July 4th, 2013, Many Firsts Ahead
My fourth of July was a fun, sad, happy, strange day. How can one feel all of those in one day? Let alone all at once. It’s a tad overwhelming, and this is coming from the person who felt all this.
I decided to go out with my baby brother to watch Despicable Me 2. What a funny movie. We decided to hang out for a bit and we had quite a bit of fun. It was later that night when things took a turn to the sad. I decided that night I was going to go watch the fireworks, by myself. If you remember I am suffering from PTSD where the loud “bangs” are a trigger for me. So why on God’s Earth did I decide to do this?? I have to get over the fear eventually, right? I sure hope so. In a half hour, I went through two or three panic attacks, and quite a few flashbacks. All in all I was proud that I stayed till they were over. I even got quite a few pictures and a couple videos. I still don’t know how I did it, but I did. It is a milestone, a step forward. Am I past the fear of that noise, most definitely not, but I did it. I pulled through. It’s a sign that I just may be a tad tougher than I could have ever thought. I still don’t know how to move forward or how I am going to keep living other than living one day at a time and just keep doing what I’m doing. It’s all I can do right now. I was a victim. I am now a survivor. I am a survivor of suicide and I have PTSD, but that doesn’t define who I am. I define who I am and who I am going to be.