A short introduction: So I have had many ideas written down in my notebook. One of them was a letter to the deceased. I encourage many to do it. It will help. It will help you get all the emotions out. My letter was written two days after he passed away and now I am ready to share this VERY hard for me to share, I was told this “journal” was for me to write stuff down in, but for some reason I felt compelled to share bits and pieces of it to all of you. It is VERY emotional, and coming from someone so deep in a heartbreak, it is even hard for me to type it up. So here it goes.
My Dearest Adam,
Why? That is all I ask. Why? You knew you could talk to me. Tell me you needed help, that you wanted more help. We had plans, we had “kids” (our guinea pigs) together. I am mad at you, but I am not mad at you. I know you are now at peace, but now I am not. I’ll never see your beautiful face EVER again. I will never see it age, as we grow old together. I’ll never see your beautiful smile, I;ll never feel your hugs or kisses. I;ll never be able to snuggle you or touch you. Or tell you that you are driving me nuts, but I love you anyway. I will never be able to fight with you and then make up again. To just tell you that I love you more than anything.
You were good for me. You saved my life more than once. Many believed you were not the one for me, but I knew better. I knew in my heart. You were the one. You were my love, my soul, my heart, and my home. I always bragged to others about you. You were ALWAYS in my head. You were always in my heart. You helped me find my passion in life. You even helped me find me, but now I just feel lost. I feel so lost without you helping to guide me.
Remember when you saved me? If you didn’t insist I go in and get my gall bladder removed? If it wasn’t for you being more stubborn than me, it would have burst. If you didn’t “drag” me to the Springs, I wouldn’t have had my thyroid diagnosed, and it would have ended up strangling me to death. It would have gone undetected, and the cancer could have gotten worse.
I would have NEVER found my love of being in the pharmacy if it wasn’t for you, again being more stubborn than me and insisting I take that job in the pharmacy.
I am stuck in a new place where I do not know whether or not I can move forward, not only emotionally, but also physically. I lost you and I don’t know how to handle it.
I lost my ambition, I lost my passion. It all died when you did. My heart died when you died.
Why did you do it in front of me? All I keep doing is replaying it over and over again. I don’t remember anything that day before you pulled the trigger or after they told me you were gone. It is all in bits and pieces. It is all too hazy to remember. ***** told me there were moments that I was actually barely breathing.
I want to die, but can’t. I have to think of my family, I have to think of our girls (the guinea pigs). How could you do this to them? Jenny already lost her sister this year, how could you make her lose you too???
You hurt my family. You hurt your family and friends, but I can’t stay mad at you. I know how bad you were feeling. I know how hard you were dealing with those demons. I just wish I could have taken them away for you! If only we could trade places. You had hurt so many people.
I keep hearing the bang in my head. I feel claustrophobic I can’t be outside, and yet I can’t be inside. It is all too uncomfortable, knowing that I will NEVER have you EVER again!!!
Where are you? Where are you???
You killing yourself wasn’t the answer. It wasn’t what I needed you to do. I needed you to tell me you needed help. You needed to talk to me. I know it didn’t seem like you could, but that is why I was there. I loved you NO MATTER WHAT, demons and all. If you weren’t good for me, I wouldn’t have moved with you. I would have said good-bye then and there. Me moving with you was me saying that I am in the long haul with you, in sickness and health. We didn’t make the vows, we didn’t get married, but I felt in my heart that we were, that is why I didn’t insist on you marrying me. I knew we had forever, but forever didn’t last that long.
I am panicking about going back with my family, yet I am also panicking about staying here. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what I am supposed to do. So many memories here, but if I leave, I don’t have that much there of you. There seems to be so many more memories packed in the two years in the Springs than in Minnesota.
Remember our road trips? The ones to and from Minnesota to Colorado? The one to and from California? Remember the good times we had?
I am mad, but I am not. I am mad because I can’t have you anymore, but I am not mad because I know you are better off. You aren’t in pain, you aren’t feeling the overwhelming emotions. The demons aren’t plaguing you anymore.
I am afraid I will never love again. I am afraid my heart is going to turn to stone. You were my true love my soul mate. And I don’t think there will EVER be another out there for me.
I will NEVER forget our dreams, our love and our memories. They will forever be ingrained in my heart, but I am now afraid to use the word forever, as the last time I used that word, forever didn’t last very long.