You all know this post was bound to be here someday. It was just a matter of time for when I would FINALLY talk about this dreaded topic. I am still not ready to quite move forward. I am trying. I am doing the best that I can. I now have a car, and a job. My non profit is slowly flourishing, starting a new business with my mom, and things are slowly being put back into place. But there is something missing. Something just isn’t quite right. I wish I could say I could put a finger on it, but that would be a flat out lie. I know exactly what it is. He isn’t here to share in the steps of moving on with me. You may say that he is here in my heart, but I feel as if he is gone forever. I don’t feel him in my heart anymore. I don’t feel him with me. Maybe it is because I am trying so hard to have him here. Who knows.
Moving on is hard to do, but it is something that has to be done. You can’t keep yourself stuck in the past because then you will lose your future also. If you are anything like me, you hide the emotions. You pull them inside until nightfall when you feel no one can see and you let your tears flow. They flow and flow until you have no more tears to cry, no more feelings to feel. You get to the point of not wanting to do anything, but sit there and see how things are going, and HOPE that things will get better, that this pain will cease to exist. You feel as if the pain will never end. Even when others tell you that it will go away. I hate to say it, but it is all lies. You will always feel this pain in one way or another. Yes, the intensity may lesson, but it will always be there. It is your choice on whether or not you let it consume your heart forever. I’m learning this the hard way. I am learning slowly that the best thing I can do for myself is not let this pain and grief run my life. If I do, I may as well say good-bye to my hopes and dreams.
Moving forward is hard because you have to reshape your future. What your plans used to be are now having to be different because there is one less person in that picture.
How do you move forward? How do you move on from such a heart ache? There is no straight answer to this question. Just like in the grieving process, it all depends on the person. How long does it take? It depends. These answers may get you frustrated, but what you need to remember that everyone grieves in different ways. They take their own time. That is what makes us each different. We all do things in our own way and our own time. Sometimes things are so embedded into our hearts that we will never heal, but one day you will look at your heart and wonder, when did it get stitched together again? Where did those scars come from? They came from you moving forward and doing what is best for you and your heart. Never let anyone tell you that you have a timeline to move forward. If you want to push yourself to do it by what the clinicians and researchers say, that is fine, but don’t push yourself to fit the mold. Make yourself feel better in your time, not theirs.
Now don’t confuse the “take your time” motto to literally. You still have to live life. Slowly start with the little things. Like going to places you used to go to together. Slowly start remembering certain things about that person. Slowly, take that ring off, slowly put it away. Do it in your time, but don’t stop living. If you do, you will be stuck in a depression for the rest of your life because you will then have many regrets.
How am I helping myself to move forward? I am doing it slowly. I have a job, which I start in a couple days, slowly finding doctors to go get things checked out and back on track. I took our rings off a couple weeks ago. It was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do, but yet, I did it. I have a friend making a guitar string ring to help substitute the feeling of nakedness. The thing that has helped the most is writing. Writing these things down helps me to remember how far I have come. How far I have to go.
This isn’t a one step process, it is a multiple step process. One that can take days, months, years, to overcome. Some never do. Let yourself be who you are, and don’t let the textbooks rule exactly how you need to heal. Let your body and mind decide that. You are an unique individual and shouldn’t let others tell you what you should do. Now this doesn’t mean go out and do reckless things and get hurt or hurt yourself in anyway. It means, take things one step at a time. One foot in front of the other.
This is the motto I am going to carry with me for the rest of my life: One foot in front of the other.