Rough Waters Ahead….
It has been quite a tough week for me. Between panic attacks, flashbacks, and just plain missing Adam. I feel as if I am suffocating. The strange thing is, I can write about it here, but I can’t seem to bring myself to talk about it to anyone. Why is that? Isn’t this more “public”, more “open” than talking to one person about it? Or even just going to a support group? Who knows. Maybe it is because it is not like I am actually talking to someone, but to a computer screen, and you all just happen to read it. I am going to try to work more on my book today. We will see what comes of this. Hope something good happens with it! I am now brainstorming on what to keep writing about to make it to the big 300 blog post. I just don’t know what I am going to write. My inspiration comes from how I am feeling each and everyday. So, like today, I am feeling quite down. I have been crying. I was okay, then just WHAM, it hits me.
I don’t know if things are harder on me now because I happen to be constantly working it seems. I am so exhausted that I can’t hold the barrier that I built up? Things just seem to be so much harder to hold together now that I can’t seem to be able to hold it together. I feel sick, I feel claustrophobic I feel as if I am falling apart. I am not strong, as many say. I am just simply tired. Tired of being sad, tired of grieving, tired of crying. I am just tired of being tired. Many will notice things like this as they go through what is normally called the “process”. I cannot say enough just how much my grief may be different from others. Everyone handles these things differently. I prefer to just crawl under my blankets and never leave. Just snuggle the warmth. I have sank into a depression so deep, and many don’t realize it because I have gotten so good at hiding it. I don’t enjoy things that I used to. I do them because I feel that is all I have left, but I don’t enjoy them. Some nights I can barely snuggle with my guinea pigs because they remind me so much of him. I can’t seem to get my emotions under control anymore. I feel it is because I am now stressed with work. Was it too soon to go back? Was it too soon to try to get back up on my feet? Did I need to give myself more time? I don’t know the answers to these questions, and I don’t expect you too either. You just have to follow your heart. Keep moving forward and eventually you will end up exactly where you need to be. It all just depends on how you need to move forward. Don’t be afraid to go back to work/school. Don’t be afraid to start living again. If you feel you are having a hard time with it, like me, take it one day at a time. That is what I am trying to do.
Life is difficult. Some of us just learn the hard way.
Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I am falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the person I am…Isn’t me. ~Author Unkown