Now, like I said in a previous post some think I have it, others don’t think I do. I think I have a mild case of it. It is all due to just ONE event in life. No one knows until they go through something, how life changing that ONE event can be and how it can affect you the rest of your life.
Now after everything happened on Christmas Eve I would have pretty HARSH flashbacks. I mean REALLY harsh. I was actually placed back into that day. I was actually RELIVING everything. You have no idea how scary that can be. Especially when you don’t know what triggers it. (Later I find that being in the car triggers it the most or even just a song). That first week I was basically living off of Valium. Many know how I am. I REFUSE to take medication if I do not have too. There were times I refused it, but I couldn’t sleep without it because every time I closed my eyes I saw everything all over again. I was reliving it, just by closing my eyes. Can you imagine? Kinda hard to sleep with your eyes open. So, the medication made it so I would sleep. I was happy that I could get sleep. Well I at least was a few days later. The first few days people had to force me to eat, force me to do much of anything. I couldn’t go outside without feeling as if the whole world would come crashing down on me. I didn’t know where this feeling was coming from as I couldn’t be in a small room due to the fact that I was feeling claustrophobic. So why was it worse to be outside??? That is a good question. At that point I only felt safe in a few places. In my friend, Robin’s, house, her car or my friend Allisa’s vehicles. Again, why? I was being claustrophobic, but yet I felt safer in their cars than outside?? These are all emotions and feelings I still question to this day. No one knows why I felt that way and I don’t think anyone ever can. I know why I was feeling claustrophobic, but why was I more afraid of outside than inside??
I remember the first night I was at Robin’s house. I curled up at the bottom of her bed like a cat near her feet and just fell asleep. (Thank you Robin I truly appreciate it!) It had to be a FUNNY sight, but that was where I felt comfortable. I don’t remember exactly how many nights I slept like that. I think it was two or three. I was finally being strong headed and moved to the couch (still unable to go into her spare room due to Adam having been in there the day before he died.) It took me almost a FULL WEEK to enter that room. I still couldn’t be in there for more than a few minutes without feeling as if I was going to fall apart. So I camped out on her couch till January 2nd, when my step dad and I started the trek back to Minnesota. I can’t say it was a mistake because I needed my family. It is going to sound cheesy, but I needed my mommy. Who could blame me, right?
Normal body functions took a few days (eating/drinking) finally came back where I wasn’t forced a few days later. So everything happened on the Monday, then on Tuesday was Christmas. A wonderful family (thank you Christina) invited me over to help me through the day. She was the 2nd person who forced me to eat. Her WONDERFUL WONDERFUL son helped me that day. What a cutie. I still had weak moments of course, but I was mostly numb to the world. I had a right to be. Wednesday, both Robin and I had planned to start cleaning out the vehicles, but got a REALLY late start due to being really tired. Me, I was medicated and still just wanted to sleep. It is a normal thing to want to do after going through a loss or a traumatic experience. It is a part of the depression. Thursday came, a day I dreaded, but needed to get done and over with. I refused medication this day because I wanted to be as clear headed as possible.
What happened on Thursday, you say? Well this was the day that we were finally able to go back to the apartment and clean it out and get everything all packed up. Throw things out that weren’t needed, pack up stuff that is needed, etc. I didn’t go in the apartment. There were points where people put a blanket on my shoulders and I don’t remember it. I just remember taking it off and trying to figure out how it ended up there. I was shivering, but didn’t care. I just wanted to get it done. Many compliment me on my strength. It wasn’t strength I was running on. I was running on get me the F**K out of here. I was running on the fact that it needed to get done. There were a few people that I TRULY TRULY TRULY appreciate for being there.
I want to state one fact: I wasn’t running on strength. If it was strength, I would remember more to the day.
I remember walking in front of the building and I saw in the bathroom window. I saw red. It was in the shape of a person. I started freaking out. Later to find out it was actually my friend Robin. She was wearing a red hoodie. It seems so stupid now, but it wasn’t. I remember breaking down whenever I heard an ambulance or a fire truck. I felt like I was going to go crazy. I am a person who learned early on how to keep things on the inside. If I didn’t I felt as if I would lose control. And that is NOT something I wanted to do. So the “strength” that many say I have or that they see. It’s not there. It is an illusion. It is a front. I may smile, you may see the smile or see me laugh and joke, but really at night I am crying myself to sleep and still having issues sleeping. I am still having flashbacks and nights where I am crying myself to sleep. I guess this is where I get to the PTSD and the misconceptions.
A misconception: I have more strength than anyone else.
Truth: No, I am just really good at hiding it. I prefer to wait till I get to my room and cry into my pillow. I pull into myself and try to find myself instead of confiding in people (these blogs are harder to write than you may think). I feel if I do I will lose control. It’s not strength. It is called survival.
Misconception: You just lost him, get over it. Move on.
Truth: NO WAY IN HELL AM I GETTING OVER IT THAT FAST. SAID DONE. If I feel like going on a date or two to try to some sort of normalcy in my life that is fine. I am not looking for a relationship nor am I trying. Don’t judge me unless you know who I truly am and only a few people TRULY know me on the inside.
Misconception: Flashbacks aren’t that bad or you don’t really have them.
Truth: If you aren’t in my head, BACK OFF. I started getting them more and more seldom, but I do get them. They used to be mostly during the day while in the car at random times. No idea why, but it happens. I have had maybe 3 or 4 in the last wee versus the 3 or 4 in a day that I used to get. The nightmares are still there along with the insomnia. The nightmares ARE flashbacks. I still recoil at the sound of a shot gun (in any way). Even if it is just a mimic of it and NOT TRULY the gun itself or something that sounds like it. Shows that I used to LOVE watching (Bones), I can’t watch. Why? Think about it, why do you think I can’t watch it.
Grief is different for everyone. I don’t necessarily feel bouts of anger towards him. I am glad he isn’t in pain anymore. That is why I am not angry with him. I’m angry with the situation and what it has put me through and where it has put me both physically, emotionally, and everything in between. I feel more guilty everyday for everything than I do anger or sadness. The guilt is what eats me up inside. No, I didn’t necessarily do anything wrong, but I feel as if, I could have done something different. If only I said I love you one more time, or I didn’t spend that extra few minutes at work to finish up a project. Or if I wasn’t so wrapped up in trying to get things done and made more time for us. This is the stuff that runs through my head everyday. Or the what ifs. The what ifs are a killer. What if I had gave him a hug that morning? What if we had REALLY broken up the few times that we said we would? Would he still be alive? But what ifs don’t change an outcome. They just get stuck in your head forever. Along with the guilt. They both whir in your head like your clothes do in the washing machine. (HAHA. Just remember the way Adam always made fun of me the way I said wash and bag. LMAO)
My guilt eats at me everyday. The what ifs are like a dagger to the heart each and every time. It is like someone is stabbing me OVER AND OVER AND OVER again.
I have also gotten this question MANY times: Are you getting help? The answer to that question is that I am getting the help that I need in the way and the time that I need it. I am doing what I have to do to survive. My “treatment” is none of anyone’s business except mine. If I feel as if I need to have a drink once in a while, so be it. LEAVE ME BE. I don’t drink often. In fact I barely do. If I feel as if I need to go walk around somewhere, BY MYSELF, LEAVE ME BE. If I feel as if I want walk off a cliff let me (no I am not really gonna do that, just trying to prove a point). I will do things in my own time in my own way. If the way that makes me feel better is lay my head on my pillow and cry myself to sleep, who cares. It is the way I am coping with it.
Remember the post I did on what ACTUALLY happened??? Yea, Remember how I told you EXACTLY what happened right before calling 911? The part where I heard the bang and saw his head snap back, then I grabbed the phone and tried (it wouldn’t unlock for some reason) to unlock the front door to get a neighbor as I was calling 911? Yea, that whole bit, I remember it piece by piece. It lasted maybe 3 minutes or less. In my flashbacks it lasts MINUTES longer than that. I see EVERY DETAIL, I feel ALL of the emotions over and over and over again. It is as if I am ACTUALLY there in that day redoing whatever it was. It reminds me of a story in Greek mythology where the one guy is destined to hates to keep rolling the rock up the hill and it rolls down again. Never getting it to the top. That is what the flashbacks are like. Or let’s put it this way. It is like doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. My mind is trying to figure out this BIG change in my life. By it trying to figure it out, it gives flashbacks. It is all in my subconscious. (Hence the nightmares) My mind keeps replaying it as if I can come up with a different outcome. Same with the what ifs, but nothing is going to change. And my mind seems to be having a HUGE problem with that. I feel like I am just beating my head against the wall or talking to a brick wall or beating a dead horse. You know those stupid sayings. It is exactly what it is.
Yes, not only do I have flashbacks, but I have bouts of anxiety attacks. They do at some points get to full on panic attacks. I suffered anxiety attacks before, but not to the severity that I have now. No, I do not necessarily want to take medication for it, and when I finally do go back to Colorado I WILL go back to my doctors and be able to get my medication back together again. Don’t push me/don’t force me.
What NOT to say to a survivor of suicide:
Things will get better.
Oh, they must have REALLY wanted to get away from you.
I know what you are going through. (No you don’t, every situation is different)
It was God’s will.
God called your loved one home because He needed some flowers in His Garden
It was an accident, a terrible accident.
He or she was on drugs or drunk.
Why? (HELLO I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!!!)
Don’t say that the suicidal person was not in his or her right mind or was “crazy”. The majority of people who complete suicide are ambivalent and tormented; they may have a character disorder or are neurotic, but they are not insane. Telling the survivors that the person was crazy may invoke worries of inheriting mental illness. Suicide is not inherited.
Below are more things to do/not do around a survivor of suicide.
There are days where my mind tricks me into thinking that it is all a dream and that his smiling face will walk in the door. There are times my mind tricks me into thinking that it didn’t truly happen. That is when it makes it hurt all that much more when I realize that he is not coming home to give me a hug. It is when I realize that I will never be held by him again that I feel dead inside. These feelings come on strong, and take a while to make them go away.
NEVER EVER tell me what to do. I am 25 years old. I am past the point where I need to be told what to do during my grief. Now if I am starting to harm myself in some way (stop eating/drinking, hurting myself, etc) then step in, but ONLY THEN. Otherwise, let me do things my own way with my own time. I NEED THAT. I NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE TO FEEL WHAT I NEED TO FEEL. If I need to talk I will tell you. If I need to do something I will tell you.
Ways to help someone cope with being the survivor of suicide:
Be a good listener.
Be a good listener. Survivors have a tendency to repeat and ramble. They may have a tremendous sense of guilt. It is helpful to listen over and over and over again.
Be patient. Often the survivor is the first one to realize that they are not easy to get along with, but they need people to persevere with them until their grief eases.
Don’t say “snap out of it.” Often the survivor reacts to such a statement by pushing down his or her feelings and thoughts, which slows the process of working through ones grief.
Be the type of friend with whom the survivor can talk and feel comfortable and accepted. Be available to spend time with the survivor. Most people find the best way to work through their emotions is to talk them out with someone they trust. When the survivor tells about their feelings often they are helped in understanding what is going on. Talking also releases some of their pressures. Often while talking the survivor comes up with his or her own solutions.
Survivors have every right to feel sensitive. Some people deliberately avoid the survivors. They will cross the street or pretend that they don’t see the survivors. This adds to their guilt. Such actions are not done out of malice, but rather out of confusion about what to say. It is important to make every effort to befriend the survivor and to reach out.
Vicious and cruel remarks are sometimes made. They hurt the survivor deeply. Don’t repeat such remarks and try to help the originators of the remarks to realize the hurt that they are causing the survivor.
************Don’t start telling the survivors that your child or friend “almost” tried to commit suicide an you “know” how they feel. Your loved one is still alive and theirs is dead.****************
Never say “you’ll get over it in time.” Hopefully, the survivor will learn to deal with it and cope with it in time, but never will they “get over it.”
Discussing the signs of suicide with a survivor is not helpful since the suicide is a fact. Telling them “there must have been signs indicating depression” only lays more guilt on the survivor.
The anniversary of the suicide is a very painful time. Relatives and friends should make every effort to be available, to listen, to call, to visit, to send a note, to do little acts of thoughtfulness.
Accept the survivor’s feelings. Practice unconditional love. Feelings of rage, anger, and frustration are not pleasant to observe or listen to, but it is necessary for the survivor to recognize and work on these feelings in order to work through the grief rather than become stuck in one phase.
Some additional reading that EVERYONE should read:
There have been many things that have come to light in the years that I lived in Colorado. Many health issues. I was diagnosed with Multi Nodular Goiter. Which is an enlarged thyroid with nodules that could be cancerous. Found out they were cancerous. By removing the thyroid, it removed the cancer. I still have my left thyroid. It did not have nodules nor is it enlarged. It is normal. I found out that I am slowly losing hearing in one ear. The other one is SLOWLY going also. I have tinitus on almost a CONSTANT basis in the one ear. So if it seems as if I am ignoring you, I am not. I am just having a particularly bad day with my hearing. My one knee has no cartalidge left and will have to eventually be replaced. My other one, since moving back to Minnesota in the cold is now starting to go also. I have a severe allergy to corn husks (only makes me sneeze uncontrollably). I am allergic to yellow gold. I have GERDS (acid reflux), I have high blood pressure, migraines, my sight is also starting to go down hill, chronic depression, and bi polar. I have to say I am a mess and falling apart. Not many people know half of the medical issues I have been battling for the last few years. And it is because I am only JUST coming to terms with some of them. You may ask, wait, how old are you again? I am only 25 years old, and yes, I am a medical wonder. Not to mention all the PREVIOUS issues I have had. I had my gall bladder removed and removing it had caused more stomach issues than when I had it, but had to have it removed because it was slowly dying inside my body. Meaning it could have burst at any point. I am not telling you this just to get pity. (That is FAR from what I want.) I want you to understand what I am going through and I wanted to get it all written down so that I didn’t have to CONTINUALLY tell people.
My life has been far from easy. With all these medical issues you wonder, were they the cause of my two miscarriages?? Possibly, but many of these medical issues didn’t pop up till later. I have had two miscarriages (three if you count the set of twins as two) in my life. I still do suffer from the grief of them. To know that I could have a kid that belonged to Adam, I do not know what I would do if I did. I would have a piece of him with me always. The 2nd miscarriage happened in 2008 (I am not going to talk about the first as many don’t know about it and I don’t want to talk about that one). It was during a “break” that Adam and I had. After a big fight. I didn’t know I was pregnant, but continued to take my birth control. I didn’t miss a period or anything. That is all I am going to say about both of them. Only certain people are allowed to know ANYTHING about them. and they all know who they are.
I think this is where I am going to leave you all tonight. Brought to you by “Another Flash Back”
Okay so it has been quite a while since I last posted an actual post minus the recipes. Well, something happened Christmas Eve that has changed my life forever. And now I am NOT being overly dramatic about this. I am quite serious. In fact, if you are going to act that way then leave. LOL (sorry had to add humor as what you are about to read is a little depressing, sad, etc.)
So, we, Adam and I, had moved into a new apartment on November 1st, 2012. Well we were all fine and dandy and living the life thinking things were going to be okay, but come to find out they weren’t. Adam started getting bug bites. I wasn’t. This triggered some of his mental issues he had in the past. Come to find out that the bites were from bed bugs. Who would have thought our DREAM apartment complex turned into a nightmare in a matter of days? Well, the first was on a Thursday, we by the following Tuesday evening temporarily moved into a hotel. (This started our hotel hopping for about two weeks). This stopped the bites. Now the time to wait for the apartment people to FINALLY do their job. Our DREAM apartment complex, turned nightmare in a matter of days, about two months later it became more of a nightmare than I would have imagined (keep reading to find out what).
So we had gathered up the essentials and our guinea pigs in their temporary cages. (We had gotten a new one since one of our other ones had passed away a week before the move.) They still weren’t getting along so we had two separate temporary cages. Fun, right? OH YEA. LOADS. lol
So we spent a week and a half in a hotel, then on November 12th, 2012 I had to have my thyroid removal (see other post for more on this). My Great friend/sister took the piggies for a few days for us. I stayed in the hospital over night and the next day went to our home away from home. FUN. At least the hotel staff were nice. So on Wednesday I had dropped off a blanket for a cat at the humane society. On Thursday Adam had his WORST bout of mental issues he had since we moved to Colorado Springs. He ended up checking himself into the hospital hoping they would help him with his medication. They didn’t. in fact they were taking him off EVERYTHING without trying to prevent seizures (a side effect if taken off a medication without trying to prevent them or not stopping gradually). So as you can see things are already bad. I was JUST released from the hospital two days prior. In pain, and not having the person who helped relieve it by just being there for me. I knew he had to take care of himself before he could take care of anyone else. So on Thursday I talked to him and on Friday I had no idea what hospital he was in because he never had the chance to call me back and when I called the hospital that I THOUGHT (I knew in my mind he was there) he was at they said IF he is here we will give him your message. They NEVER EVER gave him my messages!!!! HOW RUDE!!! So on Sunday they let him check out against doctor’s orders.
We did a few errands to get stuff situated before going home. We could now go back to the apartment because a treatment had been done on Friday and it was now Sunday. So we went and picked up the piggies and went back to the apartment to find a HUGE mess from the treatment company. We had to call the police thinking that the shotgun was stolen. At this point in time I WISH it had been stolen. It would have caused me less heartache in the end. But no changing things now and no what if is going to change anything. So we called the third party people about the issues and had to have a neighbor help pick up the heavy boxes as I still couldn’t lift things. (I was only a week out from surgery.) So fun fun. As I was sitting on the phone waiting to talk to people I saw ANOTHER bed bug. The treatment DIDN’T WORK!!!! At this point we were out of money and couldn’t go back to hotels. We were stuck. so we lived with it. Two weeks later they did another treatment. We stayed with a friend for the day. The treatment, again, DIDN’T WORK. Bed bugs were still there full force. At this point I just wanted to burn the place down. It would solve everyone’s problem. At this point we are now into December. I was healing, but not fast enough. Adam was at his worst that he had EVER been. We were FINALLY able to get him in to see people, but things just weren’t working. Why was this happening to us??? We did good when we could, we helped others when we could. We even helped when we were struggling ourselves. Again, the what if’s now will not change a thing.
So, I am already back on my normal schedule of working at the college and going to classes. FINALLY, classes end. Still no news on what the next step is with the treatment company. Which is sort of annoying. We didn’t have the money to move out, even if they did refund our deposit. We just didn’t know what we were going to do. So the week before Christmas I worked more than I usually did because my schedule had changed. Allowing me to work more hours, and the fact that being it was “winter break” I could work 40 hours instead of the normal 20 during the semester. I was working hard knowing that we needed the money. We had a rough weekend. We stayed at my friends so I can do as much laundry as I possibly could so it was done and over with. We stayed there that night because Adam couldn’t stand our apartment. Not only was it invaded by pests, but two people and two guinea pigs were living in a small 300 square foot apartment. Yea, not that great of a time. Due to the bed bugs we couldn’t move into our “permanent” apartment because they had to finish renovating it. They didn’t want to finish because they wanted to get rid of the bugs first. (New carpet and bed bugs do not mix). So that weekend he spent a lot of time at our friends house because he felt safer. That was okay with me because some things had lapsed since not really being there then being there and being unable to do much do to surgery, and the mess the treatment company made, etc. So I tried to get things done, but I was worried about Adam.
On Christmas Eve some instances are blurred others are what others tell me, and some still have blanks. So bear with me please. That morning Adam woke me up yelling in one of this “fits” again. His new meds weren’t quite working. They do take time to kick in and he only JUST started taking them the week before. He finally found enough cash to go get cigarettes and he finally calmed down enough to lay down and rest.
A couple hours later he started freaking out again. He got another bug bite. And he had a SEVERE reaction to the bugs. He had HUGE welts from them. So he had gone into the bathroom to smoke out the window. He started saying many things. I don’t remember much of what he was saying. I was sitting five feet from the bathroom door (remember 300 sq foot apartment) and the door was open. I had JUST made some lunch. I was hungry. I remember him asking if there was more and I said yea, its in the pan and that I didn’t dish him up any because I wasn’t sure if he wanted any. (He hadn’t been eating much and I wasn’t going to force him. Why should I force someone to eat if they aren’t hungry?) He then started flipping out again and asking if he was sterile and unable to have children. (I’ll explain more later). Then said he was going to kill himself. I don’t remember him grabbing the gun. Normally it is NOT loaded. Now remember the size of the apartment, where I am sitting and where the door is located to the bathroom. He was sitting on the toilet and the next thing I know I heard a LOUD bang and saw his head whip back and the bullet enter his head. I ran from the room screaming. I had the phone in my hand. I didn’t know what else to do other than go get neighbors to help me figure out what to do. I was already on the phone with 911. They had put me on hold. Yes, ON HOLD. Granted it was like 30 seconds, but that 30 seconds was the longest time of my life. I was sitting in the hallway and one of the neighbors, THANK GOODNESS, (I still need to send her and my other neighbors a thank you note) was home. She sat in the hallway with me while I was on the phone with 911. I don’t remember the call. I remember vaguely walking out to the porch to wait and the cops showing up first. Three cop cars I believe, there could have been more. I don’t remember. Then the fire truck (first responders), then the ambulance The police went in first to secure the “scene”. One had come out to the first responders and said that he thinks he (Adam) is still breathing. I thought thank god that means they can save him right?? I was wrong. The ambulance people went in and the first responders came out saying that they were hooking him up to machines. 5 LONG minutes later I saw the fire chief come out and look at one of the police officers shake his head. I knew then. My heart dropped out of my chest. It couldn’t be. NO, it can’t be. Then the ambulance people started walking out the front door of the apartment building with all their things. If I was standing I know I would have fallen to the ground crying, begging for them to try some more. To save him. To breath life into his lovely face again. To hold him to be able to kiss him again. To tell him I love him ONE more time.
From this point forward I don’t remember much. I remember bits and pieces, the rest has been pieced together by friends who had showed up to help me.
I remember walking to the chaplain’s car (the one that works with the police department) I remember it took a lot to get me there because I refused to leave the porch. I guess I was shivering really bad from the cold, but refused to put socks or shoes on. I just wanted to cry, yell, scream, and beg. I wanted to go back in time. In my mind I pleaded with god to please let me redo the day. Let me insist earlier that he get help before it actually got this bad. Again, what if’s do not help.
I remember vaguely being moved to a friend’s car and my other friend showing up. (My saviors that day.) This is where things got fuzzy. I remember people talking and they were whispering out of ear shot. I just wanted to yell. I wanted to scream at them to talk to ME. I just wanted to scream at them at everyone. I was screaming, but on the inside, no one could hear me. I wanted to die. For all I know I was dying on the inside. I felt dead. I wished I was. This worried my friends to no end. They didn’t know I had one motivating factor keeping me from killing myself. My family, my mom, my little brother, my siblings, my grandma, everyone. I couldn’t do it to them. As much as I want to be with Adam again. I can’t do it to them. As much as my heart aches I can’t. I’d rather live with this unbearable pain then to make someone else go through what I am going through.
This is where I don’t remember, but someone filled in. I supposedly became unresponsive to the point I wasn’t even looking at anyone. I was told that it came to the point of barely breathing and that someone had to actually hold my head up. My friend was afraid I was in shock. (Wouldn’t you be too if you just saw what you saw and just lost the love of your life?) I think I heard her say later she was mad that the ambulance people didn’t check me out before they left the first time (yes they had to come back). At this point she told me that she had to tell them to get an ambulance. When the ambulance got there, I briefly remember having climbed on the stretcher and put in the ambulance. I remember shaking violently. I don’t know if it was the cold, shock or a combination. (I was still in my night gown). They then took vitals. By this time I started to come back to. At least somewhat. I remember the police having to do something with my hands to test for gun residue. I wanted to kick and scream at them. Asking them if they were nuts to think I would do something like that to him??? I started to pull into myself again. I briefly remember the ambulance person asking if I wanted to go to the hospital. I told him no, but my friends insisted. My heart rate was really high. Now many who know me, know, I HATE taking medication and refuse to take it if I don’t have to, this includes having to go to a hospital. Bad things happen at hospitals.
I sort of remember the ambulance ride. I remember thinking I could so easily kill myself in here. It wouldn’t be that hard. The medicine cabinet was right next to me. it was unlocked. I remember debating it, I even almost opened it. That’s when I thought, why?? I would hurt my family and I couldn’t do that to them. By the time I almost got the courage to just do it and get it over with, we were at the hospital. My opportunity was gone. I remember being wheeled in and they gave me a room. I was now at the hospital, all by myself. I wanted to yell and scream. I wanted to punch the wall. I wanted to die. I was already dead on the inside. I went to the nurse I had to use the restroom. By the time I came back to my room a couple “friends” (I use the term loosely) were there. The doctor came in to see me and he wanted to give me medication. He wanted to give me ativan. I refused. I said he (Adam) took ativan. I don’t want it. The nurse came in and said it isn’t ativan its lorazepam. UMMM HELLLOO, I AM A PHARMACY TECHNICIAN, I KNOW WHAT LORAZEPAM IS, ITS THE GENERIC TO ATIVAN!!!!!! I am NOT dumb. I refused it. I was there for a few hours and at this point I just wanted to leave. I wanted out of that place. My one “friend” had to check herself into the er due to something. Her fiance stayed with me. When the nurse came in, she checked my vitals again. My heart rate was still through the roof. She was worried, but being I was up and moving around and responding and seeming okay she started the discharge process. My friend’s fiance FINALLY spoke up when she gave me a prescription for ativan. He spoke out for me, having heard me say SEVERAL times that I didn’t want that medication. I didn’t want anything, but if they had to give me something, I didn’t want THAT. So they gave me a prescription for valium. It became my savior for a bit when I couldn’t seem to sleep or when the anxiety seemed to be at its worst. Again, everyone KNOWS how I HATE taking medication. If I can go without I will. I will “suffer” through the pain. I hate how medications make me feel. Don’t want that. So I had to go wait for my one friend to come get me (one that showed up at the apartment and insisted I go to the hospital) I was going to stay with her temporarily till we figured things out. She showed up and told me that it took so long to get there because of the fact that they had to FIGHT with the police to get the guinea pigs. The police were gonna ship them off to the humane society to be euthanized. My two friends (Allisa and Robin) are my saviors at this point. They both showed up at the apartment and they BOTH fought to get the guinea pigs. After about three hours they were able to get them. Robin got them all set up at her place. Thank you both!!! You are much appreciated.
The rest of the day isn’t that important being not much happened other than a lot of crying, a lot of refusing medication, finally just giving in. I was tired of closing my eyes and seeing it all over again. I am pretty sure I suffer from PTSD, but I tell someone that and I am told that I am crazy. So who knows.
That week became a blur. I remember cleaning out the apartment and again Allisa and Robin REFUSING me in to begin with. They didn’t know the state of the apartment yet. I did go in later that evening with the bathroom door closed. (It had not been cleaned up). I felt him there. So did everyone else.
There was a lot that happened that week when I moved back to Minnesota. I did find out that my heart is and always will be in Colorado Springs. I am moving back when things become right again. When I am emotionally and financially ready. It became home in the two years I lived there. I don’t know when. Maybe it was when the fire happened. Maybe it was when I found such great friends. Maybe it was when I started college who knows. But I WILL be moving back. It is not oh I might be, I AM.
Now to the part about Adam again. Adam had something called Schitzoaffective disorder and bipolar and depression. We were thinking there was more to it than that, but at the time we were just trying to get the symptoms under control before moving too much more forward. He was hearing voices and he was paranoid. That is all a part of the Schizoaffective disorder. When we moved into the apartment the bed bugs triggered it. It was a BAD trigger. He then ended up with a UTI, causing another trigger. And from after having October happen (the month from hell), he started slipping again. When we moved to the springs things were better. He still had issues, but not as bad as before, in fact he was getting better, but with all the stress added, it made the anxiety worse, which made all the other stuff trigger and happen. Now you add depression and anxiety together you get someone who is a possible suicidal case. Now you add new meds that have a POSSIBLE side effect of being suicidal and you have an explosive mix. We were doing everything we could to get things under control, but they came too late. I feel as if it is partially my fault, but what was I to know that he would fall backwards that far again? Things were going pretty well. For the both of us. We had a rough time in October, but we were pulling through things together. Many don’t understand how bad Adam was. He was pretty bad. In fact he was so bad he was afraid of hurting me due to the voices. He was afraid of doing things because of them. They were strong, and it turns out, a LOT stronger than him. He also suffered from chronic pain. I saw the scans of his back, so don’t say he is a pill addict. His back was MESSED UP. You add the pain to all his other things and that lead to him wanting to end the pain.
I am not mad at him. I know why he did it. Remember, I thought about doing it myself in the ambulance??? Remember I was thinking I can end this pain right here and now?? Why would I be mad at him? He was doing what he thought best for himself and me. Now it wasn’t the best thing, but he wasn’t in his right mind.
Before you question, make sure you understand FULLY what was going on. This will be my LAST description of what happened. I will NOT talk about it again, until I am ready. I want everyone to understand this. If you still have questions either you will have to eat them or you will have to wait till I am ready. I am DONE explaining. It is NOT helping. I lose sleep a lot because of the flash backs and because I am SOO used to sleeping next to him. We were together for 5 and a half years. Lived together for 5 of those years. Slept next to each other almost every night for those five years. I’m still experiencing issues from this experience. I may SEEM happy and ooh lala or what not, but I am not. I just learned to hide these things early on. I learned to hold it in till I got to my bed at night. So many may not EVER see them, unless you are those special few people in my life. And some i don’t show it for fear of burdening them of things on top of what they already have to deal with.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you are suicidal get help. There is a help line for you. Also there are other resources and people to talk to. Don’t be afraid to tell them. They are there for you!! If you know someone who is suicidal PLEASE don’t ignore it. Life is precious. I hate to see anyone else have to go through what I have had to go through. I want everyone to pay attention. Suicide is NOT a silent killer. Most people reach out before hand in some shape or form. In Adam’s case it was just a little too late. Don’t let it be too late for someone you love/care about.
And with this post I say goodbye to the year from hell and hello to a new year. I hope it is better than the last. It has to be right?
WARNING: SWEARING INVOLVED!!!!!!
Who here has heard of the 3 bad things rule??? I have BY FAR SURPASSED THAT RULE. that is FOR SURE.
1. My boyfriends dog gets put to sleep.
2. My boyfriend’s grandma passes away
3. My great grandma passes away
All find and dandy right?? that is three correct? Yes, but is that where it stopped. UMM HELL NO.
4. Issues finding a new apartment
5. Issues finding help move
6. Adam is infected with walking pneumonia
7. Our one guinea pig dies
8. Adam gets bug bites like crazy
9. Have to start living at a hotel because of the fact that our apartment has bed bugs
10. Boy I baby-sat had seizures so bad he had have his brain surgery earlier than expected
11. I have my surgery
12. My right Thyroid was so bad, they had never seen anything like it before.
13. Adam gets admitted to the hospital
14. Ran out of money to stay in hotels
15. Move back into apartment and the bed bugs are STILL here
So that is 15 items. Yes I could have grouped some of them, but they all seemed so monumental, and even if you grouped a couple of them together, there is STILL more than 3 things. So where the hell is this rule of three??? I want that rule of three to happen. I need something good to happen. If something good does happen it seems that something bad happens and it surpasses the good by 30 feet. I get a small good. (Thyroid should no longer be a problem) and then get a HUGE bad (Bed bugs are still in the apartment complex). See what I mean???
Why me? Supposedly God only gives you what you can handle, well, he sure is testing me, because I am about to end up in the loony bin!!! I am not even kidding. I have been on the verge of saying, “FUCK IT”. I am D-O-N-E, DONE. NO MORE, but then something else happens. What else is he gonna throw at me? I don’t think I can deal with anymore BS. If he only hands you what you can handle, then why is he handing me more than I can bear right now??? I just feel like barricading myself in my bathroom and just living there. Just need to figure out the snack issue. Wait, where am I sitting now??? In my small bathroom. There is NO WAY I could live in this bathroom. Now if we were in our “permanent” appointment I probably could. So I guess for now, I am just gonna hide away in the bathroom for a few minutes and then face the world, AGAIN. With a smile on my face and pretend that all is well after it is said and done. After all, no one truly cares what I have to say or what my feelings are. I mean, why would they? they have their own problems to contend with. They have to deal with their own B.S. I know There are people out there that probably have A LOT more worse off conditions, but sometimes, I just can’t bear the weight on my shoulders anymore. I can sit here and help those people, but in turn, I have to think somewhat selfishly and ask, now what about me?? I helped you, but who is gonna help me move forward? Who is gonna show me they actually care? I hate being used. That is why I am glad I have quite a few friends who ACTUALLY care and for the most part listen. But they have enough issues in their life, they don’t need me butting in. They don’t need me telling them my problems. So, here I am again, at the beginning of the circle and holding everything in, so that I don’t bother others.
Well, I am gonna lay down for the 45 minutes so that we can go get our thanksgiving sales for this morning at Kmart. Then come back to clean up, set up our new T.V., move things around in this TINY BUTT apartment to be able to use the stove to start the turkey. and eat Turkey dinner and then go back out to get sales again. Come home, play with the new toys, and then go back out on friday to get our final sale.
I appreciate anyone who is reading this ranting. I truly appreciate it. Sometimes I just have to say what I am feeling or I sure am going to explode. If you think all I do is complain, then leave. I do NOT put up with people acting like complete asshats when it comes to M-Y, MY BLOG. I REPEAT MY BLOG. It isn’t your blog, it is MINE. I can write whatever the fuck I want. You don’t have to read it. Hell you can even dislike it, or unfollow it. I do not care. I am not a blogger who focus’ on how many people are actually reading my blog. I blog because this is what I can do to make myself feel better and have a place to put my recipes without having to have TEN different notebooks laying around full of stuff.
Blessed Be, and I hope that your life isn’t continuously handing you lemons! Good Luck!
Have you ever found yourself in a funk? I mean a real, down and out, annoyed, just want to crawl under a rock and never leave? (or your nice warm blanket?) Well, anywho, that is how this semester has been for homework. I know I want to finish. I HAVE to finish. For my own sanity. I just look ahead and think, boy, what did I get myself into? I have so many years left! It sure will be worth it in the end!
So, like I previously wrote today, I had issues this week. Imagine being drugged up due to pain and trying to write a discussion post on memory, when you don’t remember a dang thing from the chapter!! Yea, it was quite funny. At least it wasn’t the chapter on drugs!
I finally finished my posting for mythology, and handed in my paper for english. Now I have a whole chapter to finish for math and do the test and study for the final. And this is not including the rest of the chapter for psych. Now, how am I to finish these things when everything keeps going down for maintenance?
Well, who cares. I have a LOT of cleaning to do, guinea pig cage to clean, guinea pigs to snuggle, homework to finish, spring cleaning and organizing, laundry and a WHOLE list of things to finish! I am beyond tired. I do not think I can finish anymore today. Which is strange being I slept for more than 13 hours (DAMN PAIN MEDS). HMMM…anyone wanna help with my to do list? Well all except snuggling my piggies that is! That’s my favorite “chore”. Wish me luck in finishing everything and hope that the pain goes away.
Oh, more on the front of the preemie hats and booties. I have quite a few hats done, trying to get more booties done. Got more yarn. I also know which organization I am gonna go through. http://www.carewear.org . So, If you know anyone who can donate yarn, let me know! I need a TON more!! I have a goal of 100 hats and 100 sets of booties!