May 12th, 2013
My Dearest Adam,
I went to Crystal Lake Beach today.I didn’t go to try to achieve peace, but that is what ended up happening. I just went to take pictures of the sunset. But something about that night watching the sunset brought out an inner peace. A peace that I have not felt for a very long time. It was calming sitting there watching the sunset, listening to the waves. I got some awesome pictures.
I know you were there with me. I felt you. It was the first time I have actually felt you since you have been gone. I felt your arms around me and I could feel your heartbeat. It reminded me of our first date. While we sat and talked, you had put your hand over my heart. I had wondered what you were doing, but then you said that you just wanted to feel my heartbeat. That you wanted to be close to my heart. It was the sweetest thing that I had ever heard. I fell in love with you in that instant. I fell in love with your laugh, your jokes, your smarts, your everything. I loved you from that moment on and always will love you. I never regretted being with you. I never regretted showing you my heart. What I regret is that your time got cut short. I feel as if we should have had more time together. Something else I regret is not telling you more often that I loved you or that I was sorry for an argument we had. I can’t live my life with regrets. I can’t focus on it. I know my new motto even though it will be hard to live by. I have to learn how to. It doesn’t mean to forget, it just means to never look back and regret things, to never let it get me down.
My bird tattoo I am getting for myself when I go back to Colorado is going to say Never Look Back. It’s wings are going to be as if it is in flight. It is to symbolize how much I have grown and that I am moving on in my life. Even though it doesn’t seem as if I am, I am.
I cherish your memorial tattoo. I took the saying that I had found somewhere else. NEGU. Never Ever Give Up. I know you’d be saying this to me. You never wanted me to give u. You were an inspiration to me. You always believed in me.
I still can’t believe you’re gone. My mind still plays these nasty tricks on me. It keeps telling me that you are here, when in fact you are not. I look at a picture of you and I cry because I remember I will never be able to look into your lovely blue eyes again. I will never be able to see you smile at something I did that was either stupid or just plain funny. I will never be able to hear you laugh, I will never be able to hear you tell me you love me. I miss you so much.
Never Ever Give Up, and Never Look Back. Life has many different facets, we are just barely learning what they may be.
LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER.