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PTSD – It follows you everywhere – And Other Misconceptions

Now, like I said in a previous post some think I have it, others don’t think I do. I think I have a mild case of it. It is all due to just ONE event in life. No one knows until they go through something, how life changing that ONE event can be and how it can affect you the rest of your life.

 

Now after everything happened on Christmas Eve I would have pretty HARSH flashbacks. I mean REALLY harsh. I was actually placed back into that day. I was actually RELIVING everything. You have no idea how scary that can be. Especially when you don’t know what triggers it. (Later I find that being in the car triggers it the most or even just a song). That first week I was basically living off of Valium. Many know how I am. I REFUSE to take medication if I do not have too. There were times I refused it, but I couldn’t sleep without it because every time I closed my eyes I saw everything all over again. I was reliving it, just by closing my eyes. Can you imagine? Kinda hard to sleep with your eyes open. So, the medication made it so I would sleep. I was happy that I could get sleep. Well I at least was a few days later. The first few days people had to force me to eat, force me to do much of anything. I couldn’t go outside without feeling as if the whole world would come crashing down on me. I didn’t know where this feeling was coming from as I couldn’t be in a small room due to the fact that I was feeling claustrophobic. So why was it worse to be outside??? That is a good question. At that point I only felt safe in a few places. In my friend, Robin’s, house, her car or my friend Allisa’s vehicles. Again, why? I was being claustrophobic, but yet I felt safer in their cars than outside?? These are all emotions and feelings I still question to this day. No one knows why I felt that way and I don’t think anyone ever can. I know why I was feeling claustrophobic, but why was I more afraid of outside than inside??

 

I remember the first night I was at Robin’s house. I curled up at the bottom of her bed like a cat near her feet and just fell asleep. (Thank you Robin I truly appreciate it!) It had to be a FUNNY sight, but that was where I felt comfortable. I don’t remember exactly how many nights I slept like that. I think it was two or three. I was finally being strong headed and moved to the couch (still unable to go into her spare room due to Adam having been in there the day before he died.) It took me almost a FULL WEEK to enter that room. I still couldn’t be in there for more than a few minutes without feeling as if I was going to fall apart. So I camped out on her couch till January 2nd, when my step dad and I started the trek back to Minnesota. I can’t say it was a mistake because I needed my family. It is going to sound cheesy, but I needed my mommy. Who could blame me, right?

 

Normal body functions took a few days (eating/drinking) finally came back where I wasn’t forced a few days later. So everything happened on the Monday, then on Tuesday was Christmas. A wonderful family (thank you Christina) invited me over to help me through the day. She was the 2nd person who forced me to eat. Her WONDERFUL WONDERFUL son helped me that day. What a cutie. I still had weak moments of course, but I was mostly numb to the world. I had a right to be. Wednesday, both Robin and I had planned to start cleaning out the vehicles, but got a REALLY late start due to being really tired. Me, I was medicated and still just wanted to sleep. It is a normal thing to want to do after going through a loss or a traumatic experience. It is a part of the depression. Thursday came, a day I dreaded, but needed to get done and over with. I refused medication this day because I wanted to be as clear headed as possible.

 

What happened on Thursday, you say? Well this was the day that we were finally able to go back to the apartment and clean it out and get everything all packed up. Throw things out that weren’t needed, pack up stuff that is needed, etc. I didn’t go in the apartment. There were points where people put a blanket on my shoulders and I don’t remember it. I just remember taking it off and trying to figure out how it ended up there. I was shivering, but didn’t care. I just wanted to get it done. Many compliment me on my strength. It wasn’t strength I was running on. I was running on get me the F**K out of here. I was running on the fact that it needed to get done. There were a few people that I TRULY TRULY TRULY appreciate for being there.

 

I want to state one fact: I wasn’t running on strength. If it was strength, I would remember more to the day.

 

I remember walking in front of the building and I saw in the bathroom window. I saw red. It was in the shape of a person. I started freaking out. Later to find out it was actually my friend Robin. She was wearing a red hoodie. It seems so stupid now, but it wasn’t. I remember breaking down whenever I heard an ambulance or a fire truck. I felt like I was going to go crazy. I am a person who learned early on how to keep things on the inside. If I didn’t I felt as if I would lose control. And that is NOT something I wanted to do. So the “strength” that many say I have or that they see. It’s not there. It is an illusion. It is a front. I may smile, you may see the smile or see me laugh and joke, but really at night I am crying myself to sleep and still having issues sleeping. I am still having flashbacks and nights where I am crying myself to sleep. I guess this is where I get to the PTSD and the misconceptions.

 

A misconception: I have more strength than anyone else.

Truth: No, I am just really good at hiding it. I prefer to wait till I get to my room and cry into my pillow. I pull into myself and try to find myself instead of confiding in people (these blogs are harder to write than you may think). I feel if I do I will lose control. It’s not strength. It is called survival.

 

Misconception: You just lost him, get over it. Move on.

Truth: NO WAY IN HELL AM I GETTING OVER IT THAT FAST. SAID DONE. If I feel like going on a date or two to try to some sort of normalcy in my life that is fine. I am not looking for a relationship nor am I trying. Don’t judge me unless you know who I truly am and only a few people TRULY know me on the inside.

 

Misconception: Flashbacks aren’t that bad or you don’t really have them.

Truth: If you aren’t in my head, BACK OFF. I started getting them more and more seldom, but I do get them. They used to be mostly during the day while in the car at random times. No idea why, but it happens. I have had maybe 3 or 4 in the last wee versus the 3 or 4 in a day that I used to get. The nightmares are still there along with the insomnia. The nightmares ARE flashbacks. I still recoil at the sound of a shot gun (in any way). Even if it is just a mimic of it and NOT TRULY the gun itself or something that sounds like it. Shows that I used to LOVE watching (Bones), I can’t watch. Why? Think about it, why do you think I can’t watch it.

 

Grief is different for everyone. I don’t necessarily feel bouts of anger towards him. I am glad he isn’t in pain anymore. That is why I am not angry with him. I’m angry with the situation and what it has put me through and where it has put me both physically, emotionally, and everything in between. I feel more guilty everyday for everything than I do anger or sadness. The guilt is what eats me up inside. No, I didn’t necessarily do anything wrong, but I feel as if, I could have done something different. If only I said I love you one more time, or I didn’t spend that extra few minutes at work to finish up a project. Or if I wasn’t so wrapped up in trying to get things done and made more time for us. This is the stuff that runs through my head everyday. Or the what ifs. The what ifs are a killer. What if I had gave him a hug that morning? What if we had REALLY broken up the few times that we said we would? Would he still be alive? But what ifs don’t change an outcome. They just get stuck in your head forever. Along with the guilt. They both whir in your head like your clothes do in the washing machine. (HAHA. Just remember the way Adam always made fun of me the way I said wash and bag. LMAO)

My guilt eats at me everyday. The what ifs are like a dagger to the heart each and every time. It is like someone is stabbing me OVER AND OVER AND OVER again.

I have also gotten this question MANY times: Are you getting help? The answer to that question is that I am getting the help that I need in the way and the time that I need it. I am doing what I have to do to survive. My “treatment” is none of anyone’s business except mine. If I feel as if I need to have a drink once in a while, so be it. LEAVE ME BE. I don’t drink often. In fact I barely do. If I feel as if I need to go walk around somewhere, BY MYSELF, LEAVE ME BE. If I feel as if I want walk off a cliff let me (no I am not really gonna do that, just trying to prove a point). I will do things in my own time in my own way. If the way that makes me feel better is lay my head on my pillow and cry myself to sleep, who cares. It is the way I am coping with it.

 

THE FLASHBACKS:

Remember the post I did on what ACTUALLY happened??? Yea, Remember how I told you EXACTLY what happened right before calling 911? The part where I heard the bang and saw his head snap back, then I grabbed the phone and tried (it wouldn’t unlock for some reason) to unlock the front door to get a neighbor as I was calling 911? Yea, that whole bit, I remember it piece by piece. It lasted maybe 3  minutes or less. In my flashbacks it lasts MINUTES longer than that. I see EVERY DETAIL, I feel ALL of the emotions over and over and over again. It is as if I am ACTUALLY there in that day redoing whatever it was. It reminds me of a story in Greek mythology where the one guy is destined to hates to keep rolling the rock up the hill and it rolls down again. Never getting it to the top. That is what the flashbacks are like. Or let’s put it this way. It is like doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. My mind is trying to figure out this BIG change in my life. By it trying to figure it out, it gives flashbacks. It is all in my subconscious.  (Hence the nightmares) My mind keeps replaying it as if I can come up with a different outcome. Same with the what ifs, but nothing is going to change. And my mind seems to be having a HUGE problem with that. I feel like I am just beating my head against the wall or talking to a brick wall or beating a dead horse. You know those stupid sayings. It is exactly what it is.

 

ANXIETY ATTACKS:

Yes, not only do I have flashbacks, but I have bouts of anxiety attacks. They do at some points get to full on panic attacks. I suffered anxiety attacks before, but not to the severity that I have now. No, I do not necessarily want to take medication for it, and when I finally do go back to Colorado I WILL go back to my doctors and be able to get my medication back together again. Don’t push me/don’t force me.

What NOT to say to a survivor of suicide:

Things will get better.
Oh, they must have REALLY wanted to get away from you.
I know what you are going through. (No you don’t, every situation is different)
It was God’s will.
God called your loved one home because He needed some flowers in His Garden
It was an accident, a terrible accident.
He or she was on drugs or drunk.
Why? (HELLO I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!!!)
Don’t say that the suicidal person was not in his or her right mind or was “crazy”. The majority of people who complete suicide are ambivalent and tormented; they may have a character disorder or are neurotic, but they are not insane. Telling the survivors that the person was crazy may invoke worries of inheriting mental illness. Suicide is not inherited.
Below are more things to do/not do around a survivor of suicide.

 

 

There are days where my mind tricks me into thinking that it is all a dream and that his smiling face will walk in the door. There are times my mind tricks me into thinking that it didn’t truly happen. That is when it makes it hurt all that much more when I realize that he is not coming home to give me a hug. It is when I realize that I will never be held by him again that I feel dead inside. These feelings come on strong, and take a while to make them go away.

NEVER EVER tell me what to do. I am 25 years old. I am past the point where I need to be told what to do during my grief. Now if I am starting to harm myself in some way (stop eating/drinking, hurting myself, etc) then step in, but ONLY THEN. Otherwise, let me do things my own way with my own time. I NEED THAT. I NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE TO FEEL WHAT I NEED TO FEEL. If I need to talk I will tell you. If I need to do something I will tell you.

 

Ways to help someone cope with being the survivor of suicide:

Be a good listener.
Be patient.
Be available.

 Be a good listener. Survivors have a tendency to repeat and ramble. They may have a tremendous sense of guilt. It is helpful to listen over and over and over again.

Be patient. Often the survivor is the first one to realize that they are not easy to get along with, but they need people to persevere with them until their grief eases.

Don’t say “snap out of it.” Often the survivor reacts to such a statement by pushing down his or her feelings and thoughts, which slows the process of working through ones grief.

Be the type of friend with whom the survivor can talk and feel comfortable and accepted. Be available to spend time with the survivor. Most people find the best way to work through their emotions is to talk them out with someone they trust. When the survivor tells about their feelings often they are helped in understanding what is going on. Talking also releases some of their pressures. Often while talking the survivor comes up with his or her own solutions.

Survivors have every right to feel sensitive. Some people deliberately avoid the survivors. They will cross the street or pretend that they don’t see the survivors. This adds to their guilt. Such actions are not done out of malice, but rather out of confusion about what to say. It is important to make every effort to befriend the survivor and to reach out.

Vicious and cruel remarks are sometimes made. They hurt the survivor deeply. Don’t repeat such remarks and try to help the originators of the remarks to realize the hurt that they are causing the survivor.

************Don’t start telling the survivors that your child or friend “almost” tried to commit suicide an you “know” how they feel. Your loved one is still alive and theirs is dead.****************

Never say “you’ll get over it in time.” Hopefully, the survivor will learn to deal with it and cope with it in time, but never will they “get over it.”

Discussing the signs of suicide with a survivor is not helpful since the suicide is a fact. Telling them “there must have been signs indicating depression” only lays more guilt on the survivor.

The anniversary of the suicide is a very painful time. Relatives and friends should make every effort to be available, to listen, to call, to visit, to send a note, to do little acts of thoughtfulness.

Accept the survivor’s feelings. Practice unconditional love. Feelings of rage, anger, and frustration are not pleasant to observe or listen to, but it is necessary for the survivor to recognize and work on these feelings in order to work through the grief rather than become stuck in one phase.

Some additional reading that EVERYONE should read:

http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=257&name=DLFE-456.pdf

http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/help_heal.shtml

 

 

 

There have been many things that have come to light in the years that I lived in Colorado. Many health issues. I was diagnosed with Multi Nodular Goiter. Which is an enlarged thyroid with nodules that could be cancerous. Found out they were cancerous. By removing the thyroid, it removed the cancer. I still have my left thyroid. It did not have nodules nor is it enlarged. It is normal. I found out that I am slowly losing hearing in one ear. The other one is SLOWLY going also. I have tinitus on almost a CONSTANT basis in the one ear. So if it seems as if I am ignoring you, I am not. I am just having a particularly bad day with my hearing. My one knee has no cartalidge left and will have to eventually be replaced. My other one, since moving back to Minnesota in the cold is now starting to go also. I have a severe allergy to corn husks (only makes me sneeze uncontrollably). I am allergic to yellow gold. I have GERDS (acid reflux), I have high blood pressure, migraines, my sight is also starting to go down hill, chronic depression, and bi polar. I have to say I am a mess and falling apart. Not many people know half of the medical issues I have been battling for the last few years. And it is because I am only JUST coming to terms with some of them. You may ask, wait, how old are you again? I am only 25 years old, and yes, I am a medical wonder. Not to mention all the PREVIOUS issues I have had. I had my gall bladder removed and removing it had caused more stomach issues than when I had it, but had to have it removed because it was slowly dying inside my body. Meaning it could have burst at any point. I am not telling you this just to get pity. (That is FAR from what I want.) I want you to understand what I am going through and I wanted to get it all written down so that I didn’t have to CONTINUALLY tell people.

My life has been far from easy. With all these medical issues you wonder, were they the cause of my two miscarriages?? Possibly, but many of these medical issues didn’t pop up till later. I have had two miscarriages (three if you count the set of twins as two) in my life. I still do suffer from the grief of them. To know that I could have a kid that belonged to Adam, I do not know what I would do if I did. I would have a piece of him with me always. The 2nd miscarriage happened in 2008 (I am not going to talk about the first as many don’t know about it and I don’t want to talk about that one). It was during a “break” that Adam and I had. After a big fight. I didn’t know I was pregnant, but continued to take my birth control. I didn’t miss a period or anything. That is all I am going to say about both of them. Only certain people are allowed to know ANYTHING about them. and they all know who they are.

 

I think this is where I am going to leave you all tonight. Brought to you by “Another Flash Back”

 

Blessed be,

Tosha

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Life, Heartbreak, Torment, and Suicide prevention and awareness

Okay so it has been quite a while since I last posted an actual post minus the recipes. Well, something happened Christmas Eve that has changed my life forever. And now I am NOT being overly dramatic about this. I am quite serious. In fact, if you are going to act that way then leave. LOL (sorry had to add humor as what you are about to read is a little depressing, sad, etc.)

So, we, Adam and I, had moved into a new apartment on November 1st, 2012. Well we were all fine and dandy and living the life thinking things were going to be okay, but come to find out they weren’t. Adam started getting bug bites. I wasn’t. This triggered some of his mental issues he had in the past. Come to find out that the bites were from bed bugs. Who would have thought our DREAM apartment complex turned into a nightmare in a matter of days? Well, the first was on a Thursday, we by the following Tuesday evening temporarily moved into a hotel. (This started our hotel hopping for about two weeks). This stopped the bites. Now the time to wait for the apartment people to FINALLY do their job. Our DREAM apartment complex, turned nightmare in a matter of days, about two months later it became more of a nightmare than I would have imagined (keep reading to find out what).

So we had gathered up the essentials and our guinea pigs in their temporary cages. (We had gotten a new one since one of our other ones had passed away a week before the move.) They still weren’t getting along so we had two separate temporary cages. Fun, right? OH YEA. LOADS. lol

So we spent a week and a half in a hotel, then on November 12th, 2012 I had to have my thyroid removal (see other post for more on this). My Great friend/sister took the piggies for a few days for us. I stayed in the hospital over night and the next day went to our home away from home. FUN. At least the hotel staff were nice. So on Wednesday I had dropped off a blanket for a cat at the humane society. On Thursday Adam had his WORST bout of mental issues he had since we moved to Colorado Springs. He ended up checking himself into the hospital hoping they would help him with his medication. They didn’t. in fact they were taking him off EVERYTHING without trying to prevent seizures (a side effect if taken off a medication without trying to prevent them or not stopping gradually). So as you can see things are already bad. I was JUST released from the hospital two days prior. In pain, and not having the person who helped relieve it by just being there for me. I knew he had to take care of himself before he could take care of anyone else. So on Thursday I talked to him and on Friday I had no idea what hospital he was in because he never had the chance to call me back and when I called the hospital that I THOUGHT (I knew in my mind he was there) he was at they said IF he is here we will give him your message. They NEVER EVER gave him my messages!!!! HOW RUDE!!! So on Sunday they let him check out against doctor’s orders.

We did a few errands to get stuff situated before going home. We could now go back to the apartment because a treatment had been done on Friday and it was now Sunday. So we went and picked up the piggies and went back to the apartment to find a HUGE mess from the treatment company. We had to call the police thinking that the shotgun was stolen. At this point in time I WISH it had been stolen. It would have caused me less heartache in the end. But no changing things now and no what if is going to change anything. So we called the third party people about the issues and had to have a neighbor help pick up the heavy boxes as I still couldn’t lift things. (I was only a week out from surgery.) So fun fun. As I was sitting on the phone waiting to talk to people I saw ANOTHER bed bug. The treatment DIDN’T WORK!!!! At this point we were out of money and couldn’t go back to hotels. We were stuck. so we lived with it. Two weeks later they did another treatment. We stayed with a friend for the day. The treatment, again, DIDN’T WORK. Bed bugs were still there full force. At this point I just wanted to burn the place down. It would solve everyone’s problem. At this point we are now into December. I was healing, but not fast enough. Adam was at his worst that he had EVER been. We were FINALLY able to get him in to see people, but things just weren’t working. Why was this happening to us??? We did good when we could, we helped others when we could. We even helped when we were struggling ourselves. Again, the what if’s now will not change a thing.

So, I am already back on my normal schedule of working at the college and going to classes. FINALLY, classes end. Still no news on what the next step is with the treatment company. Which is sort of annoying. We didn’t have the money to move out, even if they did refund our deposit. We just didn’t know what we were going to do. So the week before Christmas I worked more than I usually did because my schedule had changed. Allowing me to work more hours, and the fact that being it was “winter break” I could work 40 hours instead of the normal 20 during the semester. I was working hard knowing that we needed the money. We had a rough weekend. We stayed at my friends so I can do as much laundry as I possibly could so it was done and over with. We stayed there that night because Adam couldn’t stand our apartment. Not only was it invaded by pests, but two people and two guinea pigs were living in a small 300 square foot apartment. Yea, not that great of a time. Due to the bed bugs we couldn’t move into our “permanent” apartment because they had to finish renovating it. They didn’t want to finish because they wanted to get rid of the bugs first. (New carpet and bed bugs do not mix). So that weekend he spent a lot of time at our friends house because he felt safer. That was okay with me because some things had lapsed since not really being there then being there and being unable to do much do to surgery, and the mess the treatment company made, etc. So I tried to get things done, but I was worried about Adam.

On Christmas Eve some instances are blurred others are what others tell me, and some still have blanks. So bear with me please. That morning Adam woke me up yelling in one of this “fits” again. His new meds weren’t quite working. They do take time to kick in and he only JUST started taking them the week before. He finally found enough cash to go get cigarettes and he finally calmed down enough to lay down and rest.

A couple hours later he started freaking out again. He got another bug bite. And he had a SEVERE reaction to the bugs. He had HUGE welts from them. So he had gone into the bathroom to smoke out the window. He started saying many things. I don’t remember much of what he was saying. I was sitting five feet from the bathroom door (remember 300 sq foot apartment) and the door was open. I had JUST made some lunch. I was hungry. I remember him asking if there was more and I said yea, its in the pan and that I didn’t dish him up any because I wasn’t sure if he wanted any. (He hadn’t been eating much and I wasn’t going to force him. Why should I force someone to eat if they aren’t hungry?) He then started flipping out again and asking if he was sterile and unable to have children. (I’ll explain more later). Then said he was going to kill himself. I don’t remember him grabbing the gun. Normally it is NOT loaded. Now remember the size of the apartment, where I am sitting and where the door is located to the bathroom. He was sitting on the toilet and the next thing I know I heard a LOUD bang and saw his head whip back and the bullet enter his head. I ran from the room screaming. I had the phone in my hand. I didn’t know what else to do other than go get neighbors to help me figure out what to do. I was already on the phone with 911.  They had put me on hold. Yes, ON HOLD. Granted it was like 30 seconds, but that 30 seconds was the longest time of my life. I was sitting in the hallway and one of the neighbors, THANK GOODNESS, (I still need to send her and my other neighbors a thank you note) was home. She sat in the hallway with me while I was on the phone with 911. I don’t remember the call. I remember vaguely walking out to the porch to wait and the cops showing up first. Three cop cars I believe, there could have been more. I don’t remember. Then the fire truck (first responders), then the ambulance  The police went in first to secure the “scene”. One had come out to the first responders and said that he thinks he (Adam) is still breathing. I thought thank god that means they can save him right?? I was wrong. The ambulance people went in and the first responders came out saying that they were hooking him up to machines. 5 LONG minutes later I saw the fire chief come out and look at one of the police officers shake his head. I knew then. My heart dropped out of my chest. It couldn’t be. NO, it can’t be. Then the ambulance people started walking out the front door of the apartment building with all their things. If I was standing I know I would have fallen to the ground crying, begging for them to try some more. To save him. To breath life into his lovely face again. To hold him to be able to kiss him again. To tell him I love him ONE more time.

From this point forward I don’t remember much. I remember bits and pieces, the rest has been pieced together by friends who had showed up to help me.

I remember walking to the chaplain’s car (the one that works with the police department) I remember it took a lot to get me there because I refused to leave the porch. I guess I was shivering really bad from the cold, but refused to put socks or shoes on. I just wanted to cry, yell, scream, and beg. I wanted to go back in time. In my mind I pleaded with god to please let me redo the day. Let me insist earlier that he get help before it actually got this bad. Again, what if’s do not help.

I remember vaguely being moved to a friend’s car and my other friend showing up. (My saviors that day.) This is where things got fuzzy. I remember people talking and they were whispering out of ear shot. I just wanted to yell. I wanted to scream at them to talk to ME. I just wanted to scream at them at everyone. I was screaming, but on the inside, no one could hear me. I wanted to die. For all I know I was dying on the inside. I felt dead. I wished I was. This worried my friends to no end. They didn’t know I had one motivating factor keeping me from killing myself. My family, my mom, my little brother, my siblings, my grandma, everyone. I couldn’t do it to them. As much as I want to be with Adam again. I can’t do it to them. As much as my heart aches I can’t. I’d rather live with this unbearable pain then to make someone else go through what I am going through.

This is where I don’t remember, but someone filled in. I supposedly became unresponsive to the point I wasn’t even looking at anyone. I was told that it came to the point of barely breathing and that someone had to actually hold my head up. My friend was afraid I was in shock. (Wouldn’t you be too if you just saw what you saw and just lost the love of your life?) I think I heard her say later she was mad that the ambulance people didn’t check me out before they left the first time (yes they had to come back). At this point she told me that she had to tell them to get an ambulance. When the ambulance got there, I briefly remember having climbed on the stretcher and put in the ambulance. I remember shaking violently. I don’t know if it was the cold, shock or a combination. (I was still in my night gown). They then took vitals. By this time I started to come back to. At least somewhat. I remember the police having to do something with my hands to test for gun residue. I wanted to kick and scream at them. Asking them if they were nuts to think I would do something like that to him??? I started to pull into myself again. I briefly remember the ambulance person asking if I wanted to go to the hospital. I told him no, but my friends insisted. My heart rate was really high. Now many who know me, know, I HATE taking medication and refuse to take it if I don’t have to, this includes having to go to a hospital. Bad things happen at hospitals.

I sort of remember the ambulance ride. I remember thinking I could so easily kill myself in here. It wouldn’t be that hard. The medicine cabinet was right next to me. it was unlocked. I remember debating it, I even almost opened it. That’s when I thought, why?? I would hurt my family and I couldn’t do that to them. By the time I almost got the courage to just do it and get it over with, we were at the hospital. My opportunity was gone. I remember being wheeled in and they gave me a room. I was now at the hospital, all by myself. I wanted to yell and scream. I wanted to punch the wall. I wanted to die. I was already dead on the inside. I went to the nurse I had to use the restroom. By the time I came back to my room a couple “friends” (I use the term loosely) were there. The doctor came in to see me and he wanted to give me medication. He wanted to give me ativan. I refused. I said he (Adam) took ativan. I don’t want it. The nurse came in and said it isn’t ativan its lorazepam. UMMM HELLLOO, I AM A PHARMACY TECHNICIAN, I KNOW WHAT LORAZEPAM IS, ITS THE GENERIC TO ATIVAN!!!!!! I am NOT dumb. I refused it. I was there for a few hours and at this point I just wanted to leave. I wanted out of that place. My one “friend” had to check herself into the er due to something. Her fiance stayed with me. When the nurse came in, she checked my vitals again. My heart rate was still through the roof. She was worried, but being I was up and moving around and responding and seeming okay she started the discharge process. My friend’s fiance FINALLY spoke up when she gave me a prescription for ativan. He spoke out for me, having heard me say SEVERAL times that I didn’t want that medication. I didn’t want anything, but if they had to give me something, I didn’t want THAT. So they gave me a prescription for valium. It became my savior for a bit when I couldn’t seem to sleep or when the anxiety seemed to be at its worst. Again, everyone KNOWS how I HATE taking medication. If I can go without I will. I will “suffer” through the pain. I hate how medications make me feel. Don’t want that. So I had to go wait for my one friend to come get me (one that showed up at the apartment and insisted I go to the hospital) I was going to stay with her temporarily till we figured things out. She showed up and told me that it took so long to get there because of the fact that they had to FIGHT with the police to get the guinea pigs. The police were gonna ship them off to the humane society to be euthanized. My two friends (Allisa and Robin) are my saviors at this point. They both showed up at the apartment and they BOTH fought to get the guinea pigs. After about three hours they were able to get them. Robin got them all set up at her place. Thank you both!!! You are much appreciated.

The rest of the day isn’t that important being not much happened other than a lot of crying, a lot of refusing medication, finally just giving in. I was tired of closing my eyes and seeing it all over again. I am pretty sure I suffer from PTSD, but I tell someone that and I am told that I am crazy. So who knows.

That week became a blur. I remember cleaning out the apartment and again Allisa and Robin REFUSING me in to begin with. They didn’t know the state of the apartment yet. I did go in later that evening with the bathroom door closed. (It had not been cleaned up). I felt him there. So did everyone else.

There was a lot that happened that week when I moved back to Minnesota. I did find out that my heart is and always will be in Colorado Springs. I am moving back when things become right again. When I am emotionally and financially ready. It became home in the two years I lived there. I don’t know when. Maybe it was when the fire happened. Maybe it was when I found such great friends. Maybe it was when I started college who knows. But I WILL be moving back. It is not oh I might be, I AM.

Now to the part about Adam again. Adam had something called Schitzoaffective disorder and bipolar and depression. We were thinking there was more to it than that, but at the time we were just trying to get the symptoms under control before moving too much more forward. He was hearing voices and he was paranoid. That is all a part of the Schizoaffective disorder. When we moved into the apartment the bed bugs triggered it. It was a BAD trigger. He then ended up with a UTI, causing another trigger. And from after having October happen (the month from hell), he started slipping again. When we moved to the springs things were better. He still had issues, but not as bad as before, in fact he was getting better, but with all the stress added, it made the anxiety worse, which made all the other stuff trigger and happen. Now you add depression and anxiety together you get someone who is a possible suicidal case. Now you add new meds that have a POSSIBLE side effect of being suicidal and you have an explosive mix. We were doing everything we could to get things under control, but they came too late. I feel as if it is partially my fault, but what was I to know that he would fall backwards that far again? Things were going pretty well. For the both of us. We had a rough time in October, but we were pulling through things together. Many don’t understand how bad Adam was. He was pretty bad. In fact he was so bad he was afraid of hurting me due to the voices. He was afraid of doing things because of them. They were strong, and it turns out, a LOT stronger than him. He also suffered from chronic pain. I saw the scans of his back, so don’t say he is a pill addict. His back was MESSED UP. You add the pain to all his other things and that lead to him wanting to end the pain.

I am not mad at him. I know why he did it. Remember, I thought about doing it myself in the ambulance??? Remember I was thinking I can end this pain right here and now?? Why would I be mad at him? He was doing what he thought best for himself and me. Now it wasn’t the best thing, but he wasn’t in his right mind.

Before you question, make sure you understand FULLY what was going on. This will be my LAST description of what happened. I will NOT talk about it again, until I am ready. I want everyone to understand this. If you still have questions either you will have to eat them or you will have to wait till I am ready. I am DONE explaining. It is NOT helping. I lose sleep a lot because of the flash backs and because I am SOO used to sleeping next to him. We were together for 5 and a half years. Lived together for 5 of those years. Slept next to each other almost every night for those five years. I’m still experiencing issues from this experience. I may SEEM happy and ooh lala or what not, but I am not. I just learned to hide these things early on. I learned to hold it in till I got to my bed at night. So many may not EVER see them, unless you are those special few people in my life. And some i don’t show it for fear of burdening them of things on top of what they already have to deal with.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you are suicidal get help. There is a help line for you. Also there are other resources and people to talk to. Don’t be afraid to tell them. They are there for you!! If you know someone who is suicidal PLEASE don’t ignore it. Life is precious. I hate to see anyone else have to go through what I have had to go through. I want everyone to pay attention. Suicide is NOT a silent killer. Most people reach out before hand in some shape or form. In Adam’s case it was just a little too late. Don’t let it be too late for someone you love/care about.

And with this post I say goodbye to the year from hell and hello to a new year. I hope it is better than the last. It has to be right?


Do you have the blues?

So life in general for me the last month or so hasn’t gone as planned, and I apologize for not being on here as it has been quite, as you can say, hectic. First things first, the little boy I baby sit had brain surgery on October 17th, that was the first hiccup the last couple months, then we had to move, and boy was that an ordeal. Then we found out that our new apartment was infested with bed bugs, yes, bed bugs, and they did not warn us nor tell us what is going on, so we were bouncing from hotels for a few days. Then I had my thyroid surgery on Monday (will update either later this post or in another post, don’t want to make this too long for you to read.)

 

Well the little boy that I baby sat (I am no longer babysitting), went through the surgery fine. He had quite a few hiccups to begin with but is now home and has already gone back to school for at least one day. You can keep up on his progress here: http://www.facebook.com/teamjustinmarshall

Team Justin

Guinea Pigs Unite for Team Justin
My last picture I have of Kitten! 😦

 

He is a fighter and will always continue to be a fighter. Remember to drive safely and responsibly. You can either read on a previous blog post or check out his page as to why he had to have his 13th surgery. (Due to three teenagers racing). I do not want to hear of anymore accidents like this, so PLEASE, I BEG YOU DRIVE RESPONSIBLY!!!! I even got a tattoo as a reminder to stay safe: (It is my first ever tattoo, will do a new pic of my new tattoo when i have my camera) (Go and like this facebook page also: https://www.facebook.com/GoodDecisionsSaveLives?fref=ts)

My first Tattoo
Hope
Do NOT drive recklessly

 

The move, boy oh boy! We had issues finding an apartment to begin with due to all the credit issues and our previous slum lord, if you are in Colorado Springs avoid renting from someone called Stuart Sloat, as he is a slum lord and if he doesn’t like you will try to get you to leave any way he can. Yes we are going to be suing him when things calm down a bit. I sure did love that apartment though! BOO! So we did finally find an apartment that we could move into and the people are nice. It is in more of a college community, but oh well, we will eventually find a REALLY good place to settle into. So the apartment that we are “renting” isn’t quite finished yet so we had to move into this 300 sq foot studio. The only nice thing about the studio is that is has a fire place! LOL Well after being there for I think about 4 days we found out that there were bed bugs. Yes, disgusting bed bugs, and NO we didn’t have them previously. According to the rental agency they have had these issues for about 15 years and have had to treat about 4 times in the 15 years, i guess it isn’t that bad, but GRRR it is annoying. They are doing a heat treatment as that supposedly kills them better then say a fumigation. So that happened on Wednesday I believe. Yesterday, my boyfriend had a melt down and had to go to the hospital and still have not heard from him. I am getting kind of worried. Someone told me that on a hold they usually keep them in a “silent room” where they can’t talk to anyone, etc. So I am hoping that is what it is. The hospitals REFUSE To do anything or help me out with any of this. Any suggestions???

Anywho, I could have technically gone back to the apartment today but couldn’t due to the fact that I still can’t get things situated there because of the fact that I would have to change the bedding, and wash everything and when you are only 4-5 days post op, all that movement is probably NOT the best. So may go back tomorrow depending on how I am feeling and seeing if I can ask one of my neighbors if I can “borrow” their internet to do school work. It also depends on when Adam gets home and how well I can take care of myself and TWO guinea pigs on my own being this close to my surgery. Things are kinda hectic.

And speaking of guinea pigs, (like I said October SUCKED), Kitten Marie died on  October 25th, 2012. (Read separate post on her death)

RIP Kitten Marie
October 25th, 2012

We do not know why, but she lived a long life of 5 years. So that brings the death toll for us to 4 people/pets that died this year. First, Adam’s dog got put to sleep in August, then end of september/beginning of October Adam’s grandma dies, about a week to two weeks later my great grandma dies, then a week later Kitten dies. You catch my drift as to how bad this month(s) have been.

RIP Grandma Bell

Now, you may ask, but you said TWO guinea pigs. Well, the last time Jenny (pronounced Ginny) went without her sister she sank into a depression and got so sick we almost lost her. So, not meaning to get a piggy so soon to losing Kitten, fate had a different idea. We met a wonderful cute little Moose. (Again, read separate post on Kitten’s death to find out more).

Moose
Adam then nick named her Moose Honey! 😀

Now I have tried to make this less daunting with the pictures and I apologize that there is so much here. I will do a separate post for guinea pig info, and surgery stuff.

 

God Bless!! 😀 And hope your life hasn’t been handing you lemons the past few months like mine has.


Who wants more recipes?

SOOOO I am gonna try to get caught up on as many recipes as I possibly can tomorrow (8/23/12). It all depends on how the munchkins are doing. So we will see.

 

I would like to say life hasn’t been any less hectic, but that would be lying. It has been pretty bad. I started a new non-profit and have been working on a project for my friends wedding (that still wasn’t finished on time, but hopefully this week).

 

I will try my best to keep things up to date! It is gonna be difficult because I start fall classes again next week!

 

Blessed Be!

Hope everyone is doing well! Looking forward to hearing from people!

Tosha


WORK, WORK, WORK.

As you guessed it, yes, I got my work-study. I started yesterday. I LOVE my new job! So now I am going to school, taking 3 classes (about 10 credits) and working two jobs. My two jobs combined equal to about 46 hours or more a week! Think I am crazy? You bet. But guess what. I will be going to school FULL TIME in the fall with the same work schedule! I will be taking philosophy (my bird course hopefully. Plus, I LOVED philosophy in high school), Biology (which will be in class instead of online), and of course math! YAY for me! I cannot wait till math is DONE!!!! After this semester, as long as I pass with a C or greater, I will be COMPLETELY done with English! UMM, YESS! LOL. as you can see, I am excited, mostly because of the fact that I am actually FINALLY seeing results with school. I was frustrated at the end of last semester because I felt like I had gotten NOTHING done. With motivation though, I think I can make. I now have about 4 or 5 classes after this semester done for my associates! Isn’t that exciting?

Well, any who, my job. So, you all know I am a nanny three days a week. That is Monday through Wednesday. Usually my schedule is from 7 to about 5 (depends on when they get out of work). The last week of June though the boy with the TBI (refer to previous post about his injuries and story. Traumatic Brain Injury) has to go into the hospital for a week for more testing! Poor kid. They are testing to see if they have to take out more of his brain! Something a kid should not have to deal with. So pray that they find some other type of treatment to help him out! Well, any who, he is going into the hospital for a week, which means one of his parents have to go with. Guess who that is, his dad. Which means I have to keep their moms schedule! FUN! OH well, I get used to it. Also, being I don’t have to get the kids up for school at 7 am it shouldn’t be too bad. Although, the middle child has zoo camp. I have no idea when that starts during the day! 😦 SO that week, I will be up at 4 AM to get ready to head to their house and what not. So that is Monday-Wednesday. Then I work 8-5 Thursday and Friday as an administrative assistant. Sound fun? You bet! It is nice because my boss lets us work on homework. What a relief! So you can see my week schedule is BUSY! Plus add in court to deal with our DISGUSTING landlord (see later paragraph and previous posts), homework (for 3/4 time student), Adam’s home health care stuff, cleaning, organizing, crocheting baby booties and hats, car trouble (see later post. yes more car trouble), and it wouldn’t be life without some money trouble (which is making me think I need to take a third job. Well, technically, fourth job.)

Jobs:

1. Home Health Care Nurse
2. Nanny
3. Administrative Assistant
4. School

How does that life sound? Busy? You bet!

Any who, I had to tell the kids mom that I couldn’t be at work on Monday. I cringed. I hate having to leave her in a lurch, but this landlord BS needs to be solved. ASAP! So, I don’t remember where I left off, but if you read previous posts you knew we were having issues. First with him telling us that we are unable to call the cops. UMMM. If I am not mistaken that is AGAINST THE LAW! Then some other issues. Then on June 1st at about 2 pm he posted that our rent was late. I find something wrong with that. The first wasn’t even over yet! So being June 1st was on a Friday, and it states in our lease that our rent isn’t late till after the 6th of the month, Adam didn’t mail it out till Monday. The third reason was because we were waiting for him to come back and pick it up…well he DIDN’T! Adam called and left a message, he texted him. To no avail, NO RESPONSE! I mean, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Let alone WE had to find his address in order to mail it out. We mailed it certified mail. He still hasn’t picked it up yet! So anyway, last Tuesday, June 5th, he served Adam with papers to show up in court for non-payment! UMMM PICK IT UP DUMBA$$!  Adam filed a counter suit on this last Tuesday when he had to file paperwork with the court. We are gonna sue him for all he is worth! EVERY LAST penny we can get from him! Him harassing me was ENOUGH! I wasn’t going to put up with it! I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. Even though I am working a lot, we have no money to move. It is all going to bills, and car repairs.

Now, car repairs! UGH!! Story of my life huh? You bet. So a couple of weeks ago, Roberta (my van’s name. 😀 LOL), acted up and overheated. Well we refilled her, thinking she just needed more fluid. Well, a week later, she did it again. We filled her up again. This week was the worst. She would not hold fluid for a whole day. I had to keep filling her up every time we stopped and she cooled down enough for me to do it. Well, I couldn’t take her in on Monday or Tuesday because I needed her, the youngest kid had zoo camp and there was no other way to get her there! So, on Wednesday after I met their dad (we played at the park instead of wasting gas driving ALL the way up to their house again), I took her to the “doctor” (mechanic). I sure think that Roberta likes it there! MAN! So we get it there and he thinks it’s the water pump. So he pressurized it. Found out it was a seal. Good right? WRONG! The next day he called Adam and says it sprang another leak. It is under the engine, so in order to get to it, he has to take EVERYTHING out and find out where it’s leaking. Now, I know the price he quoted for labor is high for him, but if I went somewhere else, it would have been like $1000 to $2000 more! So we are hoping and praying it is the water pump and not the head gasket!! PLEASE LORD ALMIGHTY, be on my side this once!!! Another nice thing about our mechanic, no matter how much I gripe about him, he is letting us do payments. He will work out a payment plan. We are thinking about $50 every other week (each pay period of mine), so about $75 to $100 a month. reasonable right? I thought it might be. Some months we may pay a little more depending on money. By then I will have money coming in from my work-study. So we will see. Sad part is, I still am NOT bringing in as much as Adam. I am just behind him by about $100 to $200! How ridiculous is that? So when I get Roberta back, I may also look into doing some dog sitting or walking or something. I don’t know yet. Any who, pray that Roberta is okay and will get back to me in one piece without putting me bankrupt!

So that is my rant and rave for tonight! Man, is that all I do. Well, wait! I had SOME good news! LOL I LOVE my new job! I mean I LOVE It! It is easy and awesome. I wish that one of my co workers worked with me more often, but oh well. Gotta get some rest because I HAVE to go into the school in the morning to do some math tutoring. I am in DESPERATE need of help! Good night world. and I hope you are having some better luck than me this month! 😀

Blessed Be!

P.S. I know I keep saying this, but hopefully I get enough of a break with school work that I can finally add some more recipes. I got A BUNCH of magazines that have LOADS of recipes. I will see what I like and put them in my HUGE stack of recipes to enter! Hopefully soon! I PROMISE! 😀


Life can sometimes get you down!

So today wasn’t much of a day except for a few things of bad luck!!! First I went to a used bookstore trying to “SELL” a couple textbooks that Pikes Peak Community College aren’t buying back! (Which totally sucks, they cost anywhere from $140 to $200 brand new!) So, I went to the $4 book store near airport rd. They had told me that they “BUY” books, including textbooks from local colleges. Now when I say they “BUY” books, what do you think they do? Give you money for your books, right? Well, they don’t! They give you store credit which is just saying they take books on trade! So, is that considered bait and switch? I have no idea! I am definitely telling EVERYONE I know that they should not go to this hole in the wall book store that doesn’t know how to word things! They should say that they “TRADE” or that they give store credit!

Well, that was the only store I knew that would possibly take my textbooks. I did know of a few other used bookstores though. We only went to one of them. Well, they only take on trade too,  but they openly admitted it. Anywho, we were walking back to the car, and low and behold, my ankle gives out on me, AGAIN! So, last weekend I took a BAD fall and sprained my ankle REALLY bad. My ankle started feeling better so I didn’t put the brace on today. STUPID MOVE!! I am telling you. STUPID MOVE!! This time when I fell, it was on asphalt instead of on a couple cobblestones and grass. So now I have a HUGE scrap on my one knee. It is bigger than my hand!! At least I didn’t bleed a lot. My other leg has a small scrap that just looks like mild rug burn, and I also scrapped up the palm of one of my hands! I am DEFINITELY feeling the pain tonight! My ankle is worse than ever and I cannot move it without SEVERE pain!

That was the extent of my bad luck, thank goodness!!!

I started working on some math today because you know that classes start on Tuesday. I think I am gonna have issues with this math class! SERIOUSLY! Oh well, I have the motivation to finish that is for sure.

Tomorrow is gonna be a sort of busy day. I have to go to the library to print off some things for school so that I can work on a work study, and go to the third used bookstore that I know of. Hopefully they will give me cash for my books. If they don’t I have NO IDEA what I am gonna do. SO either I am gonna take the store credit or I am gonna try to sell them on craigslist. Any suggestions? (Yes, I know I am rambling! This is what I do when I cannot relax and am in severe pain.)

This weekend is Territory days. I am thinking about possibly going. I do not know yet! Being my ankle and my knee hurt to walk! What do you think? Should I suffer through the pain and just go?

Oh, and you are probably wondering how our gardening stuff is going. We have SEVERAL more sprouts done!! YAY!!! EXCITING! I don’t remember what they all are. Some of the markers that said what they were got messed up! 😦 We had also bought a orange bell pepper plant from Ace hardware. We decided to do that because it was only $1.25 per plant! AWESOME deal! Well, one of them is thriving REALLY well, while the other is kinda stunted in growth! 😦 There are some “bites” into the leaves. Our neighbor, who, I think, landscapes for a living, said it looks like caterpillers possibly. DANG BUGS!! I HATE BUGS!! You have no idea!

Well, what else is there to say? I don’t know. I will try to come back tomorrow with recipes and how things go during the day and how my pain is. (The pain from my pulled tooth isn’t too bad, just some miner jaw issues and possibly a dang fever!) GOD HELP ME!

Well,  I better go lay down and try to get some sleep!

Blessed Be!!!

Have fun this weekend, and be responsible about drinking and driving!! I don’t want to hear about any accidents because someone wasn’t smart enough to have a designated driver!


Life

So this week has been a LONG week. As you may know, or not. I am a nanny for a cop and her husband, who is air force. They have four kids, three living. They were in a car accident before the youngest was born. There were two “kids” racing down a road and hit them while they were stopped at stop light. It crushed their whole back seat and trunk in. Unfortunately one kid had passed away due to this accident and one kid now has a TBI (traumatic brain injury). The youngest that was in the accident (there were 3 kids and both parents in the car) suffered two broken legs! Their car seats were basically useless! The kid hit them going about 82 miles per hour!!! You may be asking, was this on a freeway, NO! Like I said the family was sitting at a stop light waiting for the light to turn green. This kid only did about a year and a half and suffered a broken leg while the family suffered through losing a kid and another kid in critical condition. Put yourself in their shoes! I cannot imagine what I would have done! They are a terrific family. about a year after the accident she became pregnant with the now youngest girl in their family!

Well anywho, the kids are awesome, and today is the oldest’s birthday. He is turning 11, the one with a TBI. The accident will be about 6 or 7 years ago on the 29th. Their mom is gonna take that day off. I do not blame her at all. So, being their dad is air force he doesn’t work on the 28th due to the holiday so I get to take off thursday through tuesday! This week he is on a TDY and won’t be back until this weekend. So I have been having REALLY long days. Days like 530 AM to about 5 PM. From Sunday through today! WOW!!! LONG week. But i got through it. And it is not even over.

Tomorrow, thursday, I get that one crappy tooth pulled. FINALLY!!! So that will be interesting. I may, hopefully, blog a lot this weekend. I know that I am getting a LOT of recipes added so far today. When I get home I may add some more from my stockpile of recipes that I have been meaning to add.

So, as you see, god landed me in this house for a reason. The kids are very similar to siblings. They are almost my family away from my family!

Wish me luck tomorrow! They are not gonna use gas, they are gonna use sedation! YAY!! maybe it will work better than when I had my wisdom teeth pulled, where I remember EVERY minute of it! Damn dentist was an A$$!

Oh, yea, and summer classes start next tuesday! YAY, go me with this crappy math!!! Which needed a $160 book!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? UGH!