Life Throws You Curve Balls, You Learn to hit them out of the Park!

Posts tagged “Survivor of Suicide

The Day I Had to Say Good-bye

Many may wonder, what is she talking about. I am still writing about my journey, I am not going anywhere, but many will remember from my last post that I spread Adam’s ashes on Thursday, October 24th, 2013. It was an interesting day to say the least.

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Adam’s Final Resting Place

Many know that I was having a hard time fully figuring out where to lay Adam to rest. His ashes were spread right below where this photo was taken. This is only one part of what his view is on a daily basis. I hope he likes it. Garden of the Gods, for some reason, has had a special place in my heart. I am unsure exactly why, but it has.

I woke up at 5:30 am hoping to get a head start on the day and on the sunrise. Interesting right? On my day off, a day where I didn’t have to wake up at 3:30 am, I woke up early. For some reason, sunrise felt important. One last sunrise/sunset together is what I was thinking.

Another part of his view

Another part of his view

Like I said, you can’t help but love it there. Not much more happened that day other than my tattoo (which I will post later as we still have one more session to finish it. It is not even finished and I LOVE it). If you want to see more pictures, it will be coming soon. I have a slow internet access right now, not allowing me to finish uploading all my pics! I will see if I can add a few below though.

I miss you Adam more than you will ever know. I don’t know how I am going to move on, but I have to. I have to see what is out there for me and what else I can do with the courage and strength you gave me. I hope you are in a better place and I am just happy you are no longer suffering from the pain you were when you were alive. I just hope I can believe in myself as much as you did.

I love you! Miss you! And will NEVER EVER forget you!

I will not look back with regrets, I will move forward, I will soar on the wings of love that you had given me. I will never ever give up.

 

 

 

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Moving on, Not as Easy as You Think

You always have these good intentions of moving on, finding something better. It’s not that easy, or that simple. Yet, we always say it. We can continue to try to move forward, and move from the past. It always seems to find us though. No matter where we go. We always wonder why life is like this. Why must we have to deal with these hardships? Why must we always go over the bumps in the road. They aren’t pretty, easy, simple or nice.

I will be the first to say, no I won’t forget about the past. I will never forget what Adam had given me, what Adam had showed me, taught me, and helped me through. He was my rock, my strong place. He had my heart and soul. My home was where he always was. This makes it harder to “settle” somewhere, but I think I know where my “home” now is. I came to love this city in the two years we had been here. I can’t believe that on June 30th, 2014 it would have been our 7 year anniversary. Jenny is now 6 years old. I have had her for almost 6 years now. Kitten would have been six and Moose is just about 2 years I believe. It is amazing how time has gone by so fast over the last 9 and a half months. Next week Thursday will be the 10 month anniversary. BOY, will that day be busy, chaotic, strange, and sad.

I can’t believe it has almost been a year already. How can that be? It feels like just yesterday that it all happened. That is probably due to the fact that I have relived that moment almost every day since. I can’t seem to think straight. I guess that is to be expected.

His ashes were spread this last Saturday on October 12th. May his spirit now be at peace. I was unable to get to is “memorial”. As it was in California and I am in Colorado. Luckily a good friend of ours will send me some of Adam’s ashes and I am going to do my own little “memorial” here in Colorado. I will be able to celebrate his short lived life, and be able to say my goodbyes to this wonderful man that I only knew for about 6 years. I will be doing this on the 24th. That is right. The 10 month anniversary of his death I will be spreading the rest of his ashes, putting some in a necklace, and making a “Christmas” ornament so that he will always be with me. Also on the 24th, I will be getting the tattoo of the musical bird on my other shoulder. This one will represent me. It will be my piece that reminds me to “Never Look Back”. No, I am not saying that I am going to forget the past. Not at all. I am simply saying that it means to never look back with regret. To never forget what Adam had taught me and what strength he did instill in me. NEGU = NEVER EVER GIVE UP! I know he wouldn’t want me to. That day I may also be getting the bird tattoo that represents Adam touched up too. Don’t worry, I will write about that day afterwards, it may be a day or two though. I will also try to make sure I get LOTS of pictures. As it will be easier to show the day. I am also feeling more black and white in photos right now and I have a feeling that for that day I will be making photos black and white unless something really truly needs color.

I miss him more now than I did in the beginning. Probably because I was still in shock, but that only lasts so long, until the actual pain of grief may come through. I have my moments where I have no issues what so ever. Then they all of a sudden hit me. Life isn’t as easy as many say it is. I believe when they say take it easy and things will be just fine that they are hiding hardships that they are even going through. It is a matter of what you are going through. Don’t let anyone discredit what you are going through. Grief is real. Everyone does it in their own way in their own time. Just don’t be reckless about it. I find my peace by going out and taking pictures of things such as Garden of the Gods, or Pikes Peak. Or when I was in Minnesota I would take pictures of Crystal Lake Beach. I will always hold certain days special in my mind. Our anniversary, his birthday, the anniversary of his death, and the day that his ashes were spread. He finally got his “viking” funeral! HA! It may not have been exactly what he wanted, but I believe it was close enough to please him.

I want to share a song with those of you who are grieving along with me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNoLJy68ZcE

 

ENJOY!

Remember, grief isn’t something to be ashamed of. It is something dear to the person doing it! You lost someone you knew. Share your feelings with someone you truly trust and care about.


Fear

Fear. It is something you shouldn’t live with. Fear is something that should not sit on your shoulders and hold you back from living your everyday life. Eventually you will regret it. Fear going to the doctor, to only find you have limited time on this earth because you waited. Then all the things you wanted to do are gone. They are to not be gotten back. Don’t fear getting help, because you don’t know what they may do or what they may think. In the end you may leave others hurting more than you think. This fear can cause more pain than help. Leading your life with this fear is not something that a person should do. in the end you will regret it, or the ones you love will. And they will want more. More answers, more time, just more, without a way of getting it all because of fear.


Flowing Memories

Sitting here…
Memories flowing…
Both good and bad…
Trying to figure out…
Where things went downhill…
Wishing things could have been…
Been different…
Life got so complicated…
When did my life take this turn…
This turn down a road…
So complicated…
So full of pain…
And grief.
How do I deal? 
How can I move forward? 
Life is something else.
I’m sitting here…
As the memories…
Good and bad…
Are flowing…
With my tears…
Tears of sadness…
Tears of Sorrow…
Tears of pain…
Hoping this grief…
Won’t drag me down so low…
I can’t climb back up.


July 4th, 2013, Many Firsts Ahead

My fourth of July was a fun, sad, happy, strange day. How can one feel all of those in one day? Let alone all at once. It’s a tad overwhelming, and this is coming from the person who felt all this.
I decided to go out with my baby brother to watch Despicable Me 2. What a funny movie. We decided to hang out for a bit and we had quite a bit of fun. It was later that night when things took a turn to the sad. I decided that night I was going to go watch the fireworks, by myself. If you remember I am suffering from PTSD where the loud “bangs” are a trigger for me. So why on God’s Earth did I decide to do this?? I have to get over the fear eventually, right? I sure hope so. In a half hour, I went through two or three panic attacks, and quite a few flashbacks. All in all I was proud that I stayed till they were over. I even got quite a few pictures and a couple videos. I still don’t know how I did it, but I did. It is a milestone, a step forward. Am I past the fear of that noise, most definitely not, but I did it. I pulled through. It’s a sign that I just may be a tad tougher than I could have ever thought. I still don’t know how to move forward or how I am going to keep living other than living one day at a time and just keep doing what I’m doing. It’s all I can do right now. I was a victim. I am now a survivor. I am a survivor of suicide and I have PTSD, but that doesn’t define who I am. I define who I am and who I am going to be.

 


Panic Attacks and the Like

Today started out rough. On my way to work I had to pull over for some emergency vehicles. Who knew that just 6 and a half months later that the sounds of the sirens would still affect me?? It sure did. I had a lovely panic attack. Meaning I had to stay pulled over for a tad bit longer than planned. These things are a part of everyday life. It’s something we don’t really pay attention too and yet, it still exists.
That just reminds me of things that I took for granted when Adam was alive. I miss the joking, the loving gestures, I miss his smile, I just plain miss him. I know things aren’t going to be easy, but it’s something I have to learn to live with. How? I still haven’t the faintest idea. I’m just taking one step at a time. Putting one step in front of the other and moving along in a numb state until finally one day I realize what I have been through.


Anniversaries, Birthdays, and Holidays, Oh My!

I do have to say that last week was one hellish week of nerves, emotions, and every thing in between. I still don’t know how I made it through. By the end of the week I was so numb that I didn’t even realize that there was another big day in the same week as his death-aversary, and his birthday. On June 30th, it was also our 6 year anniversary. How strange that ALL these things all collided within ONE entire week. It got to the point that I just wanted to do nothing but sleep by the end of the week. Monday(July 1st) that is practically almost all I did. Tuesday I was finally ALMOST back to my “happy, giddy” self.

You can’t live your life like that though. I have come to realize this. You cannot crawl under the covers and avoid life. I did that for almost 3 FULL months. It did me no good. Yes, I went out, yes, I talked to people, but I was in a dark place. I was in this big black hole that just never disappeared. It still sort of haunts me to this day. It is just a matter of when it will be lifted. Probably won’t ever fully disappear, but that is something that I am going to have to live with and learn to deal with. depression is not something to play with. Depression is not something to laugh at. It is a serious thing. Now this post is not meant to fully talk about that, but to talk about what I had been dealing with for the last two weeks.

Life has a way of dragging you down, it is just a matter of what you do to bring yourself back up. Adam always taught me that. I knew that it didn’t matter what drug us back down as long as we were together we were fine. We were there together, us against the world. Us fighting life together. No, that’s not it. Us, living life, and winning at it. That’s it. We were playing the game of life and winning every second of it as long as we were together. There was no fight in it. We loved and cared for each other. What his love taught me is that no matter what everything was going to be just fine. He loved me and I loved him.

Others saw it. The love that is, they didn’t see our struggles. Yes, we had many. When I go through struggles now, I don’t know how I can keep moving on, but I know that he will never want me to give up (NEGU). That is exactly my reminder on my tattoo. I KNOW in my heart of hearts that he would be really mad at me if I gave up and didn’t keep on moving forward. So, here is is. I am moving forward. It is going to be hard, and I know that things will get a little “hairy”, but with the strength I know he will want me to have, I am going to live each and every day as if it is my last. I am going to live my life, with my broken heart. Show others who I truly am and not let others get me down. If they don’t like what they see, they can just leave me be. I am who I am for me and no one else.

For my last part of my post, Happy fourth of July to everyone out there.

Today is going to be difficult because I don’t know if I can handle the sound of the fireworks, but we will see what I can do. Just hope and deal with it straight on like he would want me to. Now here’s to me heading out there to watch the fireworks by myself for the first time in 6 years! I miss you Adam more than you will ever know! You will always be in my heart!!!