I do have to say that last week was one hellish week of nerves, emotions, and every thing in between. I still don’t know how I made it through. By the end of the week I was so numb that I didn’t even realize that there was another big day in the same week as his death-aversary, and his birthday. On June 30th, it was also our 6 year anniversary. How strange that ALL these things all collided within ONE entire week. It got to the point that I just wanted to do nothing but sleep by the end of the week. Monday(July 1st) that is practically almost all I did. Tuesday I was finally ALMOST back to my “happy, giddy” self.
You can’t live your life like that though. I have come to realize this. You cannot crawl under the covers and avoid life. I did that for almost 3 FULL months. It did me no good. Yes, I went out, yes, I talked to people, but I was in a dark place. I was in this big black hole that just never disappeared. It still sort of haunts me to this day. It is just a matter of when it will be lifted. Probably won’t ever fully disappear, but that is something that I am going to have to live with and learn to deal with. depression is not something to play with. Depression is not something to laugh at. It is a serious thing. Now this post is not meant to fully talk about that, but to talk about what I had been dealing with for the last two weeks.
Life has a way of dragging you down, it is just a matter of what you do to bring yourself back up. Adam always taught me that. I knew that it didn’t matter what drug us back down as long as we were together we were fine. We were there together, us against the world. Us fighting life together. No, that’s not it. Us, living life, and winning at it. That’s it. We were playing the game of life and winning every second of it as long as we were together. There was no fight in it. We loved and cared for each other. What his love taught me is that no matter what everything was going to be just fine. He loved me and I loved him.
Others saw it. The love that is, they didn’t see our struggles. Yes, we had many. When I go through struggles now, I don’t know how I can keep moving on, but I know that he will never want me to give up (NEGU). That is exactly my reminder on my tattoo. I KNOW in my heart of hearts that he would be really mad at me if I gave up and didn’t keep on moving forward. So, here is is. I am moving forward. It is going to be hard, and I know that things will get a little “hairy”, but with the strength I know he will want me to have, I am going to live each and every day as if it is my last. I am going to live my life, with my broken heart. Show others who I truly am and not let others get me down. If they don’t like what they see, they can just leave me be. I am who I am for me and no one else.
For my last part of my post, Happy fourth of July to everyone out there.
Today is going to be difficult because I don’t know if I can handle the sound of the fireworks, but we will see what I can do. Just hope and deal with it straight on like he would want me to. Now here’s to me heading out there to watch the fireworks by myself for the first time in 6 years! I miss you Adam more than you will ever know! You will always be in my heart!!!
365 things I miss about Adam.
- I miss your smile.
- I miss your bear hugs.
- I miss your kisses.
- I miss hearing you play your guitar, even at 5 am
- I miss your voice.
- I miss your stories.
- I miss your sense of humor.
- I miss your complaining.
- I miss your beautiful eyes.
- I miss your snuggles.
- I miss your love of our guinea pigs.
- I miss your heart of gold.
- I miss your ideas, no matter how insane they seemed to be.
- I miss our arguments, no matter how trivial.
- I miss the way you made me smile.
- I miss our playful moments.
- I miss arguing over what to watch that night.
- I miss how you encouraged me.
- I miss how you used to call me your midget.
- I miss our “road trips”
- I miss the way you tried to teach me how to play grand theft auto.
- I miss how you tried to teach me how to play the guitar.
- I miss every bit of you.
- I miss shopping with you.
- I miss how you always tried to teach me something new.
- I miss how you would fix my cars and computers and whatever else seemed to be falling apart that week.
- I miss our campouts.
- I miss talking to you.
- I miss your touch.
- I miss planning our future.
- I miss when you’d beg me to make coffee and you’d say I did good when I know it wasn’t what you truly wanted.
- I miss your surprises.
- I miss surprising you with “gifts”.
- I miss your messages when we were apart.
- I miss how supportive you were of me.
- I miss how we learned to move forward, even when we had nothing but us.
- I miss making you your favorite foods.
- I miss how enthusiastic you’d be when I tried a new recipe you loved.
- I miss your sweet tooth.
- I miss going on midnight runs to the store to get milk and ovaltine because you needed chocolate milk then and there.
- I miss how you used to care for me when I didn’t feel well and how you cared for me after I had surgery.
- I miss the days we used to have to just be lazy and be with each other.
- I miss falling asleep next to you.
- I miss dreaming about our future together.
- I miss you helping me getting into couponing.
- I miss you helping me with school.
- I miss how you used to calm me when I was frustrated with my math homework.
- I miss your back rubs.
- I miss moving to a new place with you and exploring the area together.
- I miss going on a new adventure with you.
- I miss just being with you.
- I miss how you let me vent.
- I miss how you gave me a hug after I vented and that you told me everything would be alright.
- I miss hearing you talk about your heritage.
- I miss how you would talk about wearing a kilt to our wedding.
- I miss talking about having kids with you.
- I miss how patient you would be with me even when I was a difficult surgery patient.
- I miss your caring nature.
- I miss your green thumb.
- I miss waking up beside you.
- I miss exploring together.
- I miss you driving me to work, even if you complained about it.
- I miss how you were with children.
- I miss you visiting me on my lunch break.
- I miss waiting for “hours” while you looked at guitars.
- I miss being the navigator, especially when you’d get lost and I would always figure out where we were.
- I miss our creative ways to watch our TV shows without having cable.
- I miss how you came to my rescue when I found spiders in the shower.
- I miss our chinese/pizza outings when we had cravings for them.
- I miss how you taught me how to eat crab legs.
- I miss how you went crazy about a place having crab legs.
- I miss eating sushi with you.
- I miss you snoring
- I miss the way you said you loved me.
- I miss the smell of your electronic cigarette.
- I miss the way you smelled when you got out of the shower.
- I miss how you used to love my long hair and yet complained that it was too long and got in the way.
- I miss how you always had suggestions to help with my frizzy hair.
- I miss you trying to teach me how to drive a stick shift, even if I can’t do it without panicking.
- I miss the way your eyes would light up when talking about something you were passionate about.
- I miss how you made me feel safe.
- I miss taking care of you when you were sick.
- I miss how you always made a cold seem like it was way worse than what it really was.
- I miss “napping” together
- I miss watching new movies together.
- I miss how I got you stuck on degrassi.
- I miss making you birthday and valentine’s day cards.
- I miss how much you despised waking up in the morning, and yet you still did it for me.
- I miss how your face lit up when you found a “treasure” at the thrift store.
- I miss tending our garden together.
- I miss how you kept me calm during the fire.
- I miss how I fit perfectly in your arms.
- I miss feeling like our future had all the possibilities in the world.
- I miss how everything was going to be alright as long as we were together.
- I miss how you knew exactly how to cheer me up when I was down.
- I miss you feeling my hair.
- I miss hearing you complain about my hair in your face.
- I miss how you always got excited to watch Glee.
- I miss falling asleep to random shows you would like to watch.
- I miss how passionate you would get about certain subjects.
- I miss how every time we turned around, you had broken yet ANOTHER phone.
- I miss camping out in Bessie, our beloved van.
- I miss getting a kiss from you every time you dropped me off at class or work.
- I miss how we talked, sometimes even all night long.
- I even miss our arguments, no matter how small or trivial.
- I miss your stubbornness.
- I miss how we both would crave Chinese at the same time.
- I miss how whenever we went to the one Chinese buffet in Farmington, how they knew you and would always make your coconut chicken, because you asked for it, EVERY time.
- I miss our “inside” jokes.
- I miss picking on you for things you fumbled on when speaking or telling a story. (It just made for more funny inside jokes.)
- I miss how you would hold conversations in your sleep.
- I miss how you would say the weirdest things when you were between sleeping and being awake.
- I miss hearing you complain that you had no shirts that fit.
- I miss how you knew the real me and loved me just the same.
- I miss the encouragement to go back to school.
- I miss seeing how you were with kids.
- I miss talking to you about Yarn for the Cause.
- I miss how you helped me with certain aspects of Yarn for the Cause.
- I miss how intelligent you were.
- I miss how sometimes you became mr. know-it-all.
- I miss how excited you got to help Team Justin to get his favorite singer to even just drop him a line.
- I miss having to find your keys, even when I was at work and you called telling me you can’t find them.
- I miss the contentment of our life together.
- I miss how excited you would get over presents.
- I miss how excited you would get about a new “toy”.
- I miss building our music collection together.
- I miss how we both just could not wait to give each other presents.
- I miss how you surprised me on valentine’s day by making me get you a soda and there were the flowers, chocolates and a stuffed gorilla sitting in the fridge.
- I miss how you surprised ME on YOUR birthday with flowers.
- I miss being so excited about my deals and wanting to tell you about it.
- I miss how you cared for my health and how you saved my life in 2009.
- I miss our “arguments” about me wanting to rescue all the animals at the shelter. You would always tell me no.
- I miss how you would tickle me even though I hated it.
- I miss the way you would always put your cold fee on me.
- I miss how you would complain that always used “midget” blankets and they weren’t big enough for us to share.
- I miss hearing you swear because something frustrated you so much. (i.e. Your laptop)
- I miss just feeling you beside me.
- I miss how you would startle me when you walked in a room without announcing yourself.
- I miss how you would “nurse” me back to health.
- I miss how you would do almost anything for chocolate milk.
- I miss how I would want to toss jeans that were broken or clothes that wouldn’t fit you anymore and you wouldn’t let me because you were either going to fix them or you were going to fit into them again “one day”.
- I miss going on road trips.
- I miss our middle of the nights to 7-11, King Soopers, or some other store because you wanted something sweet and we didn’t have anything.
- I miss how I ended up making spicy baked potato soup so often because you asked for it, that you got tired of it.
- I miss how you loved having waffles, bacon and/or sausage, and eggs for dinner.
- I miss how you hated when I doubted myself.
- I miss that you’d comfort me when I was sad or down.
- I miss how you would always say that you meant what you said, and yet, the next day you would say something you didn’t really mean.
- I miss how you weren’t a partier.
- I miss how I could always depend on you.
- I miss how sometimes you just wanted to shop than others you tended to be a penny pincher.
- I miss how you tended to be a wimp when you were sick and you would “make” me take care of you.
- I miss how we got through so much together.
- I miss how you would jump to my defense when someone would hurt me.
- I miss how you hated when I would talk bad about myself.
- I miss how you didn’t care for authority.
- I miss how you kept me in the loop during the elections.
- I miss being the worry wort and you’d calm me down.
- I miss waking up because your sleep apnea made you stop breathing and I would have to shake you out of it.
- I miss waking up and having to nudge you to roll over to quiet your snoring, even though it didn’t always work.
- I miss how you hated when I’d push myself to the point of being sick.
- I miss coming home to you asking about my day and listening to me vent.
- I Miss how you always knew when my back needed attention and massaged all the knots out.
- I miss how you “coached” me on finding the right shoes to help with my sore feet.
- I miss how much you loved the guinea pigs.
- I miss how you helped me tame the guinea pigs.
- I miss how you said that you didn’t care how much it cost to get Kitten cremated, she deserved the best.
- I miss being able to share everything with you.
- I miss watching shows and pointing out all the product placements together.
- I miss how you supported my photography.
- I miss how you always seemed to surprise me one way or another even after five and a half years.
- I miss seeing you play in the snow with Honey (R.I.P Honey!)
- I miss the friendship we shared.
- I miss hearing you say you love me.
- I miss how I felt lucky to have you.
- I Miss how our futures were in intertwined.
- I miss how when I look ahead I saw only you and me.
- I miss how you were my soul mate.
- I miss the sound of your heartbeat.
- I miss the feel of your heartbeat under my hand.
- I miss your goofy smile.
- I miss how you joked around.
- I miss how you used to talk about your grandma’s cooking.
- I miss how you talk about your family.
- I miss how you used to have WAY too many shoes. Even more than what I had.
- I miss the way you’d play the guitar. Even at 5 A.M.
- I miss how you always made me laugh.
- I miss the kindness in your heart.
- I miss how you’d complain that you missed my mom’s desserts.
- I loved how you always stuck up for me.
- I miss hearing you laugh.
- I miss the way you smelled.
- I miss the way you smelled.
- I miss hearing you say I love you.
- I miss how you would handle my bad attitudes. You got real good at it.
- I miss the way you looked at me. As if I was the only one in the entire world.
- I miss how my hand fit perfectly in yours.
- I miss how I fit perfectly in your arms.
- I miss the way you always made me feel special.
- I miss the way you touched me.
- I miss the way you always put your cold feet at night.
- I miss the way you told me you loved me.
- I miss how you always seemed to make everything better.
- I miss how I could be silly around you and that made you love me all that much more.
- I miss how you would put your hand over my heart. When I asked you what you were doing, you would simply say that you wanted to feel my heartbeat.
- I miss how you were so understanding when I would get so frustrated with things.
- I miss how you supported my book hoarding habit. LOL
- I miss how you and I could spend so much time in the used book store with no problem.
- I miss how you would always find so much software at the bookstore.
- I miss the way you smelled.
- I miss the way you were so particular about everything.
- I miss how you always understood me.
- I miss how easy you were to talk to
- I miss just plain talking to you. Even if you did hate when I turned into a blabbermouth and wouldn’t shut up.
- I miss how you always worried about me. You even thought about getting me a stun gun! LOL I don’t think that would have been a smart choice, but you never know.
- I miss how you always helped to inspire me to do something good.
- I miss how you encouraged me when I did my coupon stuff, no matter how much it annoyed you.
- I miss how you helped me with Yarn for the Cause. You even helped me come up with the name.
- I miss how you helped me with the Yarn for the Cause Mission statement.
- I miss how you helped me come up with fundraising ideas for yarn for the cause.
- I miss how you always took my breath away.
- I miss how gentle you were with everything.
- I miss how patient you were.
- I miss how open minded you were.
- I miss how passionate you were.
- I miss how caring you were.
- I just miss YOU!
- I miss your charm.
- I miss your sense of humor.
- I miss how you used to give me butterflies.
- I miss how I could always look at you and you would know that I needed a hug or just simply you.
- I miss how you would criticize my cooking.
- I miss how you would constantly worry about me.
- I miss how you always spoke your mind. NO matter how much it annoyed me.
- I miss how you would always study things because you were just so interested in it.
- I miss how you always complained about not having any shirts, even though I know you did.
- I miss how you were such an animal lover.
- I miss how you were the most gentle person in the world.
- I miss how you were like an almost exact opposite of me in many ways and yet we complimented each other well.
- I miss how you would always find new music and made me love it.
- I miss how you were so picky on the guinea pig names and insisted that they had middle names.
- I miss how when we would be shopping and you would be walking behind me and I’d stop just so you would bump into me.
- I miss our inside jokes.
- I miss our moments together.
- I miss our serious talks, our funny talks. Just talking with you in general.
- I miss how we were both obsessed about the Harry Potter movies.
- I miss our Chinese food nights.
- I miss our lazy days where we would sleep for hours on end or just snuggle next to each other watching movie after movie.
- I miss you complaining about how I always used midget blankets and couldn’t cuddle with me under them because they weren’t big enough for you.
- I miss the smile I would get every time you called or texted me.
- I miss watching the stupid shows. The ones that make you laugh because they were so stupid.
- I miss pointing out product placements that were in movies and in tv shows.
- I miss how you always complained you needed a hair cut even though you just got one two weeks ago.
- I miss how you used to always tell me that if I cut my hair short you would never forgive me.
- I miss how you would always find ways to help me with my hair when it decided to go out of control.
- I miss seeing your handsome smiling face.
- I miss seeing your gorgeous blue eyes.
- I miss waking up next to you.
- I miss waking up because your sleep apnea kicked in and i was jarred awake because I didn’t hear you breath. I have a hard time sleeping now because I don’t hear you breathing.
- I miss hearing your snoring.
- I miss pushing you over because your snoring got so loud.
- I miss how we would fight and then make up.
- I miss laughing at each others expense because something we did was so stupid or just that funny.
- I miss making you laugh.
- I miss our serious talks.
- I miss being able to surprise you with things. Even though that became hard to do because we would always know anyway. 😀
- I miss falling asleep in your arms.
- I miss your love of music, which now has fueled my love of music and needing to listen to it all the time.
- I miss how you used to need something going in order to sleep, just like me. Hard to find anyone else who is the same way.
- I miss how you cared about me.
- I miss how you loved me.
- I miss how you would kiss me on the forehead when you were comforting me.
- I miss how we would always use one quote from a show to stop an argument. AND IT WORKED! LOL (Not appropriate to repeat here.)
- I miss waking up in the middle of the night to find you watching me. It creeped me out, but loved it all the same.
- I miss how thoughtful of a person you were.
- I miss your honesty.
- I miss your loyalty.
- I miss how you always put up with my insecurities.
- I miss how you would listen to me.
- I miss how you would be a penny pincher one minute and the next you want to go on a shopping spree.
- I miss how I could always get you to leave the house if I promised we could go to the thrift store.
- I miss how you would always beg me to make certain foods over and over again because they were your favorite.
- I miss how you weren’t afraid to cry in front of me. It gave me the chance to comfort you.
- I miss how you’d scold me for doing something I shouldn’t be doing. Especially after the doctor told me not to do something.
- I miss your knowledge.
- I miss how you tried to teach me things.
- I miss how I used to tease you about having more tattoos than you and I had just started getting tattoos. By the way, I STILL have way more tattoos. HA! 😛
- I miss how you coached me on tattoos and you knew I was ready when I was for certain that’s the one I wanted. And you offered to pay for it.
- I miss how well you looked when you dressed up.
- I miss how giving you are.
- I miss your gentle soul.
- I miss your tradition for family names.
- I miss our talks about the future.
- I miss our talks about the kids we would have and what we would name them.
- I miss talking about our goals.
- I miss how you hated monopoly and yet you still played a round or two with me.
- I miss how you always seemed to make me brave and stand up for things.
- I miss how you LOVED cleaning bathrooms, as I HATED that.
- I miss how we would always argue over who would wash the dishes.
- I miss how you would say the funniest things when you were half asleep! “I have to defrag the mp3s in my belly!” We laughed at that one for years.
- I miss how you would get so excited when you got my youngest brother for Christmas because you knew exactly what you wanted to get him.
- I miss how when you got my sisters for Christmas you would always ask me to help as you never grew up with sisters and didn’t know what to do!
- I miss how you would always insist on us not going to bed angry and made sure to at least make me laugh. (No matter how difficult it was.)
- I miss how you would listen to me vent and interject the normal “she didn’t” when appropriate.
- I miss how supportive you were for me.
- I miss your wonderful kisses.
- I miss how we would always fight over the last little bit of ice cream.
- I miss how patient you were with me.
- I miss how you would always check on me before and after I had to drive somewhere. Especially knowing I hate traffic and I hate busy roads.
- I miss how picky you were about your clothes.
- I miss having to ALWAYS find things for you, even if I was miles away at work and somehow I still managed to find them.
- I miss how you always loved having a good deal on something.
- I miss your gardening techniques and teaching me things and how proud of me you were when I grew the marigolds and spinach for the guinea pigs. Even though the other plants didn’t thrive to well, partially due to heat and the deer eating all your poppy flowers.
- I miss how I had to find a different way to make a recipe because you were so darn picky.
- I miss having to complain at you about your driving.
- I miss how you would always yell at me saying your driving just fine.
- I miss how you would get so excited about a gift you wanted to give someone.
- I miss how it was hard for you to keep a secret.
- I miss always having to fight you for the covers because you would steal them.
- I miss how you were always picky about the things for your hair.
- I miss how you were picky about your razors.
- I miss how picky you were about any hygiene product you used.
- I miss how you were considerate of me.
- I miss how you were always worried when I had an allergy asthma attack.
- I miss how you would always have to remind me to tell the doctor something because you knew I would forget.
- I miss how we would always “TRY” to separate the “chores”. Even though it didn’t always work out to the best of our abilities.
- I miss arguing about whether or not you would where a kilt at our wedding.
- I miss how I finally gave in, but told you that it had to be one I chose. (We were still sort of arguing that one.)
- I miss how you made me feel as if I was the luckiest girl alive.
- I miss how you gave me hope that we could get through almost anything as long as we were together.
- I miss how you taught me to make sure to tip your bartenders well and they will treat you well.
- I miss how we would always give each other a kiss whether you were dropping me off at work or picking me up.
- I miss hearing you grumble about having to take me to work.
- I miss how you would always help me pick names for our cars. And then I would laugh because I would agree on girl names. (Yes, cars are girls, because they are temperamental.)
- I miss how we could stay up all night long talking.
- I miss how we would remember our first date and how it lasted for more than 24 hours.
- I miss how we could just talk and talk and talk and never run out of things to say.
- I miss how you would always have to watch any new movie that came out.
- I miss arguing with you when you would have to watch a movie and insist that you DIDN’T see it, even though you already had. To only realize the reason why you didn’t “see” it was because you fell asleep, meaning I would have to endure it over and over again until you finally watched it.
- I miss how you always told me about your families heritage and how a bloody stump ended up on the family crest.
- I miss how your beard would feel after it grew a couple days. It would be so soft.
- I miss feeling and playing with your hair after it was just cut.
- I miss playing with your hair when it had grown out a little. You had such soft hair.
- I miss how you taught me how to cook a turkey on our first thanksgiving away from family.
- I miss how you believed same sex marriage was okay.
- I miss how open minded you were.
- I miss how you would always proof read my papers for school.
- I miss how you would always help me work on my classes and help me pick my classes for the next semester.
- I miss your wittiness.
- I miss your cleverness.
- I miss how you always enjoyed a good joke.
- I miss how you tried to always torture me by putting on something from the comedy channel, even though I wasn’t in the mood for it.
- I miss how you would always remember something that I just couldn’t recall.
- I miss how I could so easily make you happy, by just making one of your favorite foods.
- I miss how we had a secret code for when we wanted each other.
- I miss how you always used to throw a fit when I would fall asleep in the living room instead of coming back to bed.
- I miss how even though after my gall bladder surgery, I couldn’t sleep in the bed, you still cared for me and made sure I was alright. Even when I was a big baby about my incisions.
- I miss how you knew exactly how to comfort me when stressed or feeling overwhelmed. Just bring me a guinea pig. Calmed me right down.
- I miss how you smelled.
- I miss how you feel against me.
- I miss how you were in it for the long haul.
- I miss how you would show me you loved me and cared for me.
- I miss how you would always get excited about one of my coupon trips.
- I miss how no matter where we were, we would always make it home.
- I miss YOU.
As many of you know, Adam’s birthday was yesterday. It was a difficult day. I did end up celebrating him. Afterwards I went out with a friend to try to cheer myself up. Having a best friend is awesome!!
I had to work yesterday from 9 to 6. It was an interesting day. As I had been up since 3 AM. I just could not sleep!
After work I had realized that I forgot to bring a change of clothes. I am not going to go honor Adam in clothes full of frosting!! So got something to eat and change. Then I headed out for some “alone” time at the beach. It was more crowded than I thought it would be. At work I had made a “birthday cupcake” for Adam. It kind of got a little smashed. It was a chocolate cupcake with white frosting and a red heart. The part that came off was that I had A & T on the heart.
I had a hard time lighting the candle because it was so windy out.
I sat at the beach to watch the sunset after a little bit. I saw some awesome clouds and the sunset was beautiful. I also got to see a mama duck and her baby and a duck family. It was quite something. I feel so at peace when I’m there. Even with it somewhat crowded and some kids were whining to go home.
I finally went back to my car to light the candle longer than 2 seconds and send up a thought and prayer.
I was going to “float” flowers on the lake and let them go, but there were too many people at the beach. Here are Adam’s birthday flowers.
This day was a hard day for me to deal with. It was something that that I never thought I would have to do. I always thought we would be together for all our birthdays. I thought that we would still have our futures. Our plans. Our relationship. Never take love or friendships for granted. Always make sure to appreciate every moment you have together. As I had said before, don’t take life for granted. One day it could just disappear without a trace, without even a good-bye. It can be ripped from your arms in one swift motion or the pull of a trigger and a bang.
Look to someone you love today and tell them just how much you love them. You don’t know if you will have tomorrow with them.
As many now know, I have ALWAYS been big on suicide prevention. How ironic that it actually happened in my own home, within five feet from me.
If you remember the first post about everything and how it all started, you remember what I said about what I was thinking in the ambulance.
The semi-colon project started when many who were “making a stand” and showing that they are survivors. They placed a semi-colon on their wrist. A semi-colon is where the author could have ended a sentence, but didn’t. You are the author of your own life, you have the choice on whether or not it ends. I know I wanted to save the big 300 post for this blog that I am now currently writing, but I got the tattoos sooner than expected. I know I won’t be able to top this post for the big 300 so don’t be disappointed.
Today I sent out on an adventure to Shakopee to a tattoo shop called Lucky Linda’s. They are some great people. My tattoo artist put me at ease with his humor. I like to say they were touched by what happened, but they have now been made a part of my story, they are now a part of my journey to the path of self discover, the path of discovering who I am without Adam. I would like to thank you all at Lucky Linda’s for everything today! I truly appreciate it. I don’t remember names very well. (This will happen to me from time to time.) They were great. My tattooer kept me laughing and smiling. It was much appreciated. I LOVE my tattoos and the price wasn’t overly priced either. Some places quoted me close to $200 to $250. Not these guys. They also know what they are doing because one tattoo artist from another shop said they couldn’t do the letters unless it was a couple inches tall. I KNOW BETTER. I have words already tattooed on me. I am glad I waited till now and got to a shop that knows what they are doing. It hurt a little bit, but not as much as the pain I have been in in the past. It was all worth every bit of it.
Thank you Lucky Linda’s for EVERYTHING you have done for me today.
I know you all were hoping for a much longer post, but I feel as if this is plenty for this post. It is not overly complicated (unlike many of my other writings) and stays simplified. So maybe I can find something “bigger” to write about for my big 300 post! 😀
Remember you are the author of your life, don’t let anyone else rule it.
Where are you?
Are you here with me?
Are you knowing what is going on…
in my heart…
in my head?
Do you know how much I miss you?
Do you know how much I loved you?
Moving on is so hard to do.
It still doesn’t seem real.
I feel as if you will walk in the door at any moment.
I am in a nightmare that just will never end.
I wish my head would stop playing games with me.
I wish the healing would start.
Some say it has.
But it feels as if I am being moved backward at times.
I just don’t know what to do.
I just don’t know what to think.
I look at your picture and it makes me sad.
To know that I will no longer have you in my life
it makes me sad to know that I will no longer be able to
I will always love you
no matter where you are.
no matter where I am
I wish there was some way to change the past.
to make things different
to make things right.
this whole thing just doesn’t seem right.
it doesn’t seem like this should be.
I miss you.
I love you.
I hope to one day be able to be in your arms again.
I hope you are at peace.
I hope you are no longer in pain.
That is all I ever wanted for you.
I’m going to be telling you more from the book Suicide: Survivors A Guide For Those Left Behind by Adina Wrobleski. She has a LOT of wisdom on this subject. Recovery guilt is when you feel guilty about being happy after the loss of a loved one or when you had “fun” and didn’t think about the loved one for a few minutes to a few hours. This is progress. It seems strange, but it is. Having fun, or “forgetting” is the way your brain gives you the break it needs to recover from this immense pain that just all of a sudden shows up. Several months into the “recovery” you will more than likely experience a setback. This happens and can be normal. When this happens you feel as if you are back at the beginning. This is the indication that you may need a small “break” to take a rest before climbing to the top of the mountain of grief and reach your future. Eventually the sharp pain will turn into a dull ache which will in turn end up being just a heavy sadness. You just may experience SEVERAL setbacks throughout the whole recovery. You never know as everyone is quite different. Grieving people will commonly experience major depression.
Some signs that you should go see your doctor to make sure that everything is okay and get help if it is needed.
- Intensity of your pain is not relieved
- you lose weight
- sleep poorly
- feel desperate and hopeless
“Since 4 out of 100 people get depression, and since it is already in your family, it is wise to watch for it in yourself and others in your family,” states Wrobleski.
Don’t be afraid to speak up if you need to. Never be afraid to seek help if you need to.
Things are difficult. That is life. NO one EVER said life would be easy. Grief is included in this. After the death of a loved one you tend to feel this hole where your past and future were at. Where they met. Where your hopes and dreams you had with that person just up and disappeared with the death of your loved one. Why does it do this? You tend to feel at a loss of what to do with your future.
Adam and I had always had the plan of having a couple kids, owning our own pharmacy, and having 40 acres outside of Colorado Springs. On this land we planned to put some houses on it and let friends and family live there for VERY limited pricing. Our “Mom and Pop” pharmacy was going to be run by us and I was going to be the managing pharmacist and the customer side and he was gonna handle the business side and the financial side. We had it all worked out. We even had been talking about getting “married”. Whether it be a commitment ceremony and reception. We didn’t care. We found no rush to do these things, but death cut all that short. Death made all that impossible. Correction. It made my life of what we were dreaming impossible. I can still eventually run my own pharmacy, I can eventually have my own land, and I can eventually be married. It all seems so daunting. We had these plans for a very long time. My future isn’t going to be the same, but I can still want the same things. I can still strive to do my best and try to achieve what I truly want in my life. Now to only trick my heart into thinking all this and all would be fine. To only fill this void in my heart where he used to be, and life can stop ceasing to exist, I can move forward. Again this is easier said than done.
There is such a thing as a new normal and an old normal. My old normal was Adam and I being together and loving being together. Even when we were having troubles in the relationship. We worked on it and moved forward. We struggled, but we loved each other enough to know that we were doing just fine. My new normal is something I have to get used to. He is here in my heart, but he is not here in the physical world. Walking me through things when I was having a bad day. Or giving me a hug when I needed it, but yet still didn’t want it. He knew what I needed before I even did. I took all of it for granted. Now, I am living with grief, sadness, and regret. I feel as if my world just plummeted into a black hole. It just disappeared. What I thought was meant to be, was just as simple as a chapter that was soon going to end, to just start a miserable chapter. I’m hoping that the hurt will fade, but I am told it will stay for awhile.
Grief is like being on the tea cup ride. It keeps spinning and spinning and spinning. Unlike the ride, the spinning doesn’t ever seem to stop. You are constantly dizzy. You are constantly dealing with trying to make sense of the blurry pictures passing you. Your feelings are all mixed up because you don’t know what to think of what is going on around you because it is a big jumble of colors. Others may not understand because they don’t realize that you are still in immense pain. Like the teacups, the others are just speeding by. All you want to do is yell and say, “STOP, I WANT OFF THIS RIDE!” The world is unfair though, and will not allow us to leave the ride.
The biggest part about grieving about a suicide are the questions that go through your mind on a daily basis. Why?
What was going through their head when they did it? What made them decide that NOW was the time? Were they thinking of us? Why didn’t they give us another chance? Why didn’t they reach out sooner? I don’t blame him for doing it. I know he is no longer in pain. Knowing that he is no longer suffering helps me through each day.
There is a stigma out there that if you listen to a person well enough and if they just talked things through, then their suicide would have been prevented. That is untrue. The reason why a suicide happens is because someone had a disorder/disease and their minds could not handle everything going on. They were “sick”. Not in the sense that they had cancer or anything like that, but they just weren’t able to handle things going on in their minds, such as hearing voices. Adam was hearing voices quite frequently before his death. It was a part of his mental disorder. The voices were telling him that people were out to get him and that people were doing things to him. Eventually these “demons” tend to overwhelm a person to the point that they are unable to handle it any longer.
Grief is a fickle thing. You try to make sense of something this tragic that has happened to you. You just do not know how to handle it and what to do. You don’t think you can move on and you don’t think that you can handle all this pain, but you do. You feel it is unfair that you have to go through this, or that ANYONE should have to go through it. That is quite true. You also tend to feel as if you will never get over this, but you will. Why? Because the way life is now a days, you have to. You have to move on and “get over it”. You can’t sit at a stand still for long you will end up in debt, end up quitting school, end up stopping your life from moving forward. It also isn’t helping yourself to keep yourself stuck in one spot. It is not HOW they died, but THAT THEY DIED.
Many times the first few months are the worst. Why? Because you tend to feel hopeless. You feel lost. You feel alone. For me I think this “step” has been postponed and prolonged because my shock from it all on top of the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I am a person who doesn’t allow myself to feel too much at one time. If I do I feel as if my life is just falling apart, like it is spinning out of control on the tea cup ride.
Life is unexpected. It is unpredictable. Live it to the fullest. Don’t take things for granted. In the end, if you follow these simple rules, you should be able to live life the way you want to live it and be happy. Don’t be afraid to feel, don’t be afraid to know that you are cared about, and don’t be afraid to show others that you love them and care about them deeply.