Moving on, Not as Easy as You Think
You always have these good intentions of moving on, finding something better. It’s not that easy, or that simple. Yet, we always say it. We can continue to try to move forward, and move from the past. It always seems to find us though. No matter where we go. We always wonder why life is like this. Why must we have to deal with these hardships? Why must we always go over the bumps in the road. They aren’t pretty, easy, simple or nice.
I will be the first to say, no I won’t forget about the past. I will never forget what Adam had given me, what Adam had showed me, taught me, and helped me through. He was my rock, my strong place. He had my heart and soul. My home was where he always was. This makes it harder to “settle” somewhere, but I think I know where my “home” now is. I came to love this city in the two years we had been here. I can’t believe that on June 30th, 2014 it would have been our 7 year anniversary. Jenny is now 6 years old. I have had her for almost 6 years now. Kitten would have been six and Moose is just about 2 years I believe. It is amazing how time has gone by so fast over the last 9 and a half months. Next week Thursday will be the 10 month anniversary. BOY, will that day be busy, chaotic, strange, and sad.
I can’t believe it has almost been a year already. How can that be? It feels like just yesterday that it all happened. That is probably due to the fact that I have relived that moment almost every day since. I can’t seem to think straight. I guess that is to be expected.
His ashes were spread this last Saturday on October 12th. May his spirit now be at peace. I was unable to get to is “memorial”. As it was in California and I am in Colorado. Luckily a good friend of ours will send me some of Adam’s ashes and I am going to do my own little “memorial” here in Colorado. I will be able to celebrate his short lived life, and be able to say my goodbyes to this wonderful man that I only knew for about 6 years. I will be doing this on the 24th. That is right. The 10 month anniversary of his death I will be spreading the rest of his ashes, putting some in a necklace, and making a “Christmas” ornament so that he will always be with me. Also on the 24th, I will be getting the tattoo of the musical bird on my other shoulder. This one will represent me. It will be my piece that reminds me to “Never Look Back”. No, I am not saying that I am going to forget the past. Not at all. I am simply saying that it means to never look back with regret. To never forget what Adam had taught me and what strength he did instill in me. NEGU = NEVER EVER GIVE UP! I know he wouldn’t want me to. That day I may also be getting the bird tattoo that represents Adam touched up too. Don’t worry, I will write about that day afterwards, it may be a day or two though. I will also try to make sure I get LOTS of pictures. As it will be easier to show the day. I am also feeling more black and white in photos right now and I have a feeling that for that day I will be making photos black and white unless something really truly needs color.
I miss him more now than I did in the beginning. Probably because I was still in shock, but that only lasts so long, until the actual pain of grief may come through. I have my moments where I have no issues what so ever. Then they all of a sudden hit me. Life isn’t as easy as many say it is. I believe when they say take it easy and things will be just fine that they are hiding hardships that they are even going through. It is a matter of what you are going through. Don’t let anyone discredit what you are going through. Grief is real. Everyone does it in their own way in their own time. Just don’t be reckless about it. I find my peace by going out and taking pictures of things such as Garden of the Gods, or Pikes Peak. Or when I was in Minnesota I would take pictures of Crystal Lake Beach. I will always hold certain days special in my mind. Our anniversary, his birthday, the anniversary of his death, and the day that his ashes were spread. He finally got his “viking” funeral! HA! It may not have been exactly what he wanted, but I believe it was close enough to please him.
I want to share a song with those of you who are grieving along with me.
Remember, grief isn’t something to be ashamed of. It is something dear to the person doing it! You lost someone you knew. Share your feelings with someone you truly trust and care about.