Are you there?
Yes, it has been almost a week since I have posted and quite a week at that. I have been quite busy, both with the non profit, helping my mom work on getting a business started, and battling stress, fatigue and depression all rolled into one. Life isn’t easy and no one will think it was.
Many of you know that I am back in one of my hometowns in Minnesota. It is quite difficult, but not as difficult as being in other places at the moment. I thought I was past the flashbacks finally, only to have four of them appear yesterday. It makes things quite difficult and quite annoying. Who knows, maybe I will never overcome them. I hope I do, I hope I can remember him without having these flashbacks, without remembering that fateful day. The day that my heart died, the day I lost my love, the day I lost my home. Now, you may say, but you are home. No, my home was wherever Adam was. It took me a while to discover this, I may have even discovered it way too late, but I did realize it.
Many of you have been following my journey through this and will continue. I truly appreciate it. I am hoping that these “journals” help. Think of it as a glimpse into my world. Into the world of a survivor, the girl who lived. Who knows, maybe that will be the name of my book, but that is not the meaning for this post. This post is about small coincidences small surprises, and all the like. The little things. So as many of you know, I am going onto my third month without Adam. It is VERY difficult, but I am slowly learning how to live. When I first moved back I started looking for a job right away. In fact I applied at Wal-Mart (yes, Wal-Mart). How amazing that just this last Saturday, I got a phone call for an interview. its been TWO months since filling out the application. Is this Adam’s way of watching over me??? Did he think that I was not quite ready to move on, or start another job yet? If so, then he was right. I filled out application after application. To no avail, but then again, my heart wasn’t in it. Not until recently. Not until I started getting cabin fever so bad, that I almost went for a walk in a snow storm because I was tired of being inside.
So is he watching over me? The job offer came shortly after my money started running low. After knowing that I wouldn’t get another cash infusion until the summer, if I do summer courses, unless I got a job. So is he? It is the BIGGEST question plaguing my mind right now. Many of the other mind games, other than the nightmares and flashbacks, are close to gone. I haven’t been playing the what if game. The migraines have lessened, I still have them, but not as rapid as I used to. The depression is there, but not nearly as much as it was. I still have issues with loud noises, who wouldn’t after what I experienced. You know it is bad when I can’t even hear a pan fall on the floor without flinching and feeling the need to jump up and run out of the room.
The job thing isn’t the only thing that I have found to be quite coincidental. It has been other things, I may even have a car by the end of the week too. Let alone many other things are starting to fall into place. How is this so?? How is it that things are falling into place so well? And yet there are things, such as school, that are just NOT coming easy to me. I am struggling. I never really struggled this bad.
Is he protecting me, are any of these things signs? I don’t know. But it is a MUCH better mind game then the what if mind game. I know many who always ask these questions after losing someone, especially after not having the chance to say good-bye. His ashes will quite possibly get spread this week. I won’t be able to be there. It saddens me to the point of no return. Will I ever get to say good-bye? Will I ever get the closure I need? I am not sure if I will.
I am going to get a tattoo with some of his ashes, if his best friend can get me some. Then I will have some touch ups done on Kittens tattoo with her ashes and a part of his and then have Jenny’s paw prints done with some of his ashes. Many may think that we were crazy thinking of our guinea pigs like our kids, but they were and still are and always will be. Those close to us know just how much they mean to me, how much they meant to Adam, that is why it is only appropriate to add his ashes to their memorial tattoos. No, Jenny is still alive, but I am wanting to get her paw prints done with her name. I know the inevitable is going to happen, much sooner than I want, but it will probably be in the next year or so. In guinea pig years, she is quite an old lady.
I have learned many things over the past year. Some of them were easier lessons, while others just about crushed me to the point of no return. I still feel weak, I still feel as if another blow may just end it all, it may break my heart even further than it already is. Maybe that is why I am thinking about this question, maybe this is why this question is pondered so much. Is he protecting me? Is he watching over me? Am I just reading too much into this? Quite possibly, but maybe it is just a part of my healing process. Maybe he is guiding me through it without me even knowing. I know others say they have felt them with him, but I can’t feel him. I just can’t. Is it because my heart has hardened so much? Is it because my heart has turned to stone. I know it really hasn’t, well not when I am on my own. No one really knows the emotions I have except for my pillows. Not many know the struggles as I hide them well. You will see a smile on my face, but if you watch carefully, you will see the flicker of sadness, the flicker of a memory, one so strong that it crushes me and starts the flashback process all over again. I can’t show my emotion to anyone else, for fear they will tell me I have to move on. To get it out of the way. To move forward in life, but know I may do the motions, but I never truly will move forward. I feel stuck on that fateful day, Christmas Eve, 12/24/2012. That day will forever be etched in my brain, in my heart, in my soul. It will never go away, but I don’t let it over run my life. It may seem to do it behind closed doors, but no one else will know how much I have been affected. How much it will affect my future because I won’t let them see. I am what I call the “silent griever”. Few have seen my tears, few have seen my fall apart, but not many will. I hide it. I don’t need others to see my pain. They have their own lives to deal with. I don’t need to bother them with my trivial heart.
Words of Advice:
You will hear this MANY times. Grieve the way YOU feel comfortabel grieving. Do NOT allow others to tell you to move on. Only YOU can say when you are ready. Only YOU can say when you are ready for the next step in life, but do not allow yourself to be consumed within the depression to the point that you will NEVER live again. That is not healthy. Get yourself out of the house on occasion, see a friend or two. Go to the movies by yourself, or treat yourself somehow. ALWAYS take care of yourself. If you don’t, you can’t take care of others. This is especially important for those who have children, spouses, and/or pets. You can’t think about how you are going to take care of those you love if you can’t take care of yourself. If you need it, get help. If you need to talk things out, find someone to do so. If you just need an ear to listen either seek professional help or a good friend who will be your “shoulder to cry on”. If you are thinking of harming yourself or others, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, I beg you, get the help you need. There are MANY resources out there. Don’t be afraid to use them. That is what they are there for. I may be starting to go to a support group myself. I feel ready to not talk about it, but know I am not alone in the process. I also found a group nearby, and am just waiting to get a car to be able to go. I may see if a friend can go with, although many of them are quite busy. I will see. It is the next step in my healing process.
Feel free to message me or leave a comment if you have ANY questions or are in need of someone to talk to. Know that I may know what you are going through.