It’s Like I’m Screaming and No One Can Hear
“It’s like I’m screaming and no one can hear!”
As days move forward, and I start talking more about that fateful day, I am remembering more and more. It is hard to think, and remember, but I know it is time to remember these things, these moments in time. As they are keys to the whole story. I am remembering little pieces where I couldn’t remember before. After I left the Chaplain’s car, I remember getting into my friend’s car. I remember I had a hard time sitting in the car. It was to enclosed. I felt trapped. My friends were talking to some people (as for who and the names, I can’t quite remember). I remember sitting on the curb, and in my head I was screaming. I kept yelling at them to stop talking about me as if I wasn’t there because I was sitting right there. I was screaming this, I was yelling this. I was crying so hard on the inside and no one could hear me. No one was able to know what I was saying. I had lost my voice. I had lost everything. My voice was gone. Never to return until later that day. I felt trapped inside my own body. I can only assume that is what led to the claustrophobia. The feeling as if the walls of the world were caving in on me.
I know more and more of the pieces will eventually fall into place. When they do I know that I may fall apart, to only have to pick up the pieces again and move on, as the world doesn’t stop spinning for someone’s grief.
I got news today that they have planned a day where they are gonna spread Adam’s ashes. October 8th, I believe is what they said. I unfortunately am unable to go. Due to money and work. I may see if I can at least get that day off. Even though I am already scheduled to work, I do not know whether or not I will be able to focus that day. I know it’ll be difficult. I am having a friend get me some of his ashes so that Allisa and possibly Robin will have something done here and put some of his ashes in my guitar memorial tattoo.
Many don’t know, or just remember a vague post about moving back to Colorado. Well, I did it. I am back in Colorado Springs. I think tonight is the first night I am not at complete peace (was for a little bit today/tonight, then I started this post) since moving back. I don’t miss Minnesota one bit, but I do miss the new friends I made, old friends, and family. I wish I could have packed them up with me. I do have to say I do have a few great friends here who are helping me through the small rough patches that I am having throughout the transition. Fortunately they have been far and few between. We will see though, once I start my early mornings at work. Hopefully it will go smoothly.
Just remember, make yourself heard. Don’t quiet your voice just because you feel it is the right thing to do. (Be courteous of course.) Live life to the fullest, and never let moments where you are screaming on the inside go unheard. Life may be unfriendly and not care about those grieving, but you learn to cope. Take strength from those around you. Use that strength they lend you to do something good. Help someone else who may be going through something similar. We aren’t alone in this little world called grief. There are many of us. We just have to find our voice to let others see, that this is something serious. And that we are hurting on the inside. We can get through this together!