This is Not Where My Story Ends
In about 20 days it will have been a year since Adam’s death. I can’t believe it has been almost a year already. It feels like yesterday I had to make that call to 911. I am not the same person I was, nor will I ever be.
This last year has helped me to sit back and take a look at things and try to figure out who I am. I had to see who I was without Adam. Some of what I saw scared me. I became too dependent upon him. I relied too much on his strength to help me through things when I feel as if I should have been there more for him.
Over the past year I remember a lot of people saying that they thought I was a strong person for dealing with what I had to deal with, but in truth, I wasn’t really dealing with it at first. I was just hiding within my inner shell. I numbed myself to the world and everyone and everything around me. I wasn’t ready to deal with any of the issues that lay ahead, much less what was right in front of my own eyes, my own grief. Many times I covered up how I felt with my humor. Trying to make others laugh so they didn’t see any of my pain. I didn’t want them to worry or stop their lives just to make sure I was okay. They had done so much already.
Putting aside any issues with PTSD I still have a few tender spots that I know will always be there. I need to start a new chapter in my life with the new me, with the improved me. One that is just a tad stronger than before and with a few new visible and invisible scars. I need to work on who I truly am and what I want for myself in the future. Being with someone for almost 6 years, you guys tend to build your lives and futures around each other. Your goals become their goals and their goals become your goals. What I have to do is sift through them and see what was truly my goals and if I still want that. I know I eventually will want a family (other than my piggy family. Ha!), graduate with my doctorate of pharmacy, own my own pharmacy, own land where I can had some houses for family and friends so they don’t struggle anymore, I want to make my non profit successful to help those who are in need and truly need that one or a few people to lean on when things are tough. These were mainly goals that started wheb Adam and I were together, but I’ve found out that these goals are the same now as they were before. They just mean that much more to me. He just wanted what was best for me and for me to be happy. Much of what I wanted for him. I now know that he is no longer suffering with any of the mental and physical demons he had. He is free from it all. He is at peace and able to move forward to where he can take his place in the angel band playing his guitar! 🙂
This just leads me to into another topic all together. Its not necessarily easy to write and one I’ve been thinking about for a couple months now.
I know Adam wouldn’t want me to dwell on the past and to NEGU (never ever give up). I can’t change what happend and dwelling on it will only make things worse for myself. I know he’d want me to start my next chapter, to be ready for whatever life seems to throw at me. I need to follow my dreams, stay on my path, and live my life the best way I know how. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. It simply means continuing to live my life although someone I deeply cared about can no longer be here to live my life with me.
The next question would be…am I ready? There is no textbook time limit for grieving. I think I’m ready. The only way to find out is to step out there and take the chance. Things happen for a reason. We may not see it right away or at all. All I know is that I need to work on my happiness, knowing that he is no longer in pain, its not good-bye forever, just until we meet again someday. Life is mysterious, if it weren’t it’d be too predictable.
This is a topic that people tend to struggle on because they look to the textbooks for guidance. When the textbooks won’t give you answers as to what you truly feel in your heart. Nothing is set in stone when it comes to grieving. I know it’ll be a difficult journey, but what part of my life has been easy? I know that what I’ve dealt with in the last two years has made me stronger and I know that if I can deal with that stuff then I most definitely can deal with what the future has in store for me.
I’ve been focused on everyone elses well being that I haven’t focused on mine. It is now time I focus on myself to make sure that I am where I need to be mentally, emotionally, and healthwise. Its going to be a journey, but I’m ready to take the road wherever it may lead.