Misery Loves Company
Everyone knows this saying quite well. Misery sure does love that company. This phrase can have many meanings to many people. My misery loves to wallow in panic attacks, flashbacks, depression, and many other things. It doesn’t want to cooperate with me. I thought I was ready to go back to work, but maybe I jumped into it too fast. It was three months after the fact, but it seems that my job is causing more issues with me mentally than it is almost worth. I don’t want to be in the area I am in. I just don’t know what to do. This will lead into what I have posted previously. Avoidance. Misery loves this one the most. You tend to be so miserable that you avoid things you used to love doing or you avoid things that you and your loved one used to do.
I am avoiding the panic attacks to only have them find me. Imagine me hiding behind a tree where I am playing hide and seek with it. That is what it feels like.
I am miserable. Plain and simple. Yet, I feel as if I have no one to talk to, but I do. It is a fact that I am having a hard time talking about the “issues”. Yet, I am told that in order to get past them I have to talk about them. Well, now I am conflicted.
I have concluded I am not strong, I am just trying to move forward and get things done. It is not strength you see, what you see is someone who is struggling on the inside, but refuses to show others what is going on. I can’t show others what is going on in my head. I fear they will think I am crazy or wacko. So what should I do? Do I tell the world how I feel or continue to cry on the pillow?? Do I scream it at the top of my lungs? For me, I tend to hold it all in until it is too much until I just cry and cry and cry. Is this the right thing to do? probably not, but it tends to sometimes work for me. Is it the right thing to do for everyone? That I cannot say for sure. Each person is different. Each person has their own way of dealing with grief and their own way of dealing with death.
The grieving process is always different in each individual for a few different reasons. Not everyone is the same. For instance, say that a doctor has two different patients. They both have high blood pressure. Is he going to treat them with the same medication? That depends. They may both go on the same medication, but for one of these patients the medication simply doesn’t do it, even if they put the patient on the higher dose. Now why did it not work for the one patient, but it did work for the other? That is a simple thing to answer. Each person will react differently to certain things. Why is this? Not everyone’s brain/body chemistry is the same. Now why is grief different for each person? It all depends on the person because it depends on how close they were to the person who died, but also it all depends on how they handle grief.
I was reading a book recently that talked about how different people learn. You have the class clown, the angry person, and the person who is scared and needs a gentle hand. All three of these types of people are doing these things because they are frustrated or scared. They all need something different. The class clown needs someone to joke around with them, ease them into it. The angry person needs someone who understands it and deal with it. The scared shy person needs someone with a gentle hand to show them the way. Grief is the same way. Some act out angrily, some act out like dare devils, and many other types of people who just need their own way to deal with grief, not what is “by the book”. No one is EVER by the book. And no one should be treated like they are all the same. Treated equal, yes, treated like there is, absolutely, no difference in them mentally, no. Each person’s brain is different. Each person’s reaction is going to be different. So don’t let someone force you to fit into a mold that you just plainly do not fit into. Find a way to help yourself. Find a way to fit into your own mold. Find what works best for you. Keep in mind though that this does not mean to cause harm to yourself or others. Some people find that working out helps them, others find that taking a kickboxing class helps, others take the laid back approach. Things will happen in their own time for their own reason. Take it with time and move forward the best way you can. Remember, there are others out there who DO know how you feel. You are NOT in this alone!