Why did they do it?
This is the age old question when suicide is involved. (Note: They did NOT commit a crime. So they did NOT COMMIT suicide, they had killed themselves. You WILL NEVER SEE THE WORD COMMIT in my blog posts for this very reason.)
There are many questions after suicide. There really isn’t closure. There really isn’t…anything. You feel empty, yet full of questions. One that plagues you the most though is: Why did they do it?
Some say that they did it because they were selfish. Well, no they weren’t. They wanted to end the pain and suffering. They were tired of the emotional pain and, quite possibly, the physical pain. Things are NEVER the same after a suicide. Things are hectic, and they never will go back to “normal”. Things are always churning in your mind to never be settled, and in fact, they may never be settled until you are gone yourself.
In this situation, Adam had reached out to a friend to speak about how he had felt before this all happened. No, not that he was going to kill himself, but how he felt. He had told them that he felt like he was a burden to me and that I would be better off if he just left me. He knew that I loved him, and his love for me made him think that because his “demons” were so bad, that I was better off. Does that sound selfish? I don’t think so. He found no other out other than killing himself. In the long run, it did hurt me, more than anything, more than anyone will ever know, or ever feel. This friend told me EVERYTHING that he had told her. He felt trapped in his head with his demons and was afraid of hurting me physically.
Many know, our relationship was NO WHERE NEAR perfect. What relationship is? I know ours definitely wasn’t. We prided ourselves on the fact that we had rough times and we dealt with them together. We won battle after battle together. Why did I stay if things were so rough, you say? I loved this man. With all my heart. There are only a few people who truly seen me fall apart after his death. They saw me pull into myself and withdraw from everything that was going on around me. I think many thought I was in “shock”, but truly, I don’t think that is what it was. My heart was “raw”, I couldn’t let it feel anymore. Hence the thought in the ambulance. Yes, in that instance, suicide would have been selfish, but I didn’t do it. Why? Because I lost the opportunity, I also remembered how I felt when Adam did it to me. I couldn’t do that to those who reached out. Two REALLY good friends. They helped me through so much. More than anyone will ever know.
Yes, we got side tracked, but not really. I am trying to explain that when people state that the person was selfish, that it angers me. The person who states this obviously DIDN’T know the whole picture. Don’t state something, unless you know what is truly going on, know what is truly happening in that persons life/mind.
Adam had many demons. Some of them we don’t know anything about. I know what SOME of those demons were. They weren’t pretty. And I am not going to explain some of them here because that is not the story I am trying to tell. I am simply trying to tell my story. My way of coping through this, and some of my biggest pet peeves. (This will eventually be made into a book. It is currently in the works. See in the future to see where it leads!) This is about how a suicide survivor deals and copes with things, how their minds think. How they “prosper” after the fact.
This one question plays into the mind games. It plays into the what ifs. I was told it would happen, but I just looked at them and laughed because I had already gone through so much in the process and NONE of it was like what they said it would be like. This grieving process. It is COMPLETELY different than what many think it is. Yes, there are textbooks on it. Are they correct? To an extent, yes, but every situation will be different. Not all suicide survivors see their loved ones actually kill themselves. So this is a BIG difference from what the books are going to tell you about grief. It is going to be different because you are dealing with different demons than those just, simply, grieving. You have the images stuck in your head forever.
Back to his demons. He used to hear voices frequently. (I am going to do this post on his demons and mental health because there is NOT enough mental health awareness out there.) He was afraid of them. He used to ask me what I said ALL the time. My one friend found pieces of paper that I had written saying, “I didn’t say anything.” on them. Remember, his death came about a month and a half after my thyroid surgery, meaning I still BARELY had a voice. So, the simplest way to tell him was to write it. She hid it from the others so that they didn’t see, and I appreciated that. I wasn’t ready to bare the demons just yet. Now I am. He had the voices that would tell him these things. These TERRIBLE things. Things that people were going to do to him, or telling him to do to others. He was scared to be around people because of these demons. I didn’t know HOW bad it was until a friend of mine opened this door for me and told me more about it after his death. Were there warning signs that he was going to kill himself? Yes and no. He had threatened it before, but I was always able to talk to him and get him on the phone with the Suicide Prevention Hotline. Like I said before, we were able to get through the storms, however hard they were, we survived. That is how I know, barely, that I will survive this. That is why it came as a shock. Also, because the gun NEVER stayed loaded. He would always make sure it was unloaded. I remember the cops asking me if there were more bullets in the gun at one point because they didn’t see any in there. I told them if you don’t see them in there, then they aren’t. Meaning, he may not have known that it was loaded when he did it. Did he physically load the gun to do it right then and there? NO. That is what makes this process so much harder. The fact that he may not really have wanted to do it. His demons were terrible to handle. They were hard to control. Was he on medication? Yes. He was getting the help he needed. It was just too late.
The whole month of December he was going to therapy, but the demons were so bad, that the sessions didn’t go well. He would sit there and cry because he couldn’t find the words to tell the therapist what was going on in his head. I had gone to one of his sessions, but I wasn’t in his head, so I couldn’t tell the therapist what was going on, besides what I was seeing as an outsider. Yes, at this point, I felt like an outsider because I couldn’t get in his head and calm what was going on. This is the one thing that I was unable to help him with besides just being there and showing him I loved him. I feel guilty because at times I didn’t show him very well how much I loved him.
We were working on things the best we could with what we had. Our love. And if you remember what I said, he was afraid of hurting me. Tell me. Where does selfish come into play in any of this?? If he was that afraid of hurting me and him thinking the only way to “save” me was to kill himself, how is that selfish? Now, the UGLY truth rears its head. Yes, the people who think that this is all done out of selfishness is WRONG. It is done because the people are at the end of their rope. They are dangling off that rope hanging there over the cliff, not know what to do. When finally the last strand breaks. What to do then? They feel the only safe way for them, and others, is to “rid themselves of life”. To make an end to a suffering. They don’t know how else to do it. They don’t know where else to go. Remember, I have been in that predicament before. Yes, I have wanted to kill myself before, but something always pulled me back. Something always stopped me. Something always told me I couldn’t do it. I obviously was NEVER that far to the end of the rope. How long is my rope? How long could it be? No one knows. After Adam’s death and moving back “home”, the only TRUE reason for not ending it right here and now, is because I don’t want my siblings to find me. I don’t want them to go through what I am going through each and every day. This pain that consumes me, the flashbacks, the visions, the memories. They are more painful than you think. You don’t know just how bad it is, until you are put in a situation like this. You know that question, you know the one, “what would you do if….” Yea. You don’t know how you would react if in that situation. You don’t know how you would be, how you would be. To this day, I always wondered, if I did something different, would he still be alive? If I would have did CPR, or if I wasn’t put on hold with 911, but these questions won’t help the healing. So with this post, I am hoping to put just ONE MORE piece behind me. Put it in a nice, neat little box and label it for later use. Label it, questions and strength. To read and go through when my heart isn’t a big ball of “raw” emotions. These emotions so big, I can barely hold them in. I cry into my pillow, wanting to scream out at the world. Tell them that they got the wrong guy. That they got the wrong person. Tell them that I would trade places. Please, just let him live. He was a big part of my heart, a big part of my life. And now, he is gone. To never be there again.
And here is the end. I am putting these emotions on hold, putting them in this box, so neatly packed, so neatly placed and labeled for later use, to examine when I am not falling apart so bad.
Please, do NOT let mental illnesses go unattended. It leads to major consequences. It leads to major hurt and pain. Get help. There are MANY clinics if you are unable to have insurance. If you are having issues with finding help somewhere, message me. I will help you find what you need in your state. I will research what I need to. You also, can call the Suicide Prevention Hotline if things get too far. PLEASE seek help!! Don’t let your loved ones go through what I am having to go through to this day and will have to battle for the rest of my life.