“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations”
Life can be so confusing, interesting, and so much of a let down. You always wonder why you are put on this Earth. Why things happen to you and what it all means? We all can’t contemplate life though, can we? Should we leave this up to the philosophers, or should the mere people like you and I do this?
I know I haven’t written in a while, maybe its due to being busy, maybe its due to lack of inspiration. Who truly knows. I don’t know why I stopped, but know I do have to continue. It is my form of therapy, and I need to continue it in order to finish my healing. Even though I know I will NEVER be done healing. Not fully anyway. There is still a part of me deep down that is more than hurt. The part that I can’t seem to harden to the world. The part that has no walls to climb, and just the random person can put a dig right in there.
Why do I allow this? I’m not sure. Maybe it is just who I am.
“That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.” – The Fault in Our Stars
As you can see I am quoting from one of my most favorite movies at this point in time. It may be due to the way it is, or just how it rings sooo true to my life about loss. The Fault in Our Stars is an awesome movie. Sad, and happy all rolled into one. I highly suggest you watch it. No, this is not a “commercial” for this movie or others. I promise. I am just saying, if you have lost someone there are a few movies out there that tend to ring really close to home. If I Stay is another one. I HIGHLY suggest reading the books before watching. Especially if you are a book worm.
“The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow” – Unknown
I found this quote while figuring out what my newest tattoo was going to be. (Wow the big 12 for tattoos. HAHA)
When I finally have my own place I will be making this quote into wall art. Just as an everyday reminder of what I need. What I am going through and how to deal with it. Our today problems may not be known why, or what is going on, but we surely find out eventually what is truly going on.
Yes, I know, this post is a little out of the ordinary and out of order and doesn’t seem to form a coherent thought process, but trust me. That is just how my brain seems to be thinking today. It seems to be how my brain has been thinking a LOT lately. Nothing seems to to make sense, and yet it makes perfect sense.
“You gave me a forever within the numbered days.” – The Fault in Our Stars
(I apologize for the grainy bad photo, my camera phone is NOT the best in the world.)
That’s what I remember. Adam. Our good days. Our bad days. Our love. It will never die. He showed me so much, even if people didn’t think we were good for each other. Some thought I was going to get hurt in the end. Well that rang true, but I feel as if that hurt was well worth the love I felt in his arms.
So I have been sitting at Perkins for almost 3 hours now. Partially researching things, applying for jobs, working on a few things, talking to people, and of course typing this. It is now pouring outside. It is like the sky has opened up with tears and pain that I am feeling on the inside. I love watching the rain. Their is something so cleansing about it. If only we could use it as a metaphor for life. If only it were that easy to wash away our pain.
“You can’t the next chapter of your life, if you keep rereading the last one.” -Unknown
You can’t move on unless you let go of your past. I know this sounds SOO simple and SOO easy, but it sure isn’t. It is something that I am learning how to do. It is not easy, as I tend to over analyze my past, my life way more than I should. I can’t help it. It just seems to be the way my brain is programmed. NO idea why, maybe it is what I witnessed throughout my life and learned, maybe its a pre-existing condition, or maybe it is just something that happened over time from all the stressors I have become accustomed too. I do have to say that my mom is a big factor in how and why I survive the things I survive. Bravery has nothing to do with it. Strong willed/strong minded sure does. I used to be fairly week when it came to things such as my bi-polar, but events in the last two and a half years have taught me that I can move on. Even if I do have some baggage, I can do what I need to to be me. I have left most baggage behind, but I have much left. Working on unpacking each on individually. That is the only way to do it, otherwise I will just get overwhelmed. Why add more stress to my life when I do not have to.
“Silence is the most powerful scream” -Unknown
I don’t know how else to say it. Many think that I am surely up to no good when I am silent. This isn’t always the case. It is occasionally, yes, I will admit that. Usually, though, it is due to deeply thinking, and internalizing my pain that I am feeling. It is as if I am so overwhelmed with what I am feeling that words fail me. And if you know me well, I am not usually speechless. I typically ALWAYS have something to say. Silence, at times, may be my way of coping with how I am feeling. I learned at a young age, not intentionally, to wait till you get to your own bed/room to cry. Walk away and deal with it. My mom does this. She didn’t intentionally teach me, but I saw that she did this, and I tended to follow suit. I don’t think it is the best way to deal with things, but it is how I learned to cope. I have some I can completely break down barriers with, while others, I just, can’t.
“Never Ever Give Up” -Unknown
I can honestly say, in the past I would lean towards suicide. I had suicidal tendencies. Not anymore. Adam’s death taught me something. Something that I will hold so close to my heart that I will never lose it. He was strong for so long, he couldn’t handle it anymore. His strength gave up. He couldn’t do it anymore. I am going to prove to myself that I have the strength to move past all these “problems” that life throws me. They may be difficult, but I will NEVER EVER GIVE UP. I can’t. I made a promise to Adam, myself, and my family after he died. I will move forward until my body will never let me move forward no longer. Even then, I am sure I will fight till my very last breath. If you are EVER thinking about giving up. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek help. NOTHING is worth ending your life.
“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.” -Bob Marley
I chose NOT to end my sentence. What do you choose? Life is precious. Life is special. It is a gift, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I can’t help but wonder MANY times, what would have happened if I ended my life. I am glad, at times, that I didn’t. I know I can’t, I won’t. I don’t have it in me to end my life. NOT for anything. NOT for anyone. Live your life for yourself and only yourself. What would you want people to say at your funeral? That you lived a long fulfilling life, or a short one that didn’t get much accomplished? I would rather go out with a bash. I want to make something of myself. To show others that you can rise above all of this. All of the pain, and all of the heartache. I know I am not destined to hurt forever, I can’t. I won’t allow myself.
“I’m sad, but I smile. That is my life.” -Unknown
Many times you may see sadness in my eyes, but I won’t tell you. I will not allow many to know just how deep the hurt goes. I smile, to say, I will be okay. I have to be. The pain can’t get any worse. Smiling is a coping device I use. Try it. See if it helps. Sometimes an outward appearance, helps the inner feelings and struggles. Also, don’t be afraid to dream. Your subconscious tries to work these things out in your sleep. It may not be fun, and is sometimes painful, but in the end you just may have an AHA moment. Smiling is healing. Don’t ever forget to smile. It is good for you. Even if you don’t feel like smiling. ALWAYS smile. Life will change. Just wait and see. Sometimes life is a huge waiting game. Just gotta let it do what it needs to do for you. Things do happen for a reason. Just see what that reason may be.
“Do what you have to do for you.” -Johnny Depp
LIVE LIFE!!!!!!! Don’t stop. Enjoy, have fun, do what you need to to live your life happily.
Blessed Be All.
And I promise I will try to write more frequently. Hopefully whatever job I find now, will allow me to be able to write a lot more often. Heck, I may even be adding recipes again. We’ll see. Comment below what you would like to see in the future. Maybe I’ll appeal to what ya’ll want.