Life After Death
Tonight’s post may be a little gruesome, but it has to get out of my head or I am going to sit here like a little baby. Bawling my eyes out. I have to get this off my chest, I have to get it out of me before I fall apart more than I already am.
Today I was doing fine, until things just started downhill. Funny how just one word from a “friend” can do more harm then good when you are in this “state of mind”. Does this mean your friends should walk on egg shells? No. It just means they should be aware of how they say things. No that isn’t walking on egg shells. It is just merely being a good friend and make sure what they say doesn’t have a negative outcome.
No, that is not what the dark part of this is going to be. The dark part is coming up.
I wrote in the first post about what happened on Christmas Eve about the ambulance ride to the hospital. Not many know what actually happened in the ambulance except for me and the people driving the ambulance. I stared at that unlocked medication cabinet. I thought at first how silly of them to leave it open. How stupid it was, but how easy they left it for me to do what I had been wanting to do since they told me he died. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to so bad, but I just couldn’t. You would think that being a pharmacy tech that I wouldn’t botch it up right? Then why couldn’t I just do it and get it over with? I have been telling other people why I wouldn’t do it, but the truth is, I chickened out. But did I really? Wouldn’t it have been easier on my heart to just have done it? To have just killed myself? What was I truly afraid of? Am I afraid of death? Am I afraid I will botch it? What am I afraid of? That is a good question indeed.
I am afraid of living a life filled with sadness that will eat me alive. I am afraid of waking up in the morning and not seeing his smiling face. I am afraid of dying. I am afraid that my heart will harden so much that I will never find love again. Why should I be able to? I wasn’t able to save him.
So why didn’t I just end it in that ambulance? I ran out of time. That is the true answer. I didn’t get the time to do it. By the time I would have reached up and got anything from there one of the ambulance people would have stopped me, and it took less than five minutes to get to the hospital. Not enough time. Why do I not do it now? I want to, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to have my family find me. Otherwise at this point I would be gone. No, don’t go calling 911. I won’t. Like I said. These are thoughts all rolling around in my head. Thoughts that I HAVE to get out of my head out of my body. Otherwise they are going to eat me whole.
What do you do with life after death? What do you do when you lost your soul mate? Your best friend? Someone you had cared about more than ever? What do you do when the life you planned gets ripped from your arms in the matter of seconds, just from the pull of a trigger. It seems like YEARS when you hear that bang, and race to get help. It seems never ending. You don’t know what to do or think. You just rely on instinct or on whatever is moving you forward.
What do I do now? I try to keep myself busy to not suffer panic attacks or anxiety attacks. Deal with the stares, and the glances. Deal with the what ifs and the pain. I feel my heart hardening, just going through the motions. Not really seeing or caring about what is really going on. I am just moving forward without actually moving forward.
So would have killing myself been better? Do I really believe this? To this day I do not know. I do know a few things though. It would just cause more hurt than relief. It would hurt my family. Or so I am told. It would hurt the few friends who say they are my friends. (I know that many are not gonna be friends after reading this, because many think they TRULY know me and that they think they are TRUE friends, when in fact I have a handful of true friends. They have shown themselves the last couple of months.)
I’m done hiding my grief, I am done hiding my sorrow for others. If I cry, I will cry. If I smile, know it may only be skin deep. A true smile that goes all the way down to the bone will NOT happen anytime soon. I know this, and many others should realize this too. Don’t expect much from me if you treat me like a china doll or if you treat me like complete crap. If you want, I will draw you a picture. Just use tact. Use your brain once in a while when talking to me.
The feeling of wanting to die is still inside me. Will I do it? No. I can’t. The opportunity is gone and over with. I know it will never come again. Am I moving forward? Yes, mentally, but emotionally? I am still stuck on that day. I am still stuck on Christmas eve. I am stuck with all the questions and none of the answers. I am stuck with the head games. I am stuck with not knowing whether or not things would have been better or if we would have parted ways. You can’t tell me you know. No one can tell the future. That’s like saying if I would have known that things would have ended the way they did that I would not have been with Adam. No, I loved him. We cared about each other. I know this because of a few things he revealed to a dear friend a mere few days before his death. He was in a bad place. He was not mentally well. He was afraid of hurting me. In the end he hurt me more than he could ever know. Time cannot be turned back. Time cannot be changed. The past is the past. I am learning some things little by little. While still suffering a few anxiety attacks/panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares. My “good” memory is my worst enemy right now. It won’t let me forget. I want to forget somethings, but it refuses to. That is why this is so heard to endure. I just wish I can turn my heart to stone so as to not feel any of this pain, this sorrow, this hurt. I just wish I didn’t have to “endure” any of this. Life put me on this trail for a reason. Now it is up to me to figure that out. I am having issues finding that path, but hopefully I will find it soon. Maybe it is to help teach others things of grief or dealing with the death of someone who had killed themselves. I don’t know. Right now my only true goal is to live and to keep putting one foot in front of the other (yes, right now I know you are now thinking of that one Christmas song. How ironic, right?)
So I leave you with this. Don’t let life throw you a curveball and then think you can just simply end it. Life isn’t that easy. That curve ball may have been sent to you, but then you just sent one to another person. You may not think you are someone to somebody else, but more than likely you mean the world to at least one person. Don’t live in the past full of regrets, live your life, put one step in front of the other. Don’t give in to the depression, the feeling of low self worth. Open your eyes and look around you. There may be more there than what you are really seeing. Put on the big girl/boy glasses and see the world for what it truly is. See where you can improve it. See where you can make a difference. Even with just one person. Pay it forward. You never know. You may have just saved someones life by simply doing something nice. Think about it.
I know that no one (out loud) on my last blog took my challenge. Let’s see how many do this. Find ONE person. Whether it be the person in line in front of you at the gas station, or just a random stranger on the side walk. Do something nice. Pay for the person’s gas, help the elderly lady/gentleman across the street. Just like in the movie “Pay it Forward”. (I suggest you watch it.) Let’s reach our goal of Pay it forward. My goal is to help at least three people by Easter. What is your goal? What will you try to do? There are many things you can do. If you need help figuring out your ideas, ask. (Why do I ask by Easter? Because, for lent this year, I didn’t give up anything, because I feel I gave up quite a bit already, so I am going to pay it forward. I am going to give someone else a little piece of my time. A little piece of my heart.)
READY, SET, GO!!!
P.S. write in the comment section what your pay it forward is or what you did or plan to do. 😀