him in to see people, but things just weren’t working. Why was this happening to us??? We did good when we could, we helped others when we could. We even helped when we were struggling ourselves. Again, the what if’s now will not change a thing.
So, I am already back on my normal schedule of working at the college and going to classes. FINALLY, classes end. Still no news on what the next step is with the treatment company. Which is sort of annoying. We didn’t have the money to move out, even if they did refund our deposit. We just didn’t know what we were going to do. So the week before Christmas I worked more than I usually did because my schedule had changed. Allowing me to work more hours, and the fact that being it was “winter break” I could work 40 hours instead of the normal 20 during the semester. I was working hard knowing that we needed the money. We had a rough weekend. We stayed at my friends so I can do as much laundry as I possibly could so it was done and over with. We stayed there that night because Adam couldn’t stand our apartment. Not only was it invaded by pests, but two people and two guinea pigs were living in a small 300 square foot apartment. Yea, not that great of a time. Due to the bed bugs we couldn’t move into our “permanent” apartment because they had to finish renovating it. They didn’t want to finish because they wanted to get rid of the bugs first. (New carpet and bed bugs do not mix). So that weekend he spent a lot of time at our friends house because he felt safer. That was okay with me because some things had lapsed since not really being there then being there and being unable to do much do to surgery, and the mess the treatment company made, etc. So I tried to get things done, but I was worried about Adam.
On Christmas Eve some instances are blurred others are what others tell me, and some still have blanks. So bear with me please. That morning Adam woke me up yelling in one of this “fits” again. His new meds weren’t quite working. They do take time to kick in and he only JUST started taking them the week before. He finally found enough cash to go get cigarettes and he finally calmed down enough to lay down and rest.
A couple hours later he started freaking out again. He got another bug bite. And he had a SEVERE reaction to the bugs. He had HUGE welts from them. So he had gone into the bathroom to smoke out the window. He started saying many things. I don’t remember much of what he was saying. I was sitting five feet from the bathroom door (remember 300 sq foot apartment) and the door was open. I had JUST made some lunch. I was hungry. I remember him asking if there was more and I said yea, its in the pan and that I didn’t dish him up any because I wasn’t sure if he wanted any. (He hadn’t been eating much and I wasn’t going to force him. Why should I force someone to eat if they aren’t hungry?) He then started flipping out again and asking if he was sterile and unable to have children. (I’ll explain more later). Then said he was going to kill himself. I don’t remember him grabbing the gun. Normally it is NOT loaded. Now remember the size of the apartment, where I am sitting and where the door is located to the bathroom. He was sitting on the toilet and the next thing I know I heard a LOUD bang and saw his head whip back and the bullet enter his head. I ran from the room screaming. I had the phone in my hand. I didn’t know what else to do other than go get neighbors to help me figure out what to do. I was already on the phone with 911. They had put me on hold. Yes, ON HOLD. Granted it was like 30 seconds, but that 30 seconds was the longest time of my life. I was sitting in the hallway and one of the neighbors, THANK GOODNESS, (I still need to send her and my other neighbors a thank you note) was home. She sat in the hallway with me while I was on the phone with 911. I don’t remember the call. I remember vaguely walking out to the porch to wait and the cops showing up first. Three cop cars I believe, there could have been more. I don’t remember. Then the fire truck (first responders), then the ambulance The police went in first to secure the “scene”. One had come out to the first responders and said that he thinks he (Adam) is still breathing. I thought thank god that means they can save him right?? I was wrong. The ambulance people went in and the first responders came out saying that they were hooking him up to machines. 5 LONG minutes later I saw the fire chief come out and look at one of the police officers shake his head. I knew then. My heart dropped out of my chest. It couldn’t be. NO, it can’t be. Then the ambulance people started walking out the front door of the apartment building with all their things. If I was standing I know I would have fallen to the ground crying, begging for them to try some more. To save him. To breath life into his lovely face again. To hold him to be able to kiss him again. To tell him I love him ONE more time.
From this point forward I don’t remember much. I remember bits and pieces, the rest has been pieced together by friends who had showed up to help me.
I remember walking to the chaplain’s car (the one that works with the police department) I remember it took a lot to get me there because I refused to leave the porch. I guess I was shivering really bad from the cold, but refused to put socks or shoes on. I just wanted to cry, yell, scream, and beg. I wanted to go back in time. In my mind I pleaded with god to please let me redo the day. Let me insist earlier that he get help before it actually got this bad. Again, what if’s do not help.
I remember vaguely being moved to a friend’s car and my other friend showing up. (My saviors that day.) This is where things got fuzzy. I remember people talking and they were whispering out of ear shot. I just wanted to yell. I wanted to scream at them to talk to ME. I just wanted to scream at them at everyone. I was screaming, but on the inside, no one could hear me. I wanted to die. For all I know I was dying on the inside. I felt dead. I wished I was. This worried my friends to no end. They didn’t know I had one motivating factor keeping me from killing myself. My family, my mom, my little brother, my siblings, my grandma, everyone. I couldn’t do it to them. As much as I want to be with Adam again. I can’t do it to them. As much as my heart aches I can’t. I’d rather live with this unbearable pain then to make someone else go through what I am going through.
This is where I don’t remember, but someone filled in. I supposedly became unresponsive to the point I wasn’t even looking at anyone. I was told that it came to the point of barely breathing and that someone had to actually hold my head up. My friend was afraid I was in shock. (Wouldn’t you be too if you just saw what you saw and just lost the love of your life?) I think I heard her say later she was mad that the ambulance people didn’t check me out before they left the first time (yes they had to come back). At this point she told me that she had to tell them to get an ambulance. When the ambulance got there, I briefly remember having climbed on the stretcher and put in the ambulance. I remember shaking violently. I don’t know if it was the cold, shock or a combination. (I was still in my night gown). They then took vitals. By this time I started to come back to. At least somewhat. I remember the police having to do something with my hands to test for gun residue. I wanted to kick and scream at them. Asking them if they were nuts to think I would do something like that to him??? I started to pull into myself again. I briefly remember the ambulance person asking if I wanted to go to the hospital. I told him no, but my friends insisted. My heart rate was really high. Now many who know me, know, I HATE taking medication and refuse to take it if I don’t have to, this includes having to go to a hospital. Bad things happen at hospitals.
I sort of remember the ambulance ride. I remember thinking I could so easily kill myself in here. It wouldn’t be that hard. The medicine cabinet was right next to me. it was unlocked. I remember debating it, I even almost opened it. That’s when I thought, why?? I would hurt my family and I couldn’t do that to them. By the time I almost got the courage to just do it and get it over with, we were at the hospital. My opportunity was gone. I remember being wheeled in and they gave me a room. I was now at the hospital, all by myself. I wanted to yell and scream. I wanted to punch the wall. I wanted to die. I was already dead on the inside. I went to the nurse I had to use the restroom. By the time I came back to my room a couple “friends” (I use the term loosely) were there. The doctor came in to see me and he wanted to give me medication. He wanted to give me ativan. I refused. I said he (Adam) took ativan. I don’t want it. The nurse came in and said it isn’t ativan its lorazepam. UMMM HELLLOO, I AM A PHARMACY TECHNICIAN, I KNOW WHAT LORAZEPAM IS, ITS THE GENERIC TO ATIVAN!!!!!! I am NOT dumb. I refused it. I was there for a few hours and at this point I just wanted to leave. I wanted out of that place. My one “friend” had to check herself into the er due to something. Her fiance stayed with me. When the nurse came in, she checked my vitals again. My heart rate was still through the roof. She was worried, but being I was up and moving around and responding and seeming okay she started the discharge process. My friend’s fiance FINALLY spoke up when she gave me a prescription for ativan. He spoke out for me, having heard me say SEVERAL times that I didn’t want that medication. I didn’t want anything, but if they had to give me something, I didn’t want THAT. So they gave me a prescription for valium. It became my savior for a bit when I couldn’t seem to sleep or when the anxiety seemed to be at its worst. Again, everyone KNOWS how I HATE taking medication. If I can go without I will. I will “suffer” through the pain. I hate how medications make me feel. Don’t want that. So I had to go wait for my one friend to come get me (one that showed up at the apartment and insisted I go to the hospital) I was going to stay with her temporarily till we figured things out. She showed up and told me that it took so long to get there because of the fact that they had to FIGHT with the police to get the guinea pigs. The police were gonna ship them off to the humane society to be euthanized. My two friends (Allisa and Robin) are my saviors at this point. They both showed up at the apartment and they BOTH fought to get the guinea pigs. After about three hours they were able to get them. Robin got them all set up at her place. Thank you both!!! You are much appreciated.
The rest of the day isn’t that important being not much happened other than a lot of crying, a lot of refusing medication, finally just giving in. I was tired of closing my eyes and seeing it all over again. I am pretty sure I suffer from PTSD, but I tell someone that and I am told that I am crazy. So who knows.
That week became a blur. I remember cleaning out the apartment and again Allisa and Robin REFUSING me in to begin with. They didn’t know the state of the apartment yet. I did go in later that evening with the bathroom door closed. (It had not been cleaned up). I felt him there. So did everyone else.
There was a lot that happened that week when I moved back to Minnesota. I did find out that my heart is and always will be in Colorado Springs. I am moving back when things become right again. When I am emotionally and financially ready. It became home in the two years I lived there. I don’t know when. Maybe it was when the fire happened. Maybe it was when I found such great friends. Maybe it was when I started college who knows. But I WILL be moving back. It is not oh I might be, I AM.
Now to the part about Adam again. Adam had something called Schitzoaffective disorder and bipolar and depression. We were thinking there was more to it than that, but at the time we were just trying to get the symptoms under control before moving too much more forward. He was hearing voices and he was paranoid. That is all a part of the Schizoaffective disorder. When we moved into the apartment the bed bugs triggered it. It was a BAD trigger. He then ended up with a UTI, causing another trigger. And from after having October happen (the month from hell), he started slipping again. When we moved to the springs things were better. He still had issues, but not as bad as before, in fact he was getting better, but with all the stress added, it made the anxiety worse, which made all the other stuff trigger and happen. Now you add depression and anxiety together you get someone who is a possible suicidal case. Now you add new meds that have a POSSIBLE side effect of being suicidal and you have an explosive mix. We were doing everything we could to get things under control, but they came too late. I feel as if it is partially my fault, but what was I to know that he would fall backwards that far again? Things were going pretty well. For the both of us. We had a rough time in October, but we were pulling through things together. Many don’t understand how bad Adam was. He was pretty bad. In fact he was so bad he was afraid of hurting me due to the voices. He was afraid of doing things because of them. They were strong, and it turns out, a LOT stronger than him. He also suffered from chronic pain. I saw the scans of his back, so don’t say he is a pill addict. His back was MESSED UP. You add the pain to all his other things and that lead to him wanting to end the pain.
I am not mad at him. I know why he did it. Remember, I thought about doing it myself in the ambulance??? Remember I was thinking I can end this pain right here and now?? Why would I be mad at him? He was doing what he thought best for himself and me. Now it wasn’t the best thing, but he wasn’t in his right mind.
Before you question, make sure you understand FULLY what was going on. This will be my LAST description of what happened. I will NOT talk about it again, until I am ready. I want everyone to understand this. If you still have questions either you will have to eat them or you will have to wait till I am ready. I am DONE explaining. It is NOT helping. I lose sleep a lot because of the flash backs and because I am SOO used to sleeping next to him. We were together for 5 and a half years. Lived together for 5 of those years. Slept next to each other almost every night for those five years. I’m still experiencing issues from this experience. I may SEEM happy and ooh lala or what not, but I am not. I just learned to hide these things early on. I learned to hold it in till I got to my bed at night. So many may not EVER see them, unless you are those special few people in my life. And some i don’t show it for fear of burdening them of things on top of what they already have to deal with.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you are suicidal get help. There is a help line for you. Also there are other resources and people to talk to. Don’t be afraid to tell them. They are there for you!! If you know someone who is suicidal PLEASE don’t ignore it. Life is precious. I hate to see anyone else have to go through what I have had to go through. I want everyone to pay attention. Suicide is NOT a silent killer. Most people reach out before hand in some shape or form. In Adam’s case it was just a little too late. Don’t let it be too late for someone you love/care about.
And with this post I say goodbye to the year from hell and hello to a new year. I hope it is better than the last. It has to be right?