Life and Its Twists and Turns
Many of you have been following along on my road to who knows where. You have been following along on my journey through grief and trying to find myself again. That I have to say is the hard part. Life is the toughest when you had been with someone for 5 and a half years and you both had dreams together. We had thought of what we wanted together for our future. It is hard to come up with what you want by yourself when your partner has been torn from your arms. You always think, oh that will never happen to me. Yea, you never know.
Life has many twists and turns. You never know where it will lead you. Sometimes that could be a good thing. Others it just makes you a little leery of what may be up ahead. I am definitely guilty of that. I am a little skittish when it comes to what is to come. I know I am not alone in this feeling.
I hear people counting down to Christmas, but I just can’t seem to get myself up to wanting to be close to Christmas. No, it is not the holiday itself, but just the timing. I have a feeling that I will have a REALLY rough time with it. My memories are what are gonna kill me the most. All those times we were together, all those times we made it through the rough times.
This all brings me up to the point of…..what’s next? What do I do next? I have good days and bad days. It is getting to the point of having more good days than bad, but that is not always the case. It all depends. As many with grief will know, it all depends on your day to day life. I feel that after starting work sometimes it is much harder to keep myself in check and my emotions under control. Many will not see it, but when the sun goes down, my heart breaks all over again knowing that I will not be able to lay next to him in bed again. Knowing that I will never be able to wake up with him next to me. I miss everything, even when we had bad times. I miss it all. When we struggled, we struggled together. I feel as if I am now on my own. I feel as if I am taking on all the hardships all by myself. Part of it is my fault. As I am trying to get back on my feet and move forward and try to support myself and refuse some of the help that others reach out to me. When I refuse it is not because I am trying to be rude, it is me trying to find my own way. It is taking much longer than anticipated, but hopefully soon I will be somewhere.
In January, that is my deadline, I will be moving back to Colorado. When I left this past January I knew that I was going to be back. I knew that I HAD to be back. I miss the city. Now, is it because that my mind is playing tricks on me and telling me that if I go back he will be there? I do not know. The only way to find out is to go back and try it out. I have to finish school. I have to get back to my life. My life is no longer here in Minnesota. I just can’t see myself here anymore. This isn’t “home” anymore. My home used to be wherever Adam was. He was my home. I know that I still have some closure to get here in Minnesota. I am hoping to get that done within the next few months. I am going to see what is going on with school money and get things repaired on my car and then get everything moved down to Colorado. Where will I stay? What will I do? I am still unsure of all that. I am still unsure what is to become of me. All I truly know is that I am moving back to Colorado. I feel as if I had left my heart there, and I have to find out if I can do this. I know it will be difficult in more ways than one. Not only financially, but also emotionally. I think that having a least a year between the death of Adam and going back will hopefully help. Who knows. It may just be rubbing salt in the wound, but I have to see if I can make it. I know he will want me to do that.
I never knew that my life would twist and turn like this. Like a topsy turvy top turning and spinning to the point of just falling over. Or sitting on the tilt a whirl. Spinning faster and faster and faster, until everything around you turns into a blur of color. Unseeing, not recognizing, anything around you. When you finally stop, you are so dizzy you can’t seem to get your bearings and when you finally do, you find you prefer the non stop ride and find you are unable to just jump right back in. Grief in a strange way is very similar. I still have my moments where I would prefer to turn back time. I still play the what if game. The mind games still roam around my head. It will never stop no matter what I do. I know this is something I will be battling for the rest of my life. It may lesson, but I know it will always be there. It will be something that will always plague me. Instead, I am going to try to not let it plague me and use it to better myself and help others around me. Take all the love that Adam gave me in those 5 and a half years and put them to good use. Use it to further myself through school, use it to move my non profit forward. Use it to pick myself up everyday and try to move on with life. No matter how hard it may seem.
You may not see my pain, but it is there. You may not see the tears, but they happen. I hold myself together, fearing that if I shed one tear, that I may just fall apart and not be able to pick up the pieces again. I can’t do that. Not again. I am barely keeping myself together as it is, I can’t let myself fall apart. Life doesn’t stop just because you want it to, it doesn’t stop just because you are hurting. It still goes on.
I am learning, that this doesn’t define who I am, it just puts another piece to the puzzle of the person I am going to be. I am going to use it to better myself, and try to help others as much as possible.
Life’s struggles don’t define us, it is how we use those struggles to better ourselves that defines who we are as a person.