Life Altering Memories
I am sitting here and seeing all the news about the fires raging through Colorado. It brings back memories. Good and bad. The good: I met quite a few amazing people due to the fire. The bad: I met a few bad people and the fires wrecked havoc on the city of Colorado Springs.
Right now, I should be in bed, sleeping, but unfortunately am having issues with sleeping as I remember all the times of last summer. It saddens me because I don’t have my rock here anymore. I don’t have my encouragement to move forward.
We had gone through the fire together last year. We did it. He was my brave. He was my strength. When I freaked out, he told me that we would be fine. He was right. That is until we moved that fall. That is when things weren’t so “fine”.
I am sitting here, feeling helpless, as my “family” in Colorado is fighting this fight without me. All because I am fighting a different fight. A fight that has been ongoing and will, I fear, continue the rest of my life. What is this fight? It is called PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), or in other terms S.O.S. (Survivor of Suicide). I witnessed my fiance killing himself. Many have read my other blog posts, but for some reason I need to shed light on some things and voice my “opinion”, if that is what you want to call it.
I feel I should be in Colorado, with Adam, and my Colorado family, fighting these fires with them. Helping them to evacuate others, helping them to get help to people in need. I feel so helpless, but how can I feel helpless when I know that I would not be very good at “fighting” their fight, when I have my own to contend with? I am the ring, on whatever round it is, I lost count after round 1. Stressing over things that I never used to stress about. Stressing about things I shouldn’t have to stress about. Needing the comfort of my pillar of strength, but knowing he is no longer here. What am I to do? The memories are crippling me and yet, I can’t sleep. I feel faint, I feel lost, I feel out of control. I feel as if my body is not its own. How am I to help someone else when I feel like this? Yet, I feel as if I should be helping someone in Colorado. I’m in no way shape or form in any condition to be out there fighting that fire with them. I am in no condition mentally to have others lean on me as much as they need to, but I still feel helpless. What should I do? I am stressed, I am tired, I am exhausted. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I am drained. I can’t feel anymore without the pain being overwhelming. Without all these memories coming back and pushing me to the ground.
Many may not understand what I am talking about, but I know there are a few who do understand every word I just spoke. I can’t help but think that for some reason this was my purpose. To be put through this pain for some reason. I still don’t know the purpose, as I am still trying to straighten myself out. I wish I could catch a break. Not with the everyday life things, even though that would be nice, but emotionally. I need a break from all this pain, this pure torture. What I would do, just to have him back in my life again. To hold him, to tell him I love him, and to tell him that I can’t stand life without him. Now, I know what you are thinking, “Oh, you are one of those girls? The ones who surround their lives around a guy.” No, I loved him, we were together for almost 5 and a half years. We had been through so much crap together that we bonded. Now, you are wondering, why did he kill himself then. He was sick, not physically, but mentally. He suffered from many mental disorders, but that is not what the purpose of this entry. The purpose of this entry is to tell you how I feel in this exact moment of time. In this very second, where I feel as if I am spinning out of control. I feel as if I am not going to make this climb back to the top. Why does life throw these curve balls where it makes you fall apart, and then not know whether or not you will survive. That is where I am at right now. I am in survival mode. Something I shouldn’t have to think about.
Now, you are probably thinking, how selfish of you to think of yourself when others are having a much worse time at this very second. That is the problem. I am thinking of myself, but I am also thinking about them. I am thinking about how much I would LOVE to help them, but I am unable to because of the fact that mentally, I would not be able to do much. I would not be able to help bring them, their loved ones, and pets to safety because I would be having flashbacks, as I am having at this moment.
I SO want to be there in Colorado helping. I want to be in the frontlines making sure the firefighters have everything they need. I want to be there to make sure that they all are getting everything they need. Where to start? What can I do from afar?? I’ll do what I was able to do last year. Contact as many companies as possible to help people rebuild, work on Yarn for the Cause and hope that more people will be able to help more this year because last year as just one person I couldn’t help many. I have a leg up this year as I do have a small stock pile of things and I now have a TON of yarn. I will be working on things as much as possible and hope that I can get plenty of things done. Now what to make for these families I do not know as we still do not know the full extent of the damage as the fire is still roaring away. So, I will start with the firefighters. I will make rice bags (bags that can be either heated up or put in the freezer) to help with their aches and pains. Let the community rebuilding begin. Even if I am afar, I will be “home” soon and I can aide further in helping with these things that people are in desperate need of!
And always remember, that even though your life is spiraling out of control, you may just be able to help someone else in need.