Anniversaries, Birthdays, and Holidays, Oh My!
I do have to say that last week was one hellish week of nerves, emotions, and every thing in between. I still don’t know how I made it through. By the end of the week I was so numb that I didn’t even realize that there was another big day in the same week as his death-aversary, and his birthday. On June 30th, it was also our 6 year anniversary. How strange that ALL these things all collided within ONE entire week. It got to the point that I just wanted to do nothing but sleep by the end of the week. Monday(July 1st) that is practically almost all I did. Tuesday I was finally ALMOST back to my “happy, giddy” self.
You can’t live your life like that though. I have come to realize this. You cannot crawl under the covers and avoid life. I did that for almost 3 FULL months. It did me no good. Yes, I went out, yes, I talked to people, but I was in a dark place. I was in this big black hole that just never disappeared. It still sort of haunts me to this day. It is just a matter of when it will be lifted. Probably won’t ever fully disappear, but that is something that I am going to have to live with and learn to deal with. depression is not something to play with. Depression is not something to laugh at. It is a serious thing. Now this post is not meant to fully talk about that, but to talk about what I had been dealing with for the last two weeks.
Life has a way of dragging you down, it is just a matter of what you do to bring yourself back up. Adam always taught me that. I knew that it didn’t matter what drug us back down as long as we were together we were fine. We were there together, us against the world. Us fighting life together. No, that’s not it. Us, living life, and winning at it. That’s it. We were playing the game of life and winning every second of it as long as we were together. There was no fight in it. We loved and cared for each other. What his love taught me is that no matter what everything was going to be just fine. He loved me and I loved him.
Others saw it. The love that is, they didn’t see our struggles. Yes, we had many. When I go through struggles now, I don’t know how I can keep moving on, but I know that he will never want me to give up (NEGU). That is exactly my reminder on my tattoo. I KNOW in my heart of hearts that he would be really mad at me if I gave up and didn’t keep on moving forward. So, here is is. I am moving forward. It is going to be hard, and I know that things will get a little “hairy”, but with the strength I know he will want me to have, I am going to live each and every day as if it is my last. I am going to live my life, with my broken heart. Show others who I truly am and not let others get me down. If they don’t like what they see, they can just leave me be. I am who I am for me and no one else.
For my last part of my post, Happy fourth of July to everyone out there.
Today is going to be difficult because I don’t know if I can handle the sound of the fireworks, but we will see what I can do. Just hope and deal with it straight on like he would want me to. Now here’s to me heading out there to watch the fireworks by myself for the first time in 6 years! I miss you Adam more than you will ever know! You will always be in my heart!!!