As I sit here and Spring has finally sprung, I smell the burning leaves and the grills going. This makes it so hard on me because I remember going through the fire last year. Granted, I didn’t lose anything in the fire, but it still impacted Adam and I. I wouldn’t have met some of the coolest people in the world. Allisa, you rock!
Back to the topic at hand though. I remember going through the fire. I remember living in the apartment that we just LOVED. We didn’t want to move, but we had to move due to a slumlord. This landlord had bought out the property mid lease, so we fell in love with the apartment before he took over. It was a 500 sq foot studio apartment that we were paying $525 a month for. We did NOT want to move. I am making this clear for one reason. I feel if we had not moved, then I feel that Adam would still be alive. I believe that the move was the “downfall” to his disorders. I feel if we had not moved that things would have been fine. I cannot play the what-if game. As it only makes things worse.
Adam helped me through the anxiety of the fire. I used to love the smell of burning leaves (controlled fires) and the smell of a grill going, but now, it only causes heartbreak because it brings me back to a time when him and I were on a united front and fighting all the stuff that was put in our way. I can’t believe he was ripped from my arms so soon. So suddenly. There were no good-byes. There were no “warnings”. Not like if someone died due to a condition. I am not saying that that kind of grieving is any easier. I am in NO WAY saying that ANY kind of grieving is easy. I am just stating how I feel in my heart. I feel as if there was no closure because I was unable to say good-bye. I was unable to tell him one last time that I loved him. I still can’t believe to this day that this has happened. My brain keeps playing tricks on me. I will fall asleep and wake up in the morning confused as to why I do not hear him snoring next to me and why I am not waking up in “our apartment”. Then it hits me all over again. Causing my heart to be ripped apart even more. It is as if I am reliving the grief every morning. I am feeling that week over and over again. The fear of going outside. IF I go outside I will see I am not in Colorado Springs, making it that much more worse because it reminds me that he is no longer in my life.
Grief is a funny thing. Grief is overwhelming and can be VERY VERY VERY disturbing. It has its ups and downs. It is a messy part of life. It is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. I don’t know how I am surviving. I feel as if I am hanging on by a thread. This thread is about to break. Take a look at a SINGLE strand of hair, that is how small this thread is. It is barely there and I feel as if I am going to fall of that cliff at any moment. This cliff has a bottomless black hole. There are many times I feel as if I am lost in space and just floating there. Not making any headway or any progress on ANYTHING. I feel as if I am not moving forward any. I am stuck in this place of grief that just is never ending. I feel as if I am going to die with a blackened heart. A heart that was quite possibly burned in that fire.
Spring has many memories that I am having a hard time getting through. I remember at this time last year we were shopping for plants because we were going to do some planting. I remember helping him find these plants and such. I remember him helping me with what he could in math. He was trying to help me keep calm when I got so frustrated that I just wanted to scream. I took so much for granted when he was alive. I feel so bad all the time. I feel as if I should have told him I loved him more. Told him I appreciated him more. If I did this, would things be different??? I just remember being stressed ALL THE TIME. Again this is a what-if game that I should not, cannot play.
Grief, is not someones friend. You don’t want it to be your friend. You don’t want to have to go through it. I have been through a LOT of grief in the last year. I feel as if it just may crush me. I do not know if I could take another blow. I do not know if I can take another hit to my heart. I may not survive it.
Do not forget to reach out. I am learning the hard way. I think it was easier to “manage” my grief when I wasn’t working because I wasn’t so exhausted because I would actually get some sleep. Now I am so exhausted from work, even sleeping a normal amount of time I can’t seem to get my “emotions” under control. I hate feeling like this, but there isn’t much I can do. I can’t change the past. I can’t go back in time and change things. No matter how much I wish upon that star, it will not bring him back.
I miss you Adam. I always will. I loved you before and I love you still. Nothing, not even death, will change that. We may not have been married, we may not have said our “vows”, but I made a promise to you and you made a promise to me. Death will not change how I feel about you. I loved you at your worst, I loved you at your best. Nothing you could have done would have changed the way I loved you. We may have fought, we may have argued, we may have “split up” for a bit, but I still loved you. I loved you when your disorders took the best of you. I loved then, and I always will.