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Internal Storm

The wind is blowing
Blowing my mind away
The thunder is my heart beating
Do you hear it?
Do you understand?
It is voicing my inner turmoil.
I can’t fight the pain any longer
It hurts
My mind is on fire,
My heart aches
The rain falls
Tear after tear
Its a wonder
How I am still standing
Standing in the rain
Wind hasn’t blown me away yet
Maybe there is still some strength left.
Is it enough to move forward?
Is it enough strength to weather this storm?
The wind is strong
But I just may manage
Let it blow these thoughts
Right out of my mind
Let the rain cleanse my soul
Give me a new peace
Something to look forward to.
We will see
We will hope
That the storm that seems to run through my body
Will go away.

“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations”

Life can be so confusing, interesting, and so much of a let down. You always wonder why you are put on this Earth. Why things happen to you and what it all means? We all can’t contemplate life though, can we? Should we leave this up to the philosophers, or should the mere people like you and I do this?

I know I haven’t written in a while, maybe its due to being busy, maybe its due to lack of inspiration. Who truly knows. I don’t know why I stopped, but know I do have to continue. It is my form of therapy, and I need to continue it in order to finish my healing. Even though I know I will NEVER be done healing. Not fully anyway. There is still a part of me deep down that is more than hurt. The part that I can’t seem to harden to the world. The part that has no walls to climb, and just the random person can put a dig right in there.

Why do I allow this? I’m not sure. Maybe it is just who I am.

“That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.” – The Fault in Our Stars

As you can see I am quoting from one of my most favorite movies at this point in time. It may be due to the way it is, or just how it rings sooo true to my life about loss. The Fault in Our Stars is an awesome movie. Sad, and happy all rolled into one. I highly suggest you watch it. No, this is not a “commercial” for this movie or others. I promise. I am just saying, if you have lost someone there are a few movies out there that tend to ring really close to home. If I Stay is another one. I HIGHLY suggest reading the books before watching. Especially if you are a book worm.

“The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow” – Unknown

I found this quote while figuring out what my newest tattoo was going to be. (Wow the big 12 for tattoos. HAHA)

When I finally have my own place I will be making this quote into wall art. Just as an everyday reminder of what I need. What I am going through and how to deal with it. Our today problems may not be known why, or what is going on, but we surely find out eventually what is truly going on.

Yes, I know, this post is a little out of the ordinary and out of order and doesn’t seem to form a coherent thought process, but trust me. That is just how my brain seems to be thinking today. It seems to be how my brain has been thinking a LOT lately. Nothing seems to to make sense, and yet it makes perfect sense.

“You gave me a forever within the numbered days.” – The Fault in Our Stars

June 30th, 2015 "You gave me a forever within the numbered days"  Done by Angela at The Canvas Tattoo in Prior Lake, MN

June 30th, 2015
“You gave me a forever within the numbered days”
Done by Angela at The Canvas Tattoo in Prior Lake, MN

(I apologize for the grainy bad photo, my camera phone is NOT the best in the world.)

That’s what I remember. Adam. Our good days. Our bad days. Our love. It will never die. He showed me so much, even if people didn’t think we were good for each other. Some thought I was going to get hurt in the end. Well that rang true, but I feel as if that hurt was well worth the love I felt in his arms.

So I have been sitting at Perkins for almost 3 hours now. Partially researching things, applying for jobs, working on a few things, talking to people, and of course typing this. It is now pouring outside. It is like the sky has opened up with tears and pain that I am feeling on the inside. I love watching the rain. Their is something so cleansing about it. If only we could use it as a metaphor for life. If only it were that easy to wash away our pain.

“You can’t the next chapter of your life, if you keep rereading the last one.” -Unknown

You can’t move on unless you let go of your past. I know this sounds SOO simple and SOO easy, but it sure isn’t. It is something that I am learning how to do. It is not easy, as I tend to over analyze my past, my life way more than I should. I can’t help it. It just seems to be the way my brain is programmed. NO idea why, maybe it is what I witnessed throughout my life and learned, maybe its a pre-existing condition, or maybe it is just something that happened over time from all the stressors I have become accustomed too. I do have to say that my mom is a big factor in how and why I survive the things I survive. Bravery has nothing to do with it. Strong willed/strong minded sure does. I used to be fairly week when it came to things such as my bi-polar, but events in the last two and a half years have taught me that I can move on. Even if I do have some baggage, I can do what I need to to be me.  I have left most baggage behind, but I have much left. Working on unpacking each on individually. That is the only way to do it, otherwise I will just get overwhelmed. Why add more stress to my life when I do not have to.

“Silence is the most powerful scream” -Unknown

I don’t know how else to say it. Many think that I am surely up to no good when I am silent. This isn’t always the case. It is occasionally, yes, I will admit that. Usually, though, it is due to deeply thinking, and internalizing my pain that I am feeling. It is as if I am so overwhelmed with what I am feeling that words fail me. And if you know me well, I am not usually speechless. I typically ALWAYS have something to say. Silence, at times, may be my way of coping with how I am feeling. I learned at a young age, not intentionally, to wait till you get to your own bed/room to cry. Walk away and deal with it. My mom does this. She didn’t intentionally teach me, but I saw that she did this, and I tended to follow suit. I don’t think it is the best way to deal with things, but it is how I learned to cope. I have some I can completely break down barriers with, while others, I just, can’t.

“Never Ever Give Up” -Unknown

I can honestly say, in the past I would lean towards suicide. I had suicidal tendencies. Not anymore. Adam’s death taught me something. Something that I will hold so close to my heart that I will never lose it. He was strong for so long, he couldn’t handle it anymore. His strength gave up. He couldn’t do it anymore. I am going to prove to myself that I have the strength to move past all these “problems” that life throws me. They may be difficult, but I will NEVER EVER GIVE UP. I can’t. I made a promise to Adam, myself, and my family after he died. I will move forward until my body will never let me move forward no longer. Even then, I am sure I will fight till my very last breath. If you are EVER thinking about giving up. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek help. NOTHING is worth ending your life.

“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.” -Bob Marley

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I chose NOT to end my sentence. What do you choose? Life is precious. Life is special. It is a gift, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I can’t help but wonder MANY times, what would have happened if I ended my life. I am glad, at times, that I didn’t. I know I can’t, I won’t. I don’t have it in me to end my life. NOT for anything. NOT for anyone. Live your life for yourself and only yourself. What would you want people to say at your funeral? That you lived a long fulfilling life, or a short one that didn’t get much accomplished? I would rather go out with a bash. I want to make something of myself. To show others that you can rise above all of this. All of the pain, and all of the heartache. I know I am not destined to hurt forever, I can’t. I won’t allow myself.

“I’m sad, but I smile. That is my life.” -Unknown

Many times you may see sadness in my eyes, but I won’t tell you. I will not allow many to know just how deep the hurt goes. I smile, to say, I will be okay. I have to be. The pain can’t get any worse. Smiling is a coping device I use. Try it. See if it helps. Sometimes an outward appearance, helps the inner feelings and struggles. Also, don’t be afraid to dream. Your subconscious tries to work these things out in your sleep. It may not be fun, and is sometimes painful, but in the end you just may have an AHA moment. Smiling is healing. Don’t ever forget to smile. It is good for you. Even if you don’t feel like smiling. ALWAYS smile. Life will change. Just wait and see. Sometimes life is a huge waiting game. Just gotta let it do what it needs to do for you. Things do happen for a reason. Just see what that reason may be.

“Do what you have to do for you.” -Johnny Depp

LIVE LIFE!!!!!!! Don’t stop. Enjoy, have fun, do what you need to to live your life happily.

Blessed Be All.

And I promise I will try to write more frequently. Hopefully whatever job I find now, will allow me to be able to write a lot more often. Heck, I may even be adding recipes again. We’ll see. Comment below what you would like to see in the future. Maybe I’ll appeal to what ya’ll want.

LIVE!!!!

😀

R.I.P. Robin Williams

We lost a beloved actor yesterday. His suicide has brought up some very painful memories. Some memories that stab deep down into my soul. My heartaches knowing what significant amount of pain he must have been in order to figure suicide was his final only option. Is he a coward for choosing this route? I think not. Was it the right choice. Probably not, but he did what he thought was best for himself. Suicide isn’t cowardly. Many times they are brave to do it. Knowing what it’ll do. Am I condoning it? No. I’m simply explaining.
People who use suicide as an out feel there is ABSOLUTELY NO other out to the pain they feel. Whether it be physically or emotionally. Sometimes we can’t always stop it. It is sometimes inevitable. All we can do is love them our hardest, and help them through the hurdles. Be there for them through it all.

Heaven claimed another angel.
May he smile down upon those
Who he made laugh
And smile
Knowing his pain
Is no longer a burden
To his big heart
Let his angel wings soar
To spread happiness
To more around the world
Give them peace
Knowing
This great man is now
Happy
And more alive now
Then he ever was before

“You love the idea of me”

I found the Freedom Writer’s Diary and when the teachers husband tells her he wants a divorce he tells her that she loved the idea of him. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this movie and didn’t fully understand the statement. That is, until now. Thinking back upon all the years. Things were a convienence when it came to certain things. No, I’m not saying Adam is included in this statement. Far from it. I’m just remembering other people in my life before. Some of them were just an idea of what I wanted, but now I know what I want and I’m going after it head on. Some things may still be fuzzy, but my life is my own and I’m going to live it my way and no one elses.
Many people have asked if I still miss Adam. I have to honestly say, yes, I do. I miss him deep down in my heart more than anything, but I can’t live my life in the past. I know I will always miss him and know that I will cry at times. I will cry for the man he was, and for the man he could have been. He will always have a place in my heart. It will be a soft spot, but I know I will be able to move on to what I am meant to do. I am meant to do something great because I am willing to do it, not because some unforseen force told me I am going to be great. I will move on in life because I know that’s what Adam wanted and it is what I needed.
I will not settle for just an idea. I am not going to settle at all. I will be me, and whomever doesn’t like that doesn’t need to be in my life. I am standing up for myself, making my voice heard. Life is going to be different from now on. I am rising to my full potential. No longer just settling, but reaching for the stars and succeeding.

Life Can Have the Most Unexpected Turns

I know it has been quite a while since I last posted, but it has been quite chaotic. My new job I started in February has gotten me quite exhausted, along with trying to get other things done also.

I have added to my piggy family. My new little guy is named Gus Gus. Yes, a little boy piggy. He is now three months old. Unfortunately he is having some health issues that I am trying to get under control. I am hoping he will be able to get past this soon. I will post a photo of him later on.

Pixie Mae and Moose are both getting very big. Moose is about 2 and a half pounds already and Pixie Mae is almost 2 pounds already. Pixie Mae is 8 months old and Moose is roughly 2 and a half years old. They are getting so big and growing up so fast.

Life is interesting. Looking for a place to live and trying to find a second job. This way I can afford to move out. Money is very tight. Especially now I have a health complicated piggy. Hoping to get him healed up fast.

I am working on some things for fundraising for Yarn for the Cause also. Things can’t seem to get any better.

I know I said I would disclose all information about things, but right now I am not going to do that about certain things until I am ready to disclose them. I will hopefully be posting more frequently and more often. Just thought everyone would like a little update on my fave lil ones.

 

Hope everyone is well and staying out of trouble.

 

 

 

The Dating Game

It has been a while since I last updated. Just sitting at my new job, back in Minnesota. Happy. Life is not easy to get through. Just this past weekend I had a rough spot for which a few friends and a special someone pulled me out of the funk. I can’t believe St. Patricks day can still make me feel this way.
I pulled through and am doing just fine.

And yes, you read right. I am back in Minnesota. Got back February 17. I couldn’t be happier. I left Colorado not knowing about a job situation and not knowing much else, but here I am. Thanks to a friend I found an awesome job. Still getting used to the long hours, but I can manage. Living with a friend temporarily till I can figure out where I am going at the end of April.
Now, to get back on track. Yes, I had a shiny moment. Oh well, you all like it. Admit it.
Dating. This is the one thing that many don’t think about after they have found “the one”. What happens when “the one” is no longer in your life? Either due to death, or other instance? In my case we will go with the death scenerio. Yes, I know. You don’t want to think about that. Then when you do start to date things just end badly? Well, here’s my opinion. The first real “dating” situation is there to get it out of the way. To get your feet wet so to speak. So this way all the emotinal baggage issue is now out of the way. Now you are free and clear to find someone right for you.
Have you ever watched the movie Ever After? If you haven’t you should. Its a love cinderella story, but for adults. In the movie the prince talks to Leonardo Da Vinci about true love. If you shall marry someone and they should die, and then you find someone else, was the first one your true love or the second? What would have happend if you met in a different order? I feel that both were your true love. Think of it this way. People come in and out of your life for a reason. They are there for you and you are there for them. If you are lucky enough to have two true loves in a lifetime you are one lucky duck. Don’t take it for granted.
Yes, this post has a meaning. And I will get to that.
Dating. Yes, I have started dating and things are looking up. Granted we’ve only just started seeing each other, but you never know. And at least I am getting treated right versus being stabbed in the back. Life will only take you so far, you have to go the extra mile yourself. See where your own feet take you.

Love, Life, Dying, Rebirth, Faith, and All Those Other Tough Words

Life is so strange. One thing always tends to lead to another. One persons lie continues until it snowballs out of control. I have faith that things will turn around. Especially after moving back to Minnesota. That’s right. I am moving back. Actually in the process of moving back. already 411 miles away from Colorado Springs. Interesting that I decided to pull over and do a post here at mile 411 when you would generally dial that number for information. How interesting. Did I do that on purpose? Na. Just feel the need to get some thoughts out before hitting the road again. I am not a person to do revenge. I may say that I am, but I am not. Sometimes my bark is WAY worse than my bite. Just usually depends on the situation. I am reinventing myself. Making myself new. Making myself whole again. Reinventing the way I am and how I see others. I chose those who are around me a little more carefully. I have big faith in  karma and what goes around comes around. That is why I don’t like “revenge” or getting revenge. Why should I? the universe takes care of it. Why should I keep worrying myself over someone else’s soap opera type life. The type of people who feed off drama. Am I interested in watching it. Who isn’t? I just rather not be a part of it. I am not a person who likes dealing with things such as the people who feed off the drama. 

Love, Life, Dying, and rebirth. Those are some pretty tough words to read, feel, see. The old me died. I was “reborn”. I am still reinventing myself after that death. It has been one hell of a year for reinvention. I can do it. I know I can. I am positive about it. I have come a very long way. I know where, or at least I hope, I am going and where I want to be. Do I miss certain things? Hell yea, who wouldn’t. Am I scared of the unknown? UMM DUH! But, I am not letting the scared get to me. I am letting things fall where they may. I am letting things develop as they go. HOPING and not over thinking anything. I will get somewhere. It may not be today or tomorrow, but eventually. I am the new me, I am gonna do better, and be the better person. Not let others goad me. Does this mean it will never happen. No. I am not perfect, no one is. Perfection is boring anyway. I am a person who prefers to not deal with those who will consistently bring me down. With this, I will chose who I hold dear to my heart very carefully. No one, and I mean NO ONE will bring me down anymore. This I swear. This is my new years resolution. Its taken time, but I have rebuilt myself stronger than ever. There may be a few cracks where I have made repairs, but with those who truly care about me, I can move forward and find something better for myself, and my future. 

More on a sad note. I will write more about this when I either stop again or when I get to Minnesota. My beloved Jenny Baby has now passed away. She passed away January 25th, 2014. I had her cremated and will post all my pictures later. I miss my sweatheart. I still have moose honey and pixie mae. They are my little loves. Again, I will do a whole post on how the girls are doing at a later date. 

Remember, life is only as hard as you make it. Don’t sweat the stuff you can’t change, and change the stuff that is able to change. Life can’t be all about drama and sadness. Love yourself, or you won’t be able to love others around you. I know easier said then done! 

I hope everyone has a peaceful night. I will be driving as much of the night as I possibly can. 😀