Death – How to Deal?
So as many had read before, last year was a BAD year. Not only did I have to deal with the loss of Adam, but I also had to deal with the loss of a very loved pet (Kitten), Adam’s dog got to put to sleep also (I loved that dog. Honey), my great grandma died, and Adam’s grandma died. All these deaths, minus one, all happened in a three month span. I seriously do not know how I am dealing right now. I am surprised I am putting one foot in front of the other, let alone actually getting out of bed in the morning. Yea, I may not be getting a lot done, but I’m living aren’t I? Isn’t that what everyone wanted? (Well, I know some didn’t want that, but screw them.)
There are MANY textbooks on grieving, but there is NO ONE WAY to deal with grieving. Everyone grieves in their own time in their own way. “Grief is NOT a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, spiritual NECESSITY, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve” – Earl Grollman. When I FINALLY started getting somewhere with getting some stuff done, I found this quote and printed it out and put it up on the wall. I have to say it rings true. There are many others I found, just as reminders, but one thing we have to remember is that no matter how much we grieve, we still have to move forward too. I am not saying what all the other people are saying, “You need to move on!” BLAH BLAH BLAH. I am saying, you still have a life, you have to live. You can’t just simply stop living, even though that is what we all want to do after losing someone so dear to us. Especially after going through a year like we had last year. Look at me, I am still saying we. Well if you count my two baby girls (guinea pigs) and I, I guess it is still we, but you all know what I mean.
Life isn’t easy. Never has been, never will be. The hardest thing I think is learning how to live. I still have the issues with my brain tricking me into thinking that what I am going through isn’t real. That I am just dreaming. Then I wake up and realize, oh, it is not a dream. This is “real life”. Just put me back in the dream world please? Yea, it would be more pleasant. I found another quote, “Wake me, I’ve had enough.” I don’t know who it is by, but it seems appropriate. Don’t you think? Or how about this one, “The hardest thing is to tell your mind to stop loving someone if your heart still does.” Yea, I don’t think that love will EVER die. He was my best friend, my soul mate, my lover, my everything. We were together for 5 and a half years.
Now your probably thinking, now you are off in another tangent and this post is going to go on forever. Yea, my intention is not to have a huge post, but I think my blog could use some more filler. What do you say? Especially being, I do have 30 followers, but NO ONE seems to wanna comment when I “give a task”. It’s all good. I like talking to the wall! (Insert chuckle here). Like I was saying, I didn’t go off on a tangent, really I didn’t, everything I am telling you has a purpose. It is me telling my story. Telling how I cope. In hopes that it may help others. (I hope it does.)
Some things I did to help:
1. Store all pictures away when ready. Do not look at them until your ready.
2. Don’t let yourself fall into so deep a depression you can’t climb back out. Surround yourself with friends (and sometimes family) to help you with this task. It is quite hard.
3. Don’t stay couped up in the house all the time. You are bound to get “stuck” if you do.
4. Find sayings/quotes and put them EVERYWHERE where you will read them on an almost daily basis.
5. Find a few “buddies” who are not afraid of a two a.m. phone call if you are having a rough night. (Trust me, this is a necessity. THANK YOU, YOU GUYS ROCK!)
6. Don’t stop living. It may seem difficult, but you will soon realize that you can do more things than you think. Sometimes I put on a front, but in the end it helps.
7. Don’t let others judge you. Just like in any other situation. Don’t let others judge you. It is bound to cause even more grief and more hassle for you in the long run. And do not be afraid to put them in their place if you have to.
8. Write EVERYTHING down. Write everything from a to do list, to a detailed list of what you did that day. During grief it can be hard to distinguish between your days. It will help. Even if you get a “diary” or “journal” and write only ONE word on how you feel that day. You will see how far you’ve come. You will then realize what you have accomplished. (This is my KEY note on grieving. It is why I started these blogs. Not only to tell others what I am going through and what happened, but to see if it actually helped and if you haven’t noticed I have been writing more on my blog than I used to. More than just recipes that is.)
9. GRIEVE. Like that one quote said. Don’t be afraid to grieve in any way you need too. As long as it is safe! Please don’t go hurting yourself, it isn’t worth it in the end.
10. Throw everything I said out the window. Remember, do what YOU need to do. If these help, then do them. I am just simply telling you things that helped me.
After losing Kitten, I think I lost it. I seriously lost it. I had to put Jenny in a carrier till I was able to clean the cage. That never happened. When we moved I had Adam and a friend throw it out. I figure we were moving, may as well start fresh. I could barely stay in the same room as the cage. I snuggled Jenny AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE for a LONG TIME. That is how I tended to grieve after Kitten. We did have her for almost five years after all. (Her and Jenny will/would be six this year.) I still have Kitten’s ashes, and I have her paw prints hanging next the head of my bed. Plus I have her paw prints tattooed on my leg. I cherish that tattoo. Well, I cherish them all, especially Adam’s memorial tattoo. That is another thing I did. I got tattoos as reminders. Not of grieving, or bad times, but of that chapter of my life. No I am not endorsing you go out and get a tattoo or a piercing. AGAIN I AM ONLY STATING WHAT I DID. I am also working on getting a “locket” to hold Kitten’s hair. I have Adam’s cross and one of his guitar pics on a necklace. I am going to have a piece of kitten with me too.
I JUST took off mine and Adam’s rings. I had them both placed on my ring finger. I am still feeling guilty about taking them off, but I take them off to shower and I forgot to put them back on two days in a row. So I figured it was a sign that it was time to put them away. I still don’t know how I feel about it and it has been about 4 days. They aren’t thrown away or anything. I have them sitting in a jewelry box. I may end up putting them back on if it gets too me too much. But I am thinking about making a ring (or having a friend make me one) out of some of Adam’s guitar strings. (Yes, I got the idea from a song.) But I found some, and thought it was a good idea. I mean I AM used to having a ring on that finger (had one on there for about 4 years almost 5 years). So, it may be the best alternative, being Adam’s ring is too big for any of my fingers except my thumb. and I don’t like having rings on my thumbs. I may put his ring on my necklace too, but then I would need a bigger necklace to do that. I do not know. What do you do with a personalized ring? I had a personalized ring that he got me. I LOVED that ring (still do). It was two hearts with our birthstones and our names. On the inside says Love Forever. He always wanted to buy me something a bit more expensive, but I always refused. I loved my ring. I didn’t need a diamond to tell me he loved me. The ring had its purpose. It showed others, I was taken. My heart was stolen by a wonderful guy. A guy I will never forget even if I tried. (Great, here I go crying again! Gonna go take a quick breather before finishing. Yes, I am not done yet.)
Ok, now where was I? Oh yes, grief. You know how I was talking about that there were MANY MANY textbooks out there outlining grief. If it helps to read them go ahead, but their stages of grief aren’t totally correct. Like I said, NO ONE grieves the same way. We all have our own process, we all have our own steps in how we grieve. One step they say is anger. I never really get much anger. I think on occasion I wonder why he would do this to me and feel upset that he put me in this situation, but no anger. Just upset at where I am at in life and having to deal with this at such a young age. NO ONE should have to deal with their significant other dying this young. NO ONE, but yet, here I am. Still trudging along. And as you see, I am still moving forward. Crying myself to sleep almost every night. More so when I write these blogs. You are now wondering why I would write these blogs if they cause that much hurt. Well, it helps. I can go back and reread how I felt and what things were like for myself that day, that period of time. Things are much harder to remember than you think. I remember the week after his death, but I don’t the days blur together. And many know how good I am at remembering days and dates. (Amazing being I am TERRIBLE at math.) Now, knowing that (or remembering that) you would be shocked to know that when filling out some applications on Friday that I kept writing December 22, 2012. Instead of writing FEBRUARY 22, 2013. Strange huh? It is as if my brain stopped on that date. Stopped two days before his death. I find that so strange. Yes, I have written the date before that period, but what was it about Friday that made me do that? I don’t know. I don’t think I ever will.
Maybe it was the last day I remember, I mean FULLY remember being with him. Who knows. I do know that I HAVE sunk into a small depression. Many don’t see it because I learned A LONG time ago to put a face on for many. Sometimes in my weak moments, you will see it plain as day on my face.
I know that some look at me and say, “Oh, you don’t look any different from when I saw you X amount of years ago.” I find that complete BS. I am PRETTY sure, at least to myself, I look older than I did before Christmas. I sure feel older. I feel as if I have aged 20 or 30 years since that day. You know how I was saying that I don’t quite remember the week after? Well, I SURE DO remember MOST, not all of that day. At least I remember that morning before they told me he was gone. (Here comes the water works. I still can’t get past the fact he is gone. STUPID MIND TRICKS.) You saw the post related to that day. The “first” post I like to call it. The one that started it all. I did realize that once I started writing about this and how I am going through this I got a few more followers. I guess my life is somewhat interesting. LOL (Sorry had to put humor in.)
There was more I was gonna write, but as you guessed it, I did go off on a tangent. I got the basics in. I will probably think of more and write them down in my notebook to write another blog on this subject. In fact there will be many. I have about two pages of “ideas” written down on what I want to put up on here. Eventually I am going to put them in an Ebook also, just like my poems. (Sorry about the delay on the book. I ran into some technical difficulties. LOL)
I am putting this out there yet again. ANY IDEAS OR SUGGESTIONS, on what you would like to know (be reasonable people), or would like to hear. Maybe a specific part of the grieving process and how I handled it, or just in general. Let me know.