I know, I know, you can reprimand me. I haven’t written in a while. It has been chaotic and I have been trying to get things under control. My bi-polar, depression, anxiety, and PTSD have reared their ugly heads. Not in a very terrible manner, but enough to make life seem a little more difficult. I started reading this book about a psychiatrist who has manic-depressive disorder. I found this book and I was thinking that it would bring some insight into a lot of things. Who knew how much insight. If you ever wonder what some are going through, I suggest reading it. WARNING: Not everyone’s symptoms are as severe or the same as what she goes through. Just remember that it gives you an idea of what its like to be inside a persons head who has this disease.
In this book, An Unquiet Mind, by Kay Redfield Jamison. There are many things I want to write on, but something just got to me tonight. The one thing that really got to me was this line: “Manic-depression is a disease that both kills and gives life. Fire, by its nature, both creates and destroys.” Many manic depressives are ones who are creative, many manic depressives are ones who are suicidal. This line just spoke to me. I don’t know why.
Maybe it is because of what I have gone through or what it feels like. Or maybe it spoke to something that’s within me. No, I’m not suicidal. I’ve been manic, and I’ve had my downs.
There are many things in this book that seem to reach out to me, and HOPEFULLY. I can get to finishing it and writing about it soon or at least some of it.
Again, sorry about the delays. HOPING to get back sooner!
Have you ever sat and thought about life? All the choices you have to make? High school electives? College courses? High school/College job? Career? Family Life? Kids? Cars? A home? It goes on and on and on?
Now think about it. Look at the game of Life game board. See how it winds and turns and twists every which way? As a kid we never really realized how true that game is to real life. We never knew how close to life that would be. Like when you landed on that one darn space that made you pay in because some darn unexpected thing happened. Like a car repair or house repair. Yea. Nothing like a surprise repair to undo all of your hard work on your mental self esteem.
Life has been chaotic. Life is crazy. I finally have excellent insurance to find out what is truly going on inside my body. Come to find out. I probably really didn’t want to know. They found another nodule. This time on the bed of where my right thyroid used to be. They were unable to find any conclusive evidence on it. It was unable to get a good biopsy of it. So for now we are just monitoring.
My blood sugar isn’t pretty. I am prediabetic. So we are taking precautions. GO ME! My chiropractor thinks My sciatic nerve is inflamed hence my increased pain in the right side. Oh and the diagnosis list that is a foot long that my endocrinologist has added to my chart. BOY OH BOY! I now will have to go through an entire day of testing to confirm all of my mental health diagnosis to make sure what is going on so we can go about it all correctly. My primary care doctor tried putting me on Zoloft. We were doing good, until we increased my dose and my anxiety/irritability increased to the point of everyone else noticing. SOOO, my new psychiatrist decreased it for now until I see her again and I go through testing and try something else to see what we can do. I have a feeling there is no medication i can be on that will be a good fit due to a few things. 1. Cause of weight gain, 2. cause of irritability and weight gain 3. counter indications with other medications that I now have to take in order to keep myself from dying.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so tempted to say stop with all the meds/testing and everything, but it gets to the point of, I kind of need those. If I don’t take those it may cause some serious issues. Especially being the one medication has already helped me to lose 10 pounds. Maybe it’s just the pain and the nervous/anxiety/money problems talking who knows. I’m just tired of struggling all the time. Yet all the anxiety and everything makes me want to go on a shopping spree. I can’t win. No matter what I do. I don’t know how to cope anymore. I guess I need to get myself reorganized again and situated in my routine that keeps getting unsettled from moving, changing schedules, promotions, etc. I need to get myself back on track. I just don’t know how. Maybe this is something to talk to my Psychiatrist about.
Any who, yes, as you read. You read promotion correctly. I technically got two “promotions”. I started working for Prime Therapeutics in December of 2015 as a contractor with Aerotek (so not hired on with the company, but as a temp). I started really liking my job. Finally in the same line of work I had been wanting to be in for a LONG time now. Putting my Pharmacy Technician experience stuff to use, granted in a different aspect of the field, but still. I started in one area, with the goal of becoming a technician and moving to another team. So, by March I had my test scheduled and was studying really hard to get it done and over with. April 27th, 2016 I took my Pharmacy Technician Certification Exam and passed. I had talked to my recruiter, and was told that goal was by August I could transition to the Tech side of things. Only to find out a day or two later than in less than 1 week I would be trained in as a technician. I was shocked, surprised and amazed all at the same time. Shortly after, in the beginning of May, I started training as a technician. I loved my job even more! Still being a contractor. My next hurdle now was to be hired on as a full time employee. In September a round of hiring came around. I was unable to get it only because there were other techs hired on before me that had dibs on the position. I understand. I totally get it! By mid October, there was another round of hiring. I figured, let’s try this again. A week later, I got called into an office. I was nervous thinking I did something wrong. Only to find out that they were going to convert me to a full time employee. They were going to hire me on! My next goal FINALLY accomplished! YES! So for now, my big work goals are accomplished. I only have minor work temporary goals and that is just to keep doing well and doing the best I can. My big goals is to get my money a little more steady, and my health on track and then I can create bigger career goals and focus on more things and more responsibilities. This way my health and money issues will not seep into my work life anymore.
It’s been one heck of a year. It’s been one heck of a life. I’m not sure how I have lasted through half of it, but I have. It’s interesting how I have, but I will continue to survive with those who care for me, love me and support me. Those are the ones who I truly need in my life and are my true friends and family. I could not have done half of what I have done without any of them. They are truly what make me get through each and every day.
I can’t seem to get this out of my mind
It goes to and fro
Making my mind go stir crazy
I’m afraid to tell you
That you will think I am crazy
Well, maybe I am, just a little
Crazy, that is
I can’t put it into words
the way I feel about you
and when I do, it seems to just
I can’t seem to express myself
Not the way I want
Not the way I need to
so I retreat into my heart and head
Into this little den
Called my emotional safe haven
Then when pushed just right,
like the wild animal i feel like
Trapped in this emotional corner
this corner I can’t control enough
To feel safe
To not fight back
I feel cornered
this may end
WAY too soon.
I know I know!!! Go ahead and yell at me, I haven’t written in quite a while. Go ahead, scold me. Life has been quite crazy, maybe even a little chaotic. Sometimes I just feel as if my feet can’t get a hold of the ground. It is frustrating, but you know, it’s life.
I know I am NOT the easiest person to get along with, nor am I perfect. I do try hard sometimes, and I try really hard at controlling my emotions. You know, the whole depression/bi polar/PTSD thing. It is NOT an easy feat, but I have managed fairly well for quite a while without taking ANY medications. As of late, I have been thinking of changing that, then I remember the hassle and the way I felt on them. I feel sometimes I do MUCH better off them.
I have my issues, and I have my quirks. Probably not the easiest person to date or be friends with even. Yes, I will have my mood swings, but I think sometimes I am so stressed, that is just how it seems to come out. I don’t like that it happens that way, but I can only seem to learn one coping mechanism at a time. Then I shut myself down, and shut the world out because I feel as if I “said too much” or “felt too much”. Then people take that as me being rude or you know. It’s not. It is a coping mechanism that seemed to form after things went sour in my life. Understanding where these emotions are coming from is one thing, but how do I face them without breaking my entire world apart? These emotions seem to feel way to big for my brain or heart to handle, but when I do face them, I feel as if I messed the entire “system” up.
I guess you can say I get frustrated easily, but I guess that came with the territory of completely removing my filter. Although, if you think of some of the emotions I have bottled up, it isn’t fully removed. It is kind of functioning, but it is a different filter entirely. It is an emotional filter, not the normal kind that people think of. This filter, it blocks things from being let in or out. It hides my heart, builds that wall around parts that are healing, but sometimes things sneak by. The fortress can be conquered occasionally. Not easily, but it can. If you only knew how much, but that is the thing, sometimes that filter will block it just in time, and what comes out is anger and frustration. I will retreat into myself to try to get a grasp of what I am feeling. Then it makes me seem distant to others.
Like I said, I am NOT an easy person to get along with, but the key to “figuring” me out is not really that hard to figure out. Many times when I snap it isn’t always about the “Current” situation, but about many things that may have built up over time, or a bundle of emotions that just became too much for my system to handle.
There are times when people make little jabs here and there, and I will completely hide the fact from them, that they may have been joking, but it truly did hurt. I shut many people out of my life because of this. Some not even purposely. I guess my head/heart decided they weren’t worth the hurt. What do you do if it is someone you don’t want to shut out? Still trying to figure that one out. Heck, I normally figure these things out by writing, but it seems, that that may not quite work the way it normally does. So now what? I feel as if I have tried everything. Do I go back to ground zero? Do I start again, or just pick up the pieces all over again? These puzzle pieces that are so torn and ragged, that they just don’t fit together anymore, and may even be missing a few pieces. This is an incomplete puzzle and one that is quite tough to put together. You know! I used to LOVE puzzles, but now I don’t know.
I don’t understand myself sometimes. So I don’t expect others to understand me either. I mean why should they? It’s my life, not theirs.
So remember, when you love someone with any kind of mental illness, that sometimes they just need a LITTLE more understanding about somethings, and sometimes a little more care. If you are in a relationship work on it together.
I know this one left me a little lost too. I guess it is just my rant for the evening.
I will TRY to write more, not that it happens much. I seem to have so much going on I just don’t know what to do anymore.
The wind is blowing
Blowing my mind away
The thunder is my heart beating
Do you hear it?
Do you understand?
It is voicing my inner turmoil.
I can’t fight the pain any longer
My mind is on fire,
My heart aches
The rain falls
Tear after tear
Its a wonder
How I am still standing
Standing in the rain
Wind hasn’t blown me away yet
Maybe there is still some strength left.
Is it enough to move forward?
Is it enough strength to weather this storm?
The wind is strong
But I just may manage
Let it blow these thoughts
Right out of my mind
Let the rain cleanse my soul
Give me a new peace
Something to look forward to.
We will see
We will hope
That the storm that seems to run through my body
Will go away.
Life can be so confusing, interesting, and so much of a let down. You always wonder why you are put on this Earth. Why things happen to you and what it all means? We all can’t contemplate life though, can we? Should we leave this up to the philosophers, or should the mere people like you and I do this?
I know I haven’t written in a while, maybe its due to being busy, maybe its due to lack of inspiration. Who truly knows. I don’t know why I stopped, but know I do have to continue. It is my form of therapy, and I need to continue it in order to finish my healing. Even though I know I will NEVER be done healing. Not fully anyway. There is still a part of me deep down that is more than hurt. The part that I can’t seem to harden to the world. The part that has no walls to climb, and just the random person can put a dig right in there.
Why do I allow this? I’m not sure. Maybe it is just who I am.
“That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.” – The Fault in Our Stars
As you can see I am quoting from one of my most favorite movies at this point in time. It may be due to the way it is, or just how it rings sooo true to my life about loss. The Fault in Our Stars is an awesome movie. Sad, and happy all rolled into one. I highly suggest you watch it. No, this is not a “commercial” for this movie or others. I promise. I am just saying, if you have lost someone there are a few movies out there that tend to ring really close to home. If I Stay is another one. I HIGHLY suggest reading the books before watching. Especially if you are a book worm.
“The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow” – Unknown
I found this quote while figuring out what my newest tattoo was going to be. (Wow the big 12 for tattoos. HAHA)
When I finally have my own place I will be making this quote into wall art. Just as an everyday reminder of what I need. What I am going through and how to deal with it. Our today problems may not be known why, or what is going on, but we surely find out eventually what is truly going on.
Yes, I know, this post is a little out of the ordinary and out of order and doesn’t seem to form a coherent thought process, but trust me. That is just how my brain seems to be thinking today. It seems to be how my brain has been thinking a LOT lately. Nothing seems to to make sense, and yet it makes perfect sense.
“You gave me a forever within the numbered days.” – The Fault in Our Stars
(I apologize for the grainy bad photo, my camera phone is NOT the best in the world.)
That’s what I remember. Adam. Our good days. Our bad days. Our love. It will never die. He showed me so much, even if people didn’t think we were good for each other. Some thought I was going to get hurt in the end. Well that rang true, but I feel as if that hurt was well worth the love I felt in his arms.
So I have been sitting at Perkins for almost 3 hours now. Partially researching things, applying for jobs, working on a few things, talking to people, and of course typing this. It is now pouring outside. It is like the sky has opened up with tears and pain that I am feeling on the inside. I love watching the rain. Their is something so cleansing about it. If only we could use it as a metaphor for life. If only it were that easy to wash away our pain.
“You can’t the next chapter of your life, if you keep rereading the last one.” -Unknown
You can’t move on unless you let go of your past. I know this sounds SOO simple and SOO easy, but it sure isn’t. It is something that I am learning how to do. It is not easy, as I tend to over analyze my past, my life way more than I should. I can’t help it. It just seems to be the way my brain is programmed. NO idea why, maybe it is what I witnessed throughout my life and learned, maybe its a pre-existing condition, or maybe it is just something that happened over time from all the stressors I have become accustomed too. I do have to say that my mom is a big factor in how and why I survive the things I survive. Bravery has nothing to do with it. Strong willed/strong minded sure does. I used to be fairly week when it came to things such as my bi-polar, but events in the last two and a half years have taught me that I can move on. Even if I do have some baggage, I can do what I need to to be me. I have left most baggage behind, but I have much left. Working on unpacking each on individually. That is the only way to do it, otherwise I will just get overwhelmed. Why add more stress to my life when I do not have to.
“Silence is the most powerful scream” -Unknown
I don’t know how else to say it. Many think that I am surely up to no good when I am silent. This isn’t always the case. It is occasionally, yes, I will admit that. Usually, though, it is due to deeply thinking, and internalizing my pain that I am feeling. It is as if I am so overwhelmed with what I am feeling that words fail me. And if you know me well, I am not usually speechless. I typically ALWAYS have something to say. Silence, at times, may be my way of coping with how I am feeling. I learned at a young age, not intentionally, to wait till you get to your own bed/room to cry. Walk away and deal with it. My mom does this. She didn’t intentionally teach me, but I saw that she did this, and I tended to follow suit. I don’t think it is the best way to deal with things, but it is how I learned to cope. I have some I can completely break down barriers with, while others, I just, can’t.
“Never Ever Give Up” -Unknown
I can honestly say, in the past I would lean towards suicide. I had suicidal tendencies. Not anymore. Adam’s death taught me something. Something that I will hold so close to my heart that I will never lose it. He was strong for so long, he couldn’t handle it anymore. His strength gave up. He couldn’t do it anymore. I am going to prove to myself that I have the strength to move past all these “problems” that life throws me. They may be difficult, but I will NEVER EVER GIVE UP. I can’t. I made a promise to Adam, myself, and my family after he died. I will move forward until my body will never let me move forward no longer. Even then, I am sure I will fight till my very last breath. If you are EVER thinking about giving up. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek help. NOTHING is worth ending your life.
“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.” -Bob Marley
I chose NOT to end my sentence. What do you choose? Life is precious. Life is special. It is a gift, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I can’t help but wonder MANY times, what would have happened if I ended my life. I am glad, at times, that I didn’t. I know I can’t, I won’t. I don’t have it in me to end my life. NOT for anything. NOT for anyone. Live your life for yourself and only yourself. What would you want people to say at your funeral? That you lived a long fulfilling life, or a short one that didn’t get much accomplished? I would rather go out with a bash. I want to make something of myself. To show others that you can rise above all of this. All of the pain, and all of the heartache. I know I am not destined to hurt forever, I can’t. I won’t allow myself.
“I’m sad, but I smile. That is my life.” -Unknown
Many times you may see sadness in my eyes, but I won’t tell you. I will not allow many to know just how deep the hurt goes. I smile, to say, I will be okay. I have to be. The pain can’t get any worse. Smiling is a coping device I use. Try it. See if it helps. Sometimes an outward appearance, helps the inner feelings and struggles. Also, don’t be afraid to dream. Your subconscious tries to work these things out in your sleep. It may not be fun, and is sometimes painful, but in the end you just may have an AHA moment. Smiling is healing. Don’t ever forget to smile. It is good for you. Even if you don’t feel like smiling. ALWAYS smile. Life will change. Just wait and see. Sometimes life is a huge waiting game. Just gotta let it do what it needs to do for you. Things do happen for a reason. Just see what that reason may be.
“Do what you have to do for you.” -Johnny Depp
LIVE LIFE!!!!!!! Don’t stop. Enjoy, have fun, do what you need to to live your life happily.
Blessed Be All.
And I promise I will try to write more frequently. Hopefully whatever job I find now, will allow me to be able to write a lot more often. Heck, I may even be adding recipes again. We’ll see. Comment below what you would like to see in the future. Maybe I’ll appeal to what ya’ll want.
We lost a beloved actor yesterday. His suicide has brought up some very painful memories. Some memories that stab deep down into my soul. My heartaches knowing what significant amount of pain he must have been in order to figure suicide was his final only option. Is he a coward for choosing this route? I think not. Was it the right choice. Probably not, but he did what he thought was best for himself. Suicide isn’t cowardly. Many times they are brave to do it. Knowing what it’ll do. Am I condoning it? No. I’m simply explaining.
People who use suicide as an out feel there is ABSOLUTELY NO other out to the pain they feel. Whether it be physically or emotionally. Sometimes we can’t always stop it. It is sometimes inevitable. All we can do is love them our hardest, and help them through the hurdles. Be there for them through it all.
Heaven claimed another angel.
May he smile down upon those
Who he made laugh
Knowing his pain
Is no longer a burden
To his big heart
Let his angel wings soar
To spread happiness
To more around the world
Give them peace
This great man is now
And more alive now
Then he ever was before