It is, What it is
I know I know!!! Go ahead and yell at me, I haven’t written in quite a while. Go ahead, scold me. Life has been quite crazy, maybe even a little chaotic. Sometimes I just feel as if my feet can’t get a hold of the ground. It is frustrating, but you know, it’s life.
I know I am NOT the easiest person to get along with, nor am I perfect. I do try hard sometimes, and I try really hard at controlling my emotions. You know, the whole depression/bi polar/PTSD thing. It is NOT an easy feat, but I have managed fairly well for quite a while without taking ANY medications. As of late, I have been thinking of changing that, then I remember the hassle and the way I felt on them. I feel sometimes I do MUCH better off them.
I have my issues, and I have my quirks. Probably not the easiest person to date or be friends with even. Yes, I will have my mood swings, but I think sometimes I am so stressed, that is just how it seems to come out. I don’t like that it happens that way, but I can only seem to learn one coping mechanism at a time. Then I shut myself down, and shut the world out because I feel as if I “said too much” or “felt too much”. Then people take that as me being rude or you know. It’s not. It is a coping mechanism that seemed to form after things went sour in my life. Understanding where these emotions are coming from is one thing, but how do I face them without breaking my entire world apart? These emotions seem to feel way to big for my brain or heart to handle, but when I do face them, I feel as if I messed the entire “system” up.
I guess you can say I get frustrated easily, but I guess that came with the territory of completely removing my filter. Although, if you think of some of the emotions I have bottled up, it isn’t fully removed. It is kind of functioning, but it is a different filter entirely. It is an emotional filter, not the normal kind that people think of. This filter, it blocks things from being let in or out. It hides my heart, builds that wall around parts that are healing, but sometimes things sneak by. The fortress can be conquered occasionally. Not easily, but it can. If you only knew how much, but that is the thing, sometimes that filter will block it just in time, and what comes out is anger and frustration. I will retreat into myself to try to get a grasp of what I am feeling. Then it makes me seem distant to others.
Like I said, I am NOT an easy person to get along with, but the key to “figuring” me out is not really that hard to figure out. Many times when I snap it isn’t always about the “Current” situation, but about many things that may have built up over time, or a bundle of emotions that just became too much for my system to handle.
There are times when people make little jabs here and there, and I will completely hide the fact from them, that they may have been joking, but it truly did hurt. I shut many people out of my life because of this. Some not even purposely. I guess my head/heart decided they weren’t worth the hurt. What do you do if it is someone you don’t want to shut out? Still trying to figure that one out. Heck, I normally figure these things out by writing, but it seems, that that may not quite work the way it normally does. So now what? I feel as if I have tried everything. Do I go back to ground zero? Do I start again, or just pick up the pieces all over again? These puzzle pieces that are so torn and ragged, that they just don’t fit together anymore, and may even be missing a few pieces. This is an incomplete puzzle and one that is quite tough to put together. You know! I used to LOVE puzzles, but now I don’t know.
I don’t understand myself sometimes. So I don’t expect others to understand me either. I mean why should they? It’s my life, not theirs.
So remember, when you love someone with any kind of mental illness, that sometimes they just need a LITTLE more understanding about somethings, and sometimes a little more care. If you are in a relationship work on it together.
I know this one left me a little lost too. I guess it is just my rant for the evening.
I will TRY to write more, not that it happens much. I seem to have so much going on I just don’t know what to do anymore.