Trickery – How Our Minds Cope
I know I have a previous post on this, but there is more to the story of what our minds do when we lose someone close to us. We tend to trick ourselves into thinking what we want to be true, when in fact it isn’t. It is a simple mind trick. Many times we don’t realize we do it. It is amazing to know that our minds are so powerful that we can do this. Trick ourselves into thinking one thing, when it isn’t reality.
Everyone knows that I started working again. My hours are crazy and erratic sort of. Making sleep kinda difficult on some nights. Not to mention I am so sore from being on my feet for so long, but that is not what I am trying to get at. What I am saying is that tonight, like many nights, I am having issues sleeping. I woke up earlier than I truly want to. Why? Just can’t sleep.
I got a new phone and being I can’t sleep I figured I would play around with it to get it set up more. You know how many people are. They get a new gadget and they just want to play around with it all day. Well, that is what I was like. So as my phone charges some more so that I have a full charge on it for work, I decided I needed to write this post because I have been “tricking” myself quite often lately.
You know when you lose someone close to you, you can’t imagine life without them, or you can’t seem to grasp the fact that they will no longer be in your life, but that is what it is. They won’t be there anymore except for your memories and where they hold a special space in your heart.
On this night, like so many others, I seem to be sitting here thinking, it isn’t real, it didn’t happen, it is all a dream. Yea, I wish. Right? Wishful thinking can only get people so far.
So, what is my mind thinking? That Adam can’t be gone. That it is a cruel, cruel joke. Now many people had told me when we first started dating that they didn’t care for him. They didn’t like “something” about him, but they couldn’t pinpoint what it was. I didn’t care. I fell for him. I could imagine myself with him for life. I could see myself being with him. Now, I seem to be stuck in limbo because what happens now? We had planned our lives together. We had planned so many things and had so much banking on us being together. Does this mean that when you get in a relationship and are together for a while that you shouldn’t plan things? That isn’t a way to live, but then what do you do when the worst thing you could think of happens? Yes, I seem to be on the question train right now, but that is where my brain is sitting at right now. Why? Why was this to happen? Wasn’t he supposed to be with me forever? Isn’t that what we planned? Then it goes to, why did God allow this to happen? Am I mad at God? No, I am mad at the fact that I had my love and now he is gone. My brain tends to take this fact hard because it keeps telling me that this isn’t real and this isn’t truly happening. Then I remember it did happen and I do have to deal with it and the proverbial knife gets pushed into my heart a little further. Does this mean that I am not dealing with it? I guess I may be putting it aside in my mind because I can’t seem to wrap my head around what truly happened. Why do things happen this way? Is there a certain reason?
Why did this happen? I heard from a friend after everything had happened. She was wondering if I could make her a quilt for her in remembrance of a baby she had lost due to a miscarriage. What do you know, she lost the baby on Christmas Eve. Now, many know I am not “into” signs or things like that. I do believe things happen for a reason. Maybe Adam’s death had a purpose. Who knows.
I have a few theories on this.
One: That he was supposed to take this special baby angel to heaven.
Two: I do believe in spirits and ghosts. I know they are there somehow, and I know that we may not always be able to see or hear them, but they are there. One of my friends in Colorado feels him at her place quite often. She has been having issues with many things. One of those things is the bed bugs. Their issue didn’t get so bad until after Adam died. I believe that Adam is trying to get her to see that she needs to move. We were talking one night and we were going over everything. Many things that have happened had been signs that they needed to move. Then Adam started “hanging” around. He started misplacing her keys. No, we have gone over all the things to see if she was doing it and she isn’t and neither is her kids. Her husband even saw her put her keys somewhere and the next morning they were moved. Her kids couldn’t reach where they were. Her daughter has even felt Adam there. I feel it is another purpose for him in the after life.
Three: God decided that he deserved a better life and decided to have him reborn to someone else. To help him have a better life than he originally had.
Are any of these ideas true? No. Do they make me feel better? Not really. Not many realize just how much our lives have intertwined in the five and a half years we were together. They don’t seem to realize just how much I loved him and just how much this hurts me. To have lost the love of my life so suddenly. Without warning, without a chance to say good-bye.
Maybe that is what is making this so hard to take. Would it have been easier if he was dying of some disease and not killed himself because I would have had the chance to say good-bye? Would it be better if I dropped everything again and just moved? I hate all these questions and tricks rolling around in my head. It confuses me to the point where I just shake my head and put it aside yet again. Till another night when sleep never comes or sleep barely happens. How do we cope with these things?
I cope by writing them down or talk to someone. When it is 6 AM it is hard to talk to someone, so the next best thing. Talking to everyone in a post. Maybe someone will hear, maybe someone will have answers. I hate not knowing what would have happened, where we would be and would things be better. I’m tired of the questions, I am tired of no answers, I am just plain tired. I can’t seem to put two and two together and my mind is so occupied I am having issues being able to concentrate on anything. Mostly having issues concentrating on things for work and school. My mind is so occupied and filled with so much that I just don’t know what to do. Do you have an answer? Why is this so hard? Why does the mind play tricks? Is it a way of coping? If it is, then why does it make it hurt more and more? All these questions and no answers. I just wish I could turn back time and try to help him more.
Many people ask me these two main questions:
“Are you mad at him? Have you forgiven him?”
The thing is, I was never really mad at him. I don’t think I could ever be mad. I am mad at the situation it put me in, but I am not mad at him. I know he is no longer in pain. I miss him dearly. I am more mad at myself. I feel guilty. I feel as if I didn’t do enough to protect him from his demons. I feel as if I could have done more. I am mad at ME. Not him. He was in so much pain, no one truly knew just how much pain. How do I forgive myself? How do I forgive myself for not being there more? How do I forgive myself for not helping him more? The guilt seems to overwhelm me. I feel its selfish to feel guilt. Supposedly it is a part of the dreaded “grieving process”. That is one phrase I am TIRED of hearing. The “grieving process”. I just want to throw it out the window. Not everyone grieves in the same way. Not everyone think the same. So, why do they put it all textbook like and then say that this is the steps and this is what will happen, when not everyone experiences things like this? It is not textbook like, it is not all nice and neat like they say. It is a hard, messy, grueling process that can’t be put step by step. This isn’t AA after all.
I feel the steps to grieving should be this:
1. Yell, Scream, Let it out. Don’t hold it in to the point of no return.
2. You’ll feel sadness, and moments of happiness. Sometimes even guilt, but most of all you will feel however your brain wants you to feel. Don’t be alarmed as these moments of feelings will come and go at any rate. Just be ready and know what is happening is normal.
3. You aren’t alone. Remember there are others who have experienced death. They can help.
4. Get it out. Talk with someone, write it out, either in a journal, on a blog, on your hand. Even if it is just one word, or THOUSANDS of words.
5. Throw all these steps out the window and go with what your mind is telling you (minus hurting yourself, if you feel as if you are going to hurt yourself, please seek help!!! That is a CRUCIAL STEP!!)
Grief doesn’t play by the rule books, so why should we? Why should we play by what the “professionals” view what is going to happen? They haven’t studied EVERYONE in the world, so how can they say that this is exactly what happens?
I have to say number 5 is my favorite. Why? My motto has been go with the flow the last few months. I don’t know where life is taking me. I don’t know where I am going. I do know that I am going to finish school and become a pharmacist. Why? Because I know Adam wouldn’t want me to give up. NEVER EVER GIVE UP! I’m throwing the “rule book” out the window. I am doing this my way. If you don’t like it, then you weren’t truly a friend. I am going to find my way in the world. I am going to accomplish things that Adam and I had dreamed together. I am going to finish school, by land outside of Colorado Springs, I am going to own my own pharmacy, I am going to have a kid, and when my kid grows up, I am going to become a foster parent and help the teenagers that are in the system. Can I help them all? No, but it all starts with one person. I am going to help foster the kids that other people don’t want to foster. I want to help the kids not have 6 different homes in a year and hope that they don’t “age out of the system”. I want to show them that they are cared for. I am also going to get my non profit going. He helped me so much to shape what it is and what I want it to one day be. I owe a lot to Adam. I owe him my life. I gave him my heart. He still has a piece of it. That will never change.
I love you Adam, and that will never go away! You were always and you will always be my love. I just hope that you can feel that love in heaven. You are my angel. I just hope I can make you proud.
I LOVE YOU!!