Life in General: All the Hard Things People Won’t Tell Yoou
I know I haven’t written in a while, and I do have a fairly good reason why. I believe I had written last about having a job interview and I got the job. I had orientation last week, and my “first day” last Saturday doing CBL’s (Computer Based Learning). Normally they give 3 days to finish these tests, but I finished them in 1 and a half days. GOOD. So I started in the bakery on Tuesday. That was a long five hours. I am slowly getting myself used to this. I have my next day tomorrow. I am excited as I am hopefully getting further into my actual job than just learning the bakery.
There are many things that people will not tell you about live, or grieving, or losing someone so special to you. Like when you remember something special it is like a dagger straight to the heart. It is a wound so large, that it is like rubbing salt in it. They won’t tell you that the hurt can last a LONG time. They just give you generals. They never give you specifics. Why is this? It is because grieving is like a persons personality or the way medication may affect a person. It is different from person to person. Not one person is alike, I remember not to long ago when I used to cherish that subtle difference in people. Now, I just don’t know. How am I supposed to go through this road? When no one else has traveled MY path? The answer is simple. Take what other people have learned and see what fits into place. Like a puzzle. It is funny because I remember ALWAYS liking doing puzzles, and now my life has turned into one. You know the ones that have all the weird edges, the really difficult ones. Why is that so? Why does my life have to be so difficult? Yes, I am asking all these questions again after having a night of no sleep and needing to be up at 5 am when it is after 11 pm. I realize I need my sleep, but I can’t seem to turn my brain off.
People won’t tell you many things. It makes it harder, and when they do tell you something and, yet, it doesn’t fit, you wonder why they told you. Its that darned puzzle thing again. That little tidbit of information that they give you has to fit somewhere, but, unlike a puzzle, you can trim the sides just right to make it fit who you are and who you want to be. You can’t form your life around what others tell you is the “norm”. There is no such thing as normal and normal is hella boring, but I don’t want a life where I am constantly guessing what mood I am going to be in or what is going to set off the panic attacks and crying sprees. I am done with those. I want my life back. I want me back. I want him back. I am going to say something that many places suggest NOT to say to someone in my (our) situation. It is NOT going to happen. You are not going to get them back, life is not going to be the same, and you are not going to be the same person you once were. You may be better, stronger, or you just may not be who you want to be. What can we do about it? Get over it. It may seem difficult, and I am not meaning move on, forget about it and just deal. I am saying, find what fits for YOU, and move to a point where you are comfortable, and then in a couple months, look back. Are you happy with what you accomplished? Are you happy with what you have done with your life? With yourself? If not, then re-evaluate yourself. Give yourself the time you need to heal, and find what makes you happy again. Grief is not something to mess with. Neither is depression. Get the help you need, find what works for you. If someone doesn’t like how you are handling it, they can go to hell. It is none of their business on how you seek help (as long as you are NOT hurting yourself). Life is difficult, life is strange. We are all dealt a certain deck of cards, and they are played so closely to our chest that we don’t know what will come next. All we can do is deal with what we get and hope for the best. Try our hardest to succeed and hope that we don’t have to face the evil monster called grief.
I have the unfortunate event of having to deal with this monster, but also deal with a mental illness, which makes things a tad harder. I have bi-polar. Yes, it is a little better managed than it used to be, but grief doesn’t help. I used to have MANY MANY MANY more manic ups than I did downs, but now, it seems like those ups have completely disappeared. They are now “faked” because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I don’t want them to know just how bad I am hurting on the inside. I don’t want to “burden” them with how I am feeling. I don’t want to show my feelings. When I wore my heart on my sleeve, I got hurt. More than anyone will know. This is when I go back to that dagger. The one that keeps getting shoved into my heart repeatedly and just doesn’t seem to stop. Many know what I am talking about. Its that dagger that just will NOT go away. The pain that you feel after losing someone so special and they worked their way so far into your heart when you thought no one could. The one person that made you feel special, made you feel whole, even if you had your issues, even if your family and friends that you weren’t right for each other. That is how Adam always made me feel. He will always have that place in my heart, where no one else will ever be able to fill. There is a HUGE hole in my heart. I fear that it is going to be there for eternity. These are the thoughts I go through continually. They are never ending. I always wonder what would happen if I found love again. Or if I found someone who could fill that void. Would things be different? Or was Adam my one and only soulmate? Was he the only one for me? I half want to be with someone, but I half want to never be with someone again. My own grief is turning my heart to stone when it comes to opening up my heart to anyone new. Why should I? Will there be some sign that will show me that I can finally open my heart enough to not hurt anymore? When the mere memory of just a story Adam told me makes me crumple to the floor to the point of wheeping so hard my head hurts? I thought I was done crying, I thought I cried all the tears, but that is something grief teaches you, is that you will always have tears to cry. They will NEVER go away. You may think the tears are gone, but your body will always find more. Somewhere in there they will find them. I am nearing my first “BIG” holiday (Valentine’s day doesn’t count) without him. Easter will be hard. I guess it is a good thing I am working. St. Patrick’s Day was another hard one for me. I remember the last two years I had made him his “special” dinner. Never failed. Every year we were together for St. Patrick’s day he would want corned beef and cabbage. Every year, I asked, not because I needed to know, but to get that tell tale answer with the HUGE grin. “What do you think I want for St. Patty’s day?” I remember going to a little pub our last St. Patty’s day living in Minnesota. Rochester is going to be the HARDEST place to go, but it is on my to do list to accomplish this month. After my next check (in two weeks), I am going to see if I can enlist a friend or two to drive down there with me to meet up with another friend and go to a few places. I am going to have the hardest time that day. That is the main area we lived when in Minnesota. I am freaking out just thinking about it. I think it is hard because we had our hardest times here in Minnesota and that was the area we had our hardest time. I am seriously shaking just thinking about it. I am bawling. Yes, like a big baby. That is the funny thing about me though. Usually you put an obstacle in front of me and I try my hardest, I do whatever I have to do to conquer that obstacle. Why? I was taught some valuable lessons by my wonderful mother and grandmother! Those two ladies are my heroes. They taught me that no matter what I am a strong person and I can do whatever I set my mind to. So in saying that, I want you to read the next paragraph or two and accept my challenge.
Here is my challenge to you: Find something that you have been putting off because you think it would be too difficult to conquer. Heck, write them all down and conquer them all or one at a time. See what you can do. You will be amazed what you can accomplish if you really tried. Look at me, I now have a car, a new job, going to school, and working on moving back to Colorado. And I am conquering fears everyday. I am conquering a REALLY hard fear this month, visiting one our main areas that we used to live in. I am afraid to do it as I do not know whether or not it is going to cripple my faith in trying to be independent and strong. I don’t think my strength really exists, I think it is just for show. As I am falling apart on the inside it feels like sometimes. I will not know until I tried. I am going to go into this thinking about how Adam would NOT want me to pull into my shell and he wouldn’t want me to stop living life. And I think going to Rochester is one step further in conquering that goal. In pushing that obstacle aside. If I can conquer that obstacle, then I can MOST DEFINITELY conquer moving back to Colorado where all our memories are more fresh in my mind. It is going to be hard, it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but it is something I have set my mind out to do and I am going to do it. Wish me luck. And I know you can do it too. You have already done the first step by trying to move forward and doing everything you can to learn about your own grief. You can do it.
Remember something important:
You can do whatever you set your mind to.
No matter how difficult.
You can do it.
Don’t let others tell you differently
Don’t talk down to yourself.
Raise your spirits up.
Tell yourself you can
Because I know you can.