Moving Forward is Not for the Faint of Heart
Things are difficult. That is life. NO one EVER said life would be easy. Grief is included in this. After the death of a loved one you tend to feel this hole where your past and future were at. Where they met. Where your hopes and dreams you had with that person just up and disappeared with the death of your loved one. Why does it do this? You tend to feel at a loss of what to do with your future.
Adam and I had always had the plan of having a couple kids, owning our own pharmacy, and having 40 acres outside of Colorado Springs. On this land we planned to put some houses on it and let friends and family live there for VERY limited pricing. Our “Mom and Pop” pharmacy was going to be run by us and I was going to be the managing pharmacist and the customer side and he was gonna handle the business side and the financial side. We had it all worked out. We even had been talking about getting “married”. Whether it be a commitment ceremony and reception. We didn’t care. We found no rush to do these things, but death cut all that short. Death made all that impossible. Correction. It made my life of what we were dreaming impossible. I can still eventually run my own pharmacy, I can eventually have my own land, and I can eventually be married. It all seems so daunting. We had these plans for a very long time. My future isn’t going to be the same, but I can still want the same things. I can still strive to do my best and try to achieve what I truly want in my life. Now to only trick my heart into thinking all this and all would be fine. To only fill this void in my heart where he used to be, and life can stop ceasing to exist, I can move forward. Again this is easier said than done.
There is such a thing as a new normal and an old normal. My old normal was Adam and I being together and loving being together. Even when we were having troubles in the relationship. We worked on it and moved forward. We struggled, but we loved each other enough to know that we were doing just fine. My new normal is something I have to get used to. He is here in my heart, but he is not here in the physical world. Walking me through things when I was having a bad day. Or giving me a hug when I needed it, but yet still didn’t want it. He knew what I needed before I even did. I took all of it for granted. Now, I am living with grief, sadness, and regret. I feel as if my world just plummeted into a black hole. It just disappeared. What I thought was meant to be, was just as simple as a chapter that was soon going to end, to just start a miserable chapter. I’m hoping that the hurt will fade, but I am told it will stay for awhile.
Grief is like being on the tea cup ride. It keeps spinning and spinning and spinning. Unlike the ride, the spinning doesn’t ever seem to stop. You are constantly dizzy. You are constantly dealing with trying to make sense of the blurry pictures passing you. Your feelings are all mixed up because you don’t know what to think of what is going on around you because it is a big jumble of colors. Others may not understand because they don’t realize that you are still in immense pain. Like the teacups, the others are just speeding by. All you want to do is yell and say, “STOP, I WANT OFF THIS RIDE!” The world is unfair though, and will not allow us to leave the ride.
The biggest part about grieving about a suicide are the questions that go through your mind on a daily basis. Why?
What was going through their head when they did it? What made them decide that NOW was the time? Were they thinking of us? Why didn’t they give us another chance? Why didn’t they reach out sooner? I don’t blame him for doing it. I know he is no longer in pain. Knowing that he is no longer suffering helps me through each day.
There is a stigma out there that if you listen to a person well enough and if they just talked things through, then their suicide would have been prevented. That is untrue. The reason why a suicide happens is because someone had a disorder/disease and their minds could not handle everything going on. They were “sick”. Not in the sense that they had cancer or anything like that, but they just weren’t able to handle things going on in their minds, such as hearing voices. Adam was hearing voices quite frequently before his death. It was a part of his mental disorder. The voices were telling him that people were out to get him and that people were doing things to him. Eventually these “demons” tend to overwhelm a person to the point that they are unable to handle it any longer.
Grief is a fickle thing. You try to make sense of something this tragic that has happened to you. You just do not know how to handle it and what to do. You don’t think you can move on and you don’t think that you can handle all this pain, but you do. You feel it is unfair that you have to go through this, or that ANYONE should have to go through it. That is quite true. You also tend to feel as if you will never get over this, but you will. Why? Because the way life is now a days, you have to. You have to move on and “get over it”. You can’t sit at a stand still for long you will end up in debt, end up quitting school, end up stopping your life from moving forward. It also isn’t helping yourself to keep yourself stuck in one spot. It is not HOW they died, but THAT THEY DIED.
Many times the first few months are the worst. Why? Because you tend to feel hopeless. You feel lost. You feel alone. For me I think this “step” has been postponed and prolonged because my shock from it all on top of the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I am a person who doesn’t allow myself to feel too much at one time. If I do I feel as if my life is just falling apart, like it is spinning out of control on the tea cup ride.
Life is unexpected. It is unpredictable. Live it to the fullest. Don’t take things for granted. In the end, if you follow these simple rules, you should be able to live life the way you want to live it and be happy. Don’t be afraid to feel, don’t be afraid to know that you are cared about, and don’t be afraid to show others that you love them and care about them deeply.